At my job, i do a lot of conversing on the phone. one thing i have been doing lately is saying, "let me grab my notes on this" put the guy on hold for 10 mins and then pull out a piece of paper that says "the guy on the phone is an asshole"

Serves no purpose, but still makes me happy.

oh and merry christmas if you want if not then don't.

Some pictures get me all teary eyed inside, if that is possible, which it isn't.

Of all the exacting sciences, dialing a number on the phone is one of the most exacting.

COME SMELL THE EXCITEMENT, or why humans like to smell poop.

You ever go to the zoo? Really? Why is that? Do you need to see a lion hanging out with a tire or a really big ball? Those habitats are not as natural as you may think. They look more like a hillbilly’s backyard.

The one thing zoo’s can give you that you can’t get most other places is the smell of animal droppings. In fact, the only interesting thing that happens is when an animal makes “business” in front of everyone.

I ordered some stuff from woot and there is a delay, no biggie, but i figured i would spread my annoance with them a bit.
So, here is my 2 emails to woot, in a post I would like to call…what the hell is wrong with me?

Replace the X’s with words.

Hi

I am contacting you about order XXXXXXXXXX. According to the FedEx website it had an estimated delivery date for the 12th and it didn't show up. So I called FedEx today tracking number (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX) and they said that the label was printed out but the package wasn't picked up. This speaker system for a zune was suppose to be a gift for my friend who being deployed to Iraq or Iran or irun or whatever. Is this going to get here in time? How is he going to listen to music in a fox hole without really loud speakers. Also since you already charged me, and haven't shipped it yet, is there anyway to make it up to me by giving me a gift of some kind? I normally don't ask for stuff like this, but I have had a bad year and my dirty ex-wife has taken so much from me that I feel like maybe you guys could throw me some kind of bone. As always, merry xmas.

Dictated but not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX

I got an automated response to this, by that didn’t stop me from be annoying, so I wrote this back…

Don't cancel my order, I know what it is like to be behind, I am currently behind in many many things in life. As I mentioned in my previous email, I am dieing. Not of any disease, but of old age. My only hope is that one day people will remember me as the guy who ordered speakers from woot and received them. As I don't appreciate being delayed, like a hooker in an airport, there is nothing I can do about it. Thank you for your support in this, my darkest hour.

Dictated by not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX

What the hell is wrong with ants? OK, the other day I saw a cracker on the driveway, it was covered with ants. The next day there is the cracker still on the driveway but no ants. What the hell is that? Did they just want to sit on a cracker? That is what they consider a fun night out? Well it beats doing drugs I guess.

What is thanksgiving? A question that people outside of USA have been asking about for thousands of years. Which is silly, because it isn’t that old, but not surprising, as people like to gossip.
Here is the full story as I remember it:

We came to a Plymouth rock dealership, and our first year was very tough, before we started to eat each other, and not in the good way, Indians helped us out. We were so happy that they helped us, we named like 20 sports teams after them and the band Europe wrote a song about them. The song did reasonably well but not as good as other hits on the Final Countdown album.

So every year we eat a turkey, pour 40 ounces of gravy on the curb for our half dressed homies, the Indians.

We also get together with our families and not our Indian amigos. Why? Because they chew with their mouths open.

I don't live in the past. i use too. but back then we called it the present. capire l'amico?

If the question is you think your hot shit don’t you, the apparent incorrect answer is yes, hot and smelly.

At work we were once given the option to re-name the group that we were in. Since I am now the only person in my group, I decided on Lighting Cougars. Tuff, fast and irritable. That is my group to a tee. I am thinking of taking my group to vegas for some moral boost.

If only job ads said the truth:

Do you like sleeping around? 2 hour work days? How about lying and steeling? No, I’m not talking about some kind of dream job in porno murder heaven, I’m talking about the exciting world of real-estate. Or as I like to call it “people who sell land and sleep around.” No education necessary, high heels a plus.

So Halloween last night I decide to watch the darkest scariest movie I could dig up that was appropriate for a 4 year old “The Great pumpkin Charlie brown”
A black story about the darkest hour of some small kid who likes hanging out with pumpkins with his friend’s sister. If they were “of age” this would make some sense.
He ends up wasting time and ruining everything for his friend’s sister. Something else happened with a dog, but I nodded off.

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Bad Fortune cookies

You will find love, and she will be already married

You will have a good luck with your prostrate surgery.

The mob you owe money to will only beat you until you can’t move, not kill you.

You will find a nice hat that looks great on you, but it will be filled with dog crap.

You won’t notice until you put it on.

Your child will be born sideways, and will take 6 days to come out.

You are in for a surprise meeting, with something that you are allergic to.

You will receive a thank you fruit basket contain 10 limes and a raisin (that started off as a grape)

Your significant other will let you know how insignificant you are, by giving you crabs.

My dog was a jerk.
I say “was” because she passed on. Even though there is a movie called “all dogs go to heaven,” my preacher from my old church assured me that there is no animals in heaven. Not even seeing eye dogs. Well at least heaven shouldn’t stink when it rains..

I got off the subject before I even started.

Dogs aren’t fickle eaters by nature. They are known to lick there own butts. So should I be insulted that my dog wouldn’t eat anything I ever cooked? Yes. Yes I should.

After living life for a while, I realize that the game of life isn’t very accurate.

Firstly there is no way you can have so many kids that they don’t even fit in your car and still have a chance of becoming a millionaire.

And if you don’t go to college you automatically get a job? Why are there so many hobos then?

The kid pegs are the same size as the parent pegs.
And you buy a house and never even go to it. I’d like to meet somebody who spends there life driving around in a car. Man they must stink.

Other then that it is a fun game that is dead on!


Just a final note on life, nothing easy is worth doing right, that is why I have failed where so many people have succeeded.

I saw some charity collection bin at my work today. Good for them. I once stole a pair of shoes right off a hobo in the middle or winter. Man they smelled so bad it could barely stand it, but I wore them all day. Why? Let me tell you something, there is nothing better then taking from people who really need it. Really puts things into prospective for that person.

(this has to be the cruelest post ever, if not let me end with this)

That hobo was pregnant.

When your describing a movie to your friends, and they ask you any questions on it just say…”Hey, this isn’t your grandma’s porno.” That should shut them up.

The way I see it:

2 major uses for big metal oil drums.

If you’re like me, and I know at least 1 person is, me. I’m exactly like me. where was i? If you’re like me, you miss mystery science theater 3000. well here is the good news, they are back in 2 different flavors. They do a thing called rifftrax, as seen on
www.rifftrax.com where you can buy their commentary to movies on mp3 or they also do a show called the film crew which seems to be exactly like MST3K without the puppets.

Hurray

Also I would like to shout out to my main man zune for announcing their new line of zunes this week, you can catch them at www.zune.net among other places

Classic HMB moment:

Ok, I'm thinking of a Pink Elton John with a butt on his head.


















Yep, that was it.

I want to be a “That’s bull” guy.
Just when someone tells me something and I get to say “that’s bull” instead I usually look at it from the other persons point of view and try to figure out what my friend did wrong. Here is an example:

My old friend, lets call him sMark Snotty, told me his friend was late to pick up him and his kids to meet some wrestlers that were in town. When the guy showed up he was real late and real high. His kids missed meeting the wrestler and my friend was pretty pissed off, understandably.

Ok, I should of said “that’s bull” want to know what I said? “your late for everything. So how can you get mad at him.”

Wow, was I way off.

Why can’t I be that guy that just goes with the flow? Am I that set in my ways where I am destine to be a grump, saying and doing things that will amuse me for the rest of my life? I have seen the error of my ways. If you see me and tell me something that is obviously your fault, or that I don’t care about, I’m going to try to say “that’s bull”

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well and went to the store, as I was walking in, I saw a lady that looked like my ex-wife. It may of not been her, because I haven’t seen her in years but it looked like her. She had a black eye and a fat lip, and for some reason, I knew it wasn’t her more then likely. That didn't stop me from being happy all day long.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'ed never expect it.
-jack handy

Here is a classic post from last year:


Big surpise, i hate gymkata. I just got off the phone with a local gymnastics center they don't know what Gymkata is so i hung up on them.




notice that he is kicking not one but two ninja. Ha, the total Ninja content of this movie is zero. Did he kick these guys off screen somewhere? i guess we'll never know. I would also like to add that he looks like a douchebag in this picture. i just noticed that the ninja was holding a machine gun. he must be new or something.
Here is from another website on this matter
Most of the movie occurs in the Middle East. So who represents all the Middle Easterns? Americans in turbans, of course!
Part of the obstacle course goes through the town of crazies. It's full of nasty-looking cannibals. I have to give the filmmakers credit, they found some of the ugliest women I have ever seen. But I have no idea why there's a 5-minute slow motion walking scene during this segment.
The best part about the town of crazies is that THERE'S A STONE POMMEL HORSE IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN!!!! What in the world?? How convenient. Of course Thomas does a routine on the horse, kicking bad guys in the process. This is absolutely the worst case of bad guys attacking a good guy one at a time that I've ever seen in a movie. EVER! There's no strategy to his routine. He doesn't even look at the bad guys! He just does his routine and every single moron runs into his kicks. Why? I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I could write separate articles on how bad the acting and dialogue are, but you might fall asleep. This is just the perfect example of a "so bad it's good" movie. I just wish they had hammed it up even more. For example, I can't believe Kurt wasn't forced to say something like, "Parmistan? What's your main export, cheese?" Sadly, that line is actually too intelligent for the script.

I emailed kurtthomas@gymkata.com this message
Hey, WTF were you thinking?
Sincerely XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX

And immediately got the response:
This is an automated response

Dear XXXXXXXX
Thank you for emailing me about Gymkata. You are no doubt angry about almost seeing my balls and for the many many plot holes in my movie, GYMKATA. Why would ninjas live in the Ukraine and need Machineguns? And if you ask me, a crazy town is one without a pummelhorse. Anywho, I should get back to my duties as a fry cook. Thanks again for almost seeing my junk
Kurt

If a bro falls in the woods will you make a sound?

Today like much any other day is my bro’s birthday. I am acknowledging this here instead of getting him a gift. I’m so proud of your ability to stay alive against all odds, what with natural selection and everything. Have a good one bro, if not there is always next year.
I’m just messing with him. How about this: May your tea contain the sweetest leaves. That sounds better.

Now here are my thoughts on camping:
do you think homeless people like camping as much as homeful people?
that is one thing you don't see, homeless campers, and they would look so similar to regular homeless people that you wouldn’t identify him without a magnifying glass.

My wife asked me the best question ever today.

"Is there something on my chest?"

YES BOOBS!!!!!

A coworker has a whiteboard at their desk and ofter writes some clever “team work” type phrase. So I started putting up my own signs that seem like teamwork, but if you break it down it is really more like the man pushing you down.

Hers says “Respect when we respect each other we will communicate with each other”

Mine says “Respect-if you see upper management trying to find a parking spot, give them yours.”

Or “Respect-even if you don’t know the coworker on a personal level don’t push him down or something.”

Here is how much of a geek I am.

In star wars, Ben Owen (the guy who raised Luke) worked on a farm. No disgrace with that, very noble. What kind of farm you may ask? Moisture farm. Hey, we all need moisture, it is the very essence of wetness. Ok, so Ben has a farm, and he harvests moisture. But Ben is struggling. He wouldn’t let Luke (free help) leave because he couldn’t afford to hire other people. Fine.

Here is the issue. Ben lives on a friggn desert. If he really wanted to make some decent money, why would he have a farm on a desert that grows the only thing the deserts are known for not growing? You ever go to a desert and say, boy I wish I could farm all the moisture in this air, I would be a millionaire. No, Ben was the only one who said that, and eventually he was killed, just another tale of a man with a dream, and no matter how stupid it was, he was going to do it. It only cost him his live and his wife’s.

Answer me this, "Am I horrible?"

Before you flood the post with a bunch of yeses, hear me out.

i got a package yesterday, it wasn't mine it was for a guy about 2 blocks away. The package "felt" like a shirt or something, my first thought was just to keep it. My wife saw it and immediately brought it to the guy.

Her first thought was to return it
Mine was "possible free shirt"

Does that make me horrible? Even if it was a shirt that didn't fit I would of just tossed it, never even considering that the guy was sitting home checking the mail everyday, dreaming of his new shirt. The problems he would have had trying to get the company who is more then likely on the brink of sadness, sending out shirts through regular mail with there stupid "our customers expect the mediocre that is us"
He wouldn't get that company to get a shirt or refund, so what does the guy do? His mind starts to wonder, he starts to hear voices "kill all the first borns" "eat the flesh of the living", "one shot one kill", "yo quiero taco bell"
so he grabs is best stabbing knife and starts to wander around the neighborhood, what does he see? some homeless guy wiping his ass with his t-shirt. That is when he snaps and next thing you know he is in jail, the homeless guy writes a book “my toilet paper got me in hospital” makes millions, “goes on lettermen”…latterly pees on David letterman.

So long story short, does this make me a bad person?

wow what a great vacation. i did nothing and i wish i was still doing it.

with 9/11 right around the corner i am reminded of something sad. its my brothers birthday of course. it is on 9/12

I have some time off of work coming up so i am not posting till after labor day, which brings me to my next post...

LABOR DAY, the day we should all not work.

what the hell? sounds like you would work your ass off this day and instead you end up eating a grilled hot dog. so i went to the government site http://www.dol.gov/opa/aboutdol/laborday.htm
to find out why i don't have to work on this day, lots of words and no pictures. i'm not reading all that. let me sum it up, even though i didn't read it. labor day is when the greek god of labor (George Washington) and the Asian god of war (uncle Sam) got drunk and signed a treaty with the Canadians. since then they legally changed the name of back bacon into h.a.m. (heart attack, mild). so everyone and a while, you don't have to work, but someone has to pay for it. Do they have this in Japan? nope on labor day just like every other day they work their asses off. Why? because they need to pay for all the funerals that Godzilla causes. That isn't cheep.

so have a good labor day

I think i will start typing and something funny will come to me. my shirt felt strange today, after complaining about it to some friends they said it was inside out. When i went to change i dropped it in the toliet. Some more good news, i'm stuck at work, i cant just leave. so, wet and embarassed i went back to my desk and think to myself that since this happened my day is pretty much peaked. It's all down hill from here.

For a salaried employee like myself, i notice my boss has never said, "we need you to leave early today."

its been raining for days now, so we should have some really stinky hobos.

There is a warehouse attached to one of the buildings I work in. I need to wear safety shoes in there to protect my toes. I lied of course so I didn’t have to wear these big yellow coverings on my feet that make a big clacking noise. Well eventually someone figured out that I my shoes didn’t have the steel toes so now I have to wear them. And that gave birth to this rant.
Out of everything attached to my body, the toes are most likely the first thing I would loose, so why even bother with those shoes. If I was crushed in a car accident and they gave my wife a small bag with some of my organs in it and 10 perfect toes, she wouldn’t say thank god, at least we can have an open casket. They should make me wear a cup, at least I would feel I’m protecting something that I may use in the near future.

BE A GO GETTER!

Kicking ass and taking names!!!

That is a bit dated. Lets redo it.

Instead of kicking, try licking. Kicking is so cruel. Licking, that sounds personal.

Taking names? What for you work for the government? To take sounds aggressive, lets passive that up. Giving names!

NAMES? Nah, lets go with something more organic, how about freedom love child. No that is just stupid. Nabisco? A bit commercial. Hmmm, how about diseases? That seems to have a nice ring to it, I wonder what it means.

OK so lets hear it! BE A GO GETTER!

Licking ass and Giving diseases!

Perfect.

What time do you think it is in France right now? Look at your watch dumbass that should tell you.

I read a article in nonexistent magazine that stated that earth has a lot in common with some of our other friendly planets in the sky. Well f them. If the other planets want a fight they got one. Were the only one with nude beaches, apple fritters, fat Elvis and cancer. What they got? Carbon based life forms? Nope. Crabs? Probably! Tacos? Nope. Rapist? Most then likely!

I think I will stay where I am at thank you.

what do these 3 guys have in common? pork chops baby!

The Answer:
I sprayed mace in his eyes because he made me feel uncomfortable.


The Question:
I told my coworker that I felt naked today because I forgot my blackberry at home. He told me that he feels naked when he isn’t wearing clothing. He laughed, then he screamed. The question is, why did he scream?

I like the internet. it is full of inspirational words. like these actual comments to someone who posted a recipe on line

YUCK!
gross
no way i would eat this or anyone in my family
that sounds gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That spunds so nasty. This will not be something that I will be trying to make. Yuck!
Not my thing.
disgusting!!
You all should just try it first before saying yuck or gross.
It doesn't look like anyone would eat that!! Gross!!
Wow.Woooow.ewwww.
YUCK!!!!!
sickooooo
SICK! ****BARFING****

so judgmental. this also reminds me of what my date was saying about me back at my first prom. memories make you think, don't they?

Hey, did you try calling me?

I love the expression “I tried calling you this weekend”

What the hell does that mean? Were you stuck under a pillar and couldn’t reach the phone? Did you dial 6 numbers and then hang up?

I think the correct term is “I was going to call you but…” and some sort of reason why you didn’t. I tried calling you this weekend kind of sounds like you are incapable of making a phone call. Anyway, Happy Monday.

Someone asked me, "I slept on my neck last night and now it hurts, what should i do."

Beats me. maybe start sleeping on a bed instead of your neck?

Who wants to be a spiderman season 2 on tonight. if your like me (2 arms and 2 legs) then you should enjoy things that involve fun. some programs i enjoy watching are TV, Movie, the dryer, and Radio. not to get off the point, who wants to be a superhero is on tonight, i know it's kind of corny, but that show just makes me laugh.

I submitted some poetry in a contest. In return i got love and a restraining order.

POISON, BLEEDING HEARTS IN MY BRAIN.
MY HEART ATTACK IS THE CLICHÉ’ OF A BROKEN HEART.
ERRECTIONS ARE MEANING FULLLESS OR ARE THEY?
I WOULD NOT HAVE AN ANSWER IN WHAT MY BRAIN CALLS A MIND IN MY HEAD.
WHAT TIME DOES THE HEART STOP ACHEING?
SOON I WOULD GUESS AND WOULD BE WRONG OR ARE I?
The stain in my mousse houses as I burn and yearn with fire and desire my opinions are like a bad rap with a bad wrap and my digression digresses in digress, I mean dig dress.
Where for art thou? Why should I care, cause I don’t, won’t and shoun’t (pronounced shoun’t)
If every pain in my body feels like hurting then when can the pain in my non body non hurt?
Yeah, you heard me, I said fuck you.

My friend asked me what I want to happen in the near future. I told him that I wanted to eat the world’s largest sandwich and die of a heart attack.

i found a way to get attention at a radio shack. Usually there is a long line and only 1 person helping everyone, and that one person is the only person not in a hurry. So here is what you do to get to the front of the line: Touch everything. i mean put your hand on glass, take stuff off the shelf look at it and set it on another shelf, shake packages and cough loudly. That is what this 4 year old did and his mom got severed right away.

Remember Rockwell? The guy who sung Somebody's Watching Me? Since his 1 hit in 1984, and people not watching him, do you think he still thinks that?

Real never before seen headlines:

Suicide pill linked to death
The Murderer did it
Lunar landing solves parking for spaceship on moon
Local basketball team wins or loses big game
What happened to apple carts?
Local man is happy
Mayor runs for Mayor
Mayor runs from Mayor
Mayor has the runs

They say that if you study history you won’t repeat the mistakes that people had in the past. If that was true, why do you think they keep making people? They are like the biggest fuck ups anyone has ever seen.

Wow, that was a bit dark. Let me end on a light note, you ever notice that you only change light bulbs when they burn out? Yeah? Me too.

Something I wrote and in () what I was thinking when I wrote it.
People love looking at other people with no clothes on. (Hmmm, where do I put the common in that to make it sound right? Never mind I’ll figure it out later.) So when will evolution take it to the next step? When will we start enjoying people without any skin on? (edit: Seems like a crossed a line a bit with that last post. What the heck is wrong with me?)

So I ask you people now? (well person really, if that many actually read this) throw away your skin! (yeah, skinless people, boy I’m on my way to yet another stupid post. They will spend all day holding their guts in. I have to end this on a good joke, because it’s going nowhere.)
Joey Buttafuoco! (Perfect!)

The Greatest thing since sliced bread...

That is a bit dated isn't it?

We sliced bread a long time ago lets move on.

Tips on selling blood

Don’t make the same mistake I made and show up with a bag of blood from multiple donors. They will not give you any money. And you don’t get the bag back. So if you do use a bag you are prepared to loose forever. The police will get envolved as well.
If half of the people who worked at the blood bank’s name start with the word "Count", do not let them near you. They, however, will take that bag I mentioned earlier no questions asked.
Also I think it is a good idea not to get an atm card from a blood bank. They didn’t offer it, but if they did I would say no.

Yesterday something happened that I really shouldn’t mention. In fact I should stop writing this, but I won’t. you in turn should just stop reading this.


Ok, so your going to keep going? Whatever, you have been warned.

I helped a coworker yesterday. He and I were both drinking pepsi. In the middle of me working with him he took a drink of my pepsi. No big deal, although he made a big deal about it.

OK, later I went up to him to kind of give him a hard time (we are kind of friends). And he was making a big deal about the pepsi thing. I told him that when I got done with my soda I was a little bit thirsty. Like 1 drink away from not being thirsty. I was, of course, kidding. So he said I can buy me a new one and then I said:

(Here is the part you shouldn’t read. I can’t believe I said it)

Don’t worry, I plan on throwing it all up, adding a little water to it and trying again.

I can’t believe myself sometimes, but that shut him up.

As a person who knows some computer jargon, I realized today that it would sound silly to outside ears. Here are some things I have over heard in my day, and my snappy answer to them if taken out of context.

Go on your computer – a euphemism for using the restroom
Does your mouse have a third button – nope just one, and his button is leaving the seat up after going on your computer
Spell check - C H E C K
My computer just crashed – must have been tired
Reboot – I just debooted, I’m not putting my boots back on.
Blue tooth – no I brush my teeth
Did you send me that email? No the computer sent you the email, I might of typed it
I’ll just blow the data out of my port – that is hot!
Press any key to continue – so many choices, I think I’ll pick the f, u, c, k, o, f, f, buttons
Are you on the net? – nope, just sitting in a chair.
Double click on an icon – my icon is Spiderman
Is Spiderman on the web? - Hello? He is Spiderman of course he is.
Do you know your password? - yes it is ******** or at least that is what it looks like when I type it.
Do you Yahoo? Google? Excite? – are you retarded?
Do you use Outlook? - no but I can predict your outlook, it's pain.
Drop a file into the trash – yet another euphemism for using the restroom

You can see I’m running out of ideas, so I’m just going to end this.

Has anyone ever seen an old cartoon with tom and jerry, I think. It is where they are farmers and there is this crow that keeps eating their corn. They try to stop him, fail and then the crow sits somewhere, eats corn and mocks them. That crow has my dream job. Sitting up high, eating corn and mocking animals. Do I need a degree for that?

I am a visual person. I need to see things or I may run into them.

The title of this little ditty is “WHORE SOLVED!!!!”

I run reports where I work on Mondays. I created and ran a new one today and emailed it to the respected user. I get an email back saying that I should take a look at the report, it is a bit insulting. I looked, sure enough under the first name (a female) it said Whoresolved. The name was pulled from a database. It may or may not have been known when they named it that but it sure is funny. I explained it to her and she had a good laugh, thank goodness.


The field name means Who Resolved.

When a company hires a manager that tires to make things more efficient and talks constantly about efficiency and how efficient he is, but then turns out he lives an hour and 15 mins away from work, would you start to question him? Spending 12 and a half hours driving back and forth a week makes them loose credibility on efficiency, wouldn't you think? The people at my job do.

as most people know i own a zune. i have to tell you it rocks. i really like it. i have had mp3 players for a long time but nothing like this. Zunes are a bit pricey, if it wasn't for my tax returns I wouldn't own one. but i found this cool zune theme for windows xp i thought i would share with you, the only person who reads this...

http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkID=75078

I think its pretty cool looking

Today I had an intersting conversation. A friend of mine from work and I went out for some air. Smokers get “smoke breaks” and we get air. Seems like a good deal, anyway he said he went to a retreat to talk to kids in his friends church about pre-marital sex. If it was me, this is what I would have told them:
They would be crazy not too. It feels pretty good. In fact I would make them pair off right now and just go ahead with it. No point sitting around listening to me talk about it, it think it would be best to just go and enjoy themselves. I don’t like lying to teenagers.

My friend did laugh at this, but I am pretty sure if I was there and said that, they would not ask me back

Here is my second fan interview for my 1 year anniversary.

Firstly thank you for visiting HMB. Can you tell us about yourself (mainly credit card info or your own website(s) and interests)?

I am the DRofGOREOLOGY. I watch Horror films, Collect Horror Films, and attend Horror Conventions in the Chicago area. Like Flashback Weekend coming up in July....BIG Nightmare on Elm Street Reunion going on there.

What would you say is your favorite post over the year?

I like all of them. It makes me wonder what kind of metal device you have to wear on your head to pick up all them strange "thought waves".

Wow that was a good one. What would you say the HMB pushes the limit too far or not far enough?

Not far enough...I'm sure you could reach that unreachable plateau of strangeness if you try hard enough.

Some critics say I’m not tuff on crime, what other things are tuff?

Blood stains, grease stains, and mildew buildup. But that's why OxyClean was made....at least for the blood and grease stains. I haven't tried it on Mildew yet.

Were you there for the fall of the Great Wall (that is the Chinese restaurant in town where a lady fell down)?

If I was we wouldn't be having this interview as I would have been squashed by the big chunks of concrete.

I once saw a movie where a guy said he ate lighting and went to the bathroom thunder. How many calories is that?

Good question. I would have to say ask Richard Simmons.

That you for your time doc, keep on reading and I’ll keep annoying.

On the subject of magic:

I looked up magic tricks on the web (the worst possible place to look for anything besides trouble) Here are some instructions for a trick:
Borrow a quarter from someone, bite a piece off and hold it on your tongue.... then blow it back onto the quarter and the quarter is whole again. You can hand it out for examination.

Borrow a quarter? yes, magicians are usually broke.
bite a piece off and hold it on your tongue? eating disorders?
then blow it? what the hell?

that is what Harry Potter has to look forward to if he ever graduates from creepy school. a prostitute hobo that has an eating disorder.

(I really looked for a picture of a hairy guy holding some pottery. That would have been a funny ending to this one. So I ask you to look at someone that is abnormally hairy today and think of this post)

I call this post, "Vague somethings", but it could be called "I know what you did last summer and you may go blind if you do it next summer"
Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I wasn't doing what I am doing now. I suppose I would be doing something else. But what if I didn't? What if instead of doing something else or doing what I am doing now I would be doing something different then the last 2 things I listed. So let’s take a look at the list:

What I’m doing now
Something else
Something besides these 2 things

There may be other things that I haven't listed. I just couldn't think of anything.

Secondly, what is the difference between hungry and starving? I’ll bet starving people will eat hungry people in a pinch, but maybe not the other way around.

My blog started out with a single dream; build a self rising cake that was both low in fat but also high in poison. After the Canadian Counsel for Eating (the CCforE) banned my simple recipe of arsenic and cup cakes, I revamped it into a blog about the annoyances of life. With the anniversary of humansminusbrains.blogspot.com coming up, I thought I would do some quick interviews with some of the original audience.

Firstly thank you for visiting HMB. Can you tell us about yourself (mainly credit card info or your own website(s) and interests)?

Same as your info... and who the hell is the "us" guy?


What would you say is your favorite post over the year?

All the ones you plagarized from me.

Wow that was a good one. What would you say the HMB pushes the limit too far or not far enough?

Not far enough, your examples should be like Southpark and Drawn Together. Push the envelope, society needs it

Some critics say I’m not tuff on crime, what other things are tuff?

Ummm, your the most judgmental person I know... how tough do you need to get lol.

Were you there for the fall of the Great Wall (that is the Chinese restaurant in town where a lady fell down)?

Yes, she blamed the seafood.

I once saw a movie where a guy said he ate lighting and went to the bathroom thunder. How many calories is that?

5

That you for your time, keep on reading and I’ll keep annoying.

I remember vividly one of my sexual fantasies when I was growing up was to get a partner.

I don't particularly care for poems. In fact, i don't care for them. In my non caring for them (Poems) i have enveloped a care for not them.

So i wrote a poem, its about a small farmer that gets lost in a wilderness. on his travels he finds and befriends a gorilla. and that gorilla grants him 3 wishes which he squanders. i have to explain this because there is a lot of Symbolism in the poem and without this prefix you won't get it. just like all poems. Here is the poem:

Word
Yo
Wack
Government

So the first line represents the struggles the farmer has with his 2 sons before he gets lost, the second line represents his “street smarts” that eventually costs him his life. Eh, the 3rd could represent lots of things, from him not being right, to just masturbating. And finally the last line represents that gorilla stuff.

I’d like to call this post “the Fanta Menace” but I think I’ll call it drink minus hoochie equals good drink.

Any remember those fanta commercials from a year or so back? Insanity inappropriate, no sale for you! Ok flash forward a couple of years, I’m in a Mexican restaurant and I wasn’t in the mood for soda, so I asked for a fanta. Well it’s pretty damn good. Moral to the story? Yeah whores need to sell things, but that doesn’t mean that just because you buy their drink means that you are supporting hot pants and tube tops. it also means you are buying a drink and that drink is 90 percent sugar and 10 percent orange. Taste and diabetes is a super great combination.

I asked the high school intern to water my plants for the 2 weeks I would be gone. This is not in his job description; I asked it as a personal favor to me. I’m not sure what his job description is, but I’m sure it has something to do with surfing the internet and mumbling. (I can’t understand a word he says and he is always looking up something on the internet.)

I get back from my training and my plants seemed wilted and thirsty. I asked him why he didn’t water them. He told me it was because they looked wilted to begin with, so why water them. I asked him what did his grandpa look like? Was he wilted? Maybe we should stop giving him water?

Would you get flowers for a plant funeral? Or would that make it worse?

If you ever get your ass handed to you on a silver platter, when returning the platter wash it off.

The sun and the moon. Quite often the 2 have been in comparison, like yin and yang. This should be and more then likely is insulting to the sun.

The Sun's diameter is 864,938 miles about 1,300,000 Earths could fit inside the Sun. It produces heat and gives this planet life. We bask in its glory.

The moon is a dried up rock. It also can raise the water level a bit. the moon is so lame people had to make up stuff about it, like that it is cheese, or that there was a man in the moon, and he was eating cheese. there is no man up there, and if there were he would starve to death, because guess what? no cheese either.


Produces life to raising water? What kind of comparison is that?

Its like the sun has some kind of middle child syndrome where it is constantly being compared to its retarded cousin.

Hey ma, I give life to this solar system.

That’s nice dear, no congratulate moony for getting creamed by another meteor.

Too many times I have been burnt by a deal that seemed to be to good to be true, but here is one that can’t miss. If you eat an apple every hour on the hour you are guaranteed to eat 24 apples a day, plus you may be a bit ornery because of having to get up every hour to eat an apple.

This week I was interviewed by a reported for The New York post. Here is an exert from that.

Reporter: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, where is the restroom, I’m only kidding. Hi my name is XXXXXXX (note that my name is not XXXXXXX this is my way of blubing it out.)
Reporter: Can I help you?
Me: I am here from humansminusbrains.blogspot.com.
Reporter: Oh yes, come in mr. XXXXXX. Please have a seat. Now you claim to have a vast following and your blog gets over a million hits a week, but your counter on your page is only a couple of thousand. How do you explain that?
Me: I don’t count that counter. I am pretty sure that it is inaccurate, else it rolls over a lot.
Reporter: How many people do you have on staff?
Me: well there is me of course, I am thinking of a co-writer, but that may just be me with a pen name. The people at UPS said that they are working for me, at least to get my packages out on time. Which I don’t have any packages and don’t plan on sending any out.
Reporter: I see, and what about the claims that your blog is stupid?
Me: I have heard that. And I have helped both spread and deny that claim.
Reporter: fair enough. Anything you want to say to your adoring fans?
Me: I would first like to thank both of them for…oh oh
Reporter: I KNEW IT. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!
Me: I believe I was promised free ice cream and I’m not leaving without it.
Reporter: I didn’t say anything like that.
Me: I didn’t say it was you. It was me, I said it. And I always keep a promise to myself.

Well of course the police were involved with my removal and now I have another place I’m no longer welcome.

Oldsmobile


What the heck kind of name for a car company is that? I think I am going to start a radical new car company called Youngsmobile. Why radical? Because everything I do is nonsensical. Anyway, everything about my line of cars have the Young feature auto loaded. Like only baby car seats throughout. Can’t get much younger then that. Or how about Styx playing when you blow the horn? (Yes, a Dennis DeYoung joke). No breaks, so you can live and die young. And finally, all baby calf interior, not the seats, real baby calves roaming around in the back. Young = impractical, and with a price of 10 zillion dollars my car will reek of it.

I don't have anything against anyone. well almost anyone. people do bug me a lot. so everyone but people.

So how has everyone been. I had been thinking about advertising lately. yes, how do i annoy more people? how much would it cost to rent a plane and do some skywriting?

anyway:

Did you know that the website http://www.bjoutdoors.com/ more then likely disappoints hundreds of web surfers a day.

my niece said something pretty funny today. My dad was telling me that my sister was writing an essay for school. i asked what was the essay going to be on. she said, "paper, essays are done on paper."

I’m going on vacation for a week so I’m not sure if I’ll post anything. Or will I? yeah, with a cliffhanger like that why wouldn’t you check back?

Summer is coming, and if you’re a beach go’er, that means only 1 thing: A sea of back hair.

What is with movies about animals playing sports? It’s always a monkey or a donkey, but never a turkey. A good one would be a water ballet team that dress up a shark like a women, the shark goes crazy, the star’s father falls in love with it, and you’re halfway to a good story. This thing writes itself.
How about 2 guys in a horse costume in a horse race movie? Or 2 horses in a human body running a marathon?

I was going through my millions of emails that i get on a daily basis.
One reads:
Dear subscriber, thank you for your interest in candy dog doo magazine. At this time we do not give out free samples of candy dog doo, and if we did, why would you want to eat it?
Thank you for your interest.
John Holmes

You can use John Holmes in replaces of any name and it's good for a laugh. Here is a mad lib I just did.
One day Mary and John Holmes went to the John Holmes. When she got there she said oh my John Holmes! Your John Holmes is almost as big as John Holmes.

Note that the last John Holmes was actually part of the mad lib.

Ok, so here is my question, who the hell is John Holmes?

Moving on.

A Note on "Gesundheit"Most people think "Gesundheit" is synonymous with "God Bless You". The confusion over the real meaning of the word Gesundheit, which means simply "health," probably dates back to the time of the Bubonic Plague, where sneezing was a symptom of the disease. Sneezing was supposedly the person's soul making a break for it! It was believed that sickness arose due to the lack of a soul. And so "soullessness" and ill-health became synonymous during the middle ages.

One of my bigger influences has past away recently, Kurt Vonnegut. He once said "I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,"
I couldn’t agree more.

My wife told me I’m not social
I said yes I was starting right now, I’m gonna talk to every asshole I see and pretend that I’m interested in the crap that spews out of their retard holes. F that!
My wife then asked, So your done being social then?
Yes, at least I gave it a try.

Is there life on mars?
That is quite a stupid question. If there was who cares? The best thing Martians could do for themselves is avoid earth. All earth has to offer for them is some dumb sitcoms and fattening food. And I’m sure if there was a way to communicate with Martians, we would probability end up eating them, or buying there land from them and then renting it back to them. Or asking them stupid questions like about crop circles.
Hillbilly: you do dem crop circles?
Martian: no, that wasn’t us
Hillbilly: who was it?
Martian: how should I know?
Hillbilly: you gonna probe me now?
Martian: Ugg, I think I am going to pass. I am not even in the mood right now.

wisconsin quarter has a picture of my exwife (Pictured, left) doing what she does best (when she isn't nagging someone to death) and that is eating! Gratz! you did it! it says forward, which is the direction you should run if you ever got caught up into a favor for her.

I've been sick lately, not in the head, well maybe, but i also had a cold. I did make it into work today, so I thought it was only fair to midland that would post something. fair to midland. that is my friends answer to "how are you"

so today I asked, how are you? he responded fair to midland, then said we were past hump day and onto the weekend, before he could finish, I interrupted and said, "in a couple of days it starts all over” that knocked the wind out of his sails.

If someone you barely know knows your name, that means he talks about you with his friends. my wife told me that

More zune news

One of my co workers (will rename nameless, I do know his name. I get a lot of emails, in the billions, stating that I’m stuck-up and don’t know my coworkers names. And the ones that I do know I just make fun of, or play tricks on, or wait outside work with a ski mask and a crow bar, and then hit them, hurting there chances to get into the Olympics after they qualify. I don’t do that. But I may be stuck up. Now that I think about F you very much for your emails. And further more what the hell is up with these new crazy trends? Wow that was a bit vague. Ok back to what I was talking about) has gotten a zune. He annoys me. He is just a kid (still in high school actually) He told me that he wanted a job where he wanted a briefcase and that travels. They only job he could think of was air traffic controller. This job doesn’t require a briefcase nor any traveling. I would also like to note that he wants a job that requires a briefcase so he can put coffee in it.
Anyway after telling him that I knew nothing about being an air traffic controller, and keep in my mind my job has nothing to do with it at all, he asked me a follow up question: “what time does an air traffic controller have to get up?” GAAAAAAHHHHH He drives me spare.

Maybe this is why I am so annoyed most of the time?

I got a nice complement from a first time reader the other: "Hey your blog isn’t as bad as I thought it was and it barely made me chuck."
Kind of made me blush, I’m not use to complements.

Why the game Monopoly is bull and I hate you.

Ok I hate monopoly. No big deal you think, this guy hates everything. Sometimes I even hate air.
Everyone is like, “hey what’s up with him?”
“Oh didn’t you know? He breathed and it set him off.”

But I digress. Here is my problem with monopoly:
At the most, I played it with 4 people, you can do more, but I never did. The first part of the game is great, you run around buying stuff. But eventually you can’t buy anything anymore. So you build houses and hotels, if you can. So now you have people running around owning houses and hotels, but staying at other people’s houses or hotels.

Let me tell you something, if you own a house or a hotel, you’re not going to spend the night in another one right down the road, especially when its 1500 dollars a night and your hurting for money. Your gonna spend the night in your house or hotel for free.

And what kind of city only has 4 people in it? No wonder it cost 2000 for a night. To stay

I saw a soda named MOUNTAIN FURY, looked like some kind of a knock off of mountain dew. both these soda names kind of make me chuckle, because in the end, the only extreme you get from drinking soda is in your ass. They only mountain people will see is you.

I took some time off because my grandmother passed away. she was a great person and an inspiration to me. I'm not ready to be silly again. maybe a few more days.

I was thinking back on house party with kid and play. Do you think kid ever had kids? Or that play ever wrote that play? I would like to think they are both in heaven right now, rocking god’s house while he is out of town, but then again, they may not be dead. Do you think they have trouble renting houses? I'm not renting to you, you'll just have a party, Mr. Kid OH man I just thought of another question, is kids first name Billy? Is plays last name withhimself? I kid and I play with the two of them, but would never tell them, for fear of them throwing a party at my house when I’m not home.

I watched the wickerman this weekend, not as good as the song from Maiden

My zune review,

this is my first full portable media player outside of a mambo nano I had for about a week, then returned.. I have had mp3 players for several years but not a full media player until now. I looked around for quite some time before I committed. Here are my thoughts on it.

Why not an ipod? Well I got to tell you, it was never in the running. I didn’t like the screen size and audio quality. The 2 things I was looking for in a media player.
I looked at a the zen M and it was really more of the same, lots of supported formats in it and an improved audio quality but still didn’t care for the screen size. The zen W would have been a good choice, but it was 50 bucks more then the others.

Overall, I’m pretty happy with it. 3 inch screen and overall great sound quality.
Musically I have been listening to music a lot more since I got it and the sound quality is superb. I did have to get different ear buds, my ears must be shaped differently, not bad, probably better then regular ears, since then no complaints,
Video wise, I got a software from cucusoft that lets me convert dvd’s to zune and I have a cable hooked up to my pc so I can transfer tv directly to zune (again using cucusoft to format it). So I got plenty of media. Without the cucusoft (which I am kuku for) I would be dead in the water.
Great quality for dvds and above average quality for tv shows that were converted.
The other features like fm tuner not that big of a deal to me, the wireless aspect isn’t really appealing to me either. I only have 1 person I know with a zune and I hate the music he listens to, so not interested in sharing music with him.

I have it 10 thumbs up out of 10 if I had 10 thumbs (my shop teacher said I did)

My wife's parents celebrated their 25 wedding adversary. I got to give it to them, that is a long time. My parents stop celebrating it a while ago. Can't think of the exact date but it sticks out in my mind. man this is gonna bug me. hmmm
oh i remember, it was that same year that they got divorced.

Free coffie today. i am on my 6th cup. i usually only drink about a cup a day. i am at the stage where i can here people change their minds before they actually do.

word origin

club sandwich first came from a man who ate a baseball bat with bread.

Ok, here is a real one, since this blog is weird, we'll do the word weird

Dave Wilton, Saturday, February 17, 2007
Weird is an example of a word whose most common modern meaning is quite different from its original English meaning. The word, originally a noun, dates back to Old English, where it meant fate or destiny. By the Middle English period, it was being used to refer the three Fates of Greek and Roman myth, and in Scotland this sense evolved into that of a witch. This Scottish use was Shakespeare’s inspiration for the three weird sisters in Macbeth. The modern adjective, however, does not appear until the 19th century, undoubtedly modeled on Shakespeare’s use.
Weird is found in Beowulf (spelled wyrd) as a noun meaning fate or destiny:
Gæð a wyrd swa hio scel.(Fate goes ever as fate must.)
and
Hie wyrd forsweop on Grendles gryre.(Fate sweeps them away into Grendel’s clutches.
Also, quite early on it was used to mean someone who controlled another’s fate, either a personification of fate, like the three Moirae and Parcae (Fates) in Greek and Roman myth, or a magical being such as a witch. Hessels’ Corpus Glossary of Old English glosses wyrde as Parcae from sometime before the year 725. And Chaucer has this from his c.1385 The Legend of Good Women:
The werdys that we clepyn destene Hath shapyn hire that she mot nedis be Pyetous sad.(The weirds that we call destiny have determined that she must necessarily be piously solemn.)
The use of weird as a synonym for witch was quite common in Scotland. From Peter Heylin’s Microcosmus of 1625:
These two...were mette by three Fairies, or Witches (Weirds the Scots call them).
The use of weird as an adjective dates to around 1400 and is found in the manuscript (Scottish) Trojan War:
Vþeris said sche was, I trow, A werde-sister, I wait neuir how.
The phrase weird sister is found in several manuscripts leading up to its most famous appearance in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Until its appearance in the Scottish Play, the adjectival use was restricted to the phrase weird sister. Only after Shakespeare used the term, did its use expand to other contexts.
The modern adjectival sense, meaning strange or uncanny, dates only to the early nineteenth century. Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary only records it as an adjective, “no longer in use,” meaning skilled in witchcraft. Shelley uses the word several times. From his 1817 The Revolt of Islam, used in the sense of something supernatural:
Some said, I was a fiend from my weird cave, Who had stolen human shape.
And from is 1815 Alastor, used in the sense of something odd or strange:
Mutable As shapes in the weird clouds.
(Sources: Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd Edition; Beowulf, tr. Seamus Heaney)

Math problems

The difference between adults and children concerning snow
child:
snow means no school, snowmen and sledding

adult
snow means car accidents, shoveling and snowballs to the groin from kids.

I hit a new low yesterday.

Well, let me refresh that. I went to the new Lowes yesterday. Wonderful store full of lots of things. The people who worked there were so full of life that I have dubbed them Lowe lives.

I was once told that I was making a person look bad. This wasn’t true, he made himself look bad and I just brought light of it to everyone.
He is one of those guys who milk every assignment and take forever. Does anyone have a guy at work where if you have to wait on him to do something you know its going to be 10 times longer then it should take? That is him in a nut shell. Full of excuses, full of blames, full of hot air. If he wants something to make him look bad, how about a mirror.
I hates him.

OK, if you read the last post, then you might of asked yourself about http://www.catchthings.com/ like I did.

I went there and sure enough, it was a picture of my ex-wife and the diseases you would catch if you slept with her.

Here is a stretch for a website:

http://www.throwthings.com/

its about things you can throw.

you can buy this mug



and then have someone throw it at you, for going to that website and buying that mug.

as a side note maybe it should say somewhere on the mug; "do not throw or it will break"

sometimes i park in handicap spaces
while handicap people make handicap faces

I got a zune yesterday.

This weekend I bought the movie league of extraordinary gentlemen. I wonder how many nano seconds the porno industry took before it made a movie called league of extraordinary genitals?

Well, I would have to say that today I don’t have anything interesting to say. Total blank. Is this the beginning of the end? Most experts that I asked, asked me to leave their office. And I did, with almost no police escorts. This gets me thinking, what if I can’t think of anything funny ever? Would that be so bad? Nah, I would be less annoying. More people would stop asking, what is wrong with him and instead ask, why is that guy so normal. Yeah, I’m ok with this.

I sometimes think that if Roger Moore and Brian Cox had a detective agency what would they call it? Roger and Brian’s detective agency. What did you think they would call it? Oh, hey. I just got it.

Wow, not a single person in my family called to wish my son happy birthday. Funny enough some of them this is like the 3rd time in 4 years that they did it.

If a tree fell on a mime in the woods, and nobody was around to be amused by it, would it still be funny?

Happy Birthday to my Son. He is 3 things today; Great, 4 years old, and not feeling well.

Taken from http://www.churchhopping.com/

Ten Verses Never Preached On

10. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Comments: George Costanza envokes the wrath of God.

9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Comments: Possibly the first streaker in history.


8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Comments: We can’t just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

Comments: Not only do you have to carry the body out, but you have to mop the floor too.



6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

Comments: How do you present a gift like that? Do you tie a bow on the box?

5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB

Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

Comments: I imagine the son was screaming in pain and Moses just kinda stared at it in disgust.

4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?



3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

Comments: Apparently the sword pierced all the way through and something unexpected came out the other side. The author felt this was a necessary detail to include.

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

OLD RELIABLE

my bro, you better believe if he says he is coming over or calling it aint gonna happen. you can take that to the bank.

Frequently asked questions about mail order brides:
If you are not going to next day air your mail order bride, she might starve to death in the box. Also do you use packing peanuts or bubble wrap? i would think the peanuts but i have no idea.
If you pick one out of a catalog and it is out of stock, what would happen? Wait for restock? That could take 18 years.
I went to the ups website and did a search for “mail order brides” I found this tidbit:
do you think the people in china have a special ups department that packages up just brides?
If it is damaged in box do not remove from package or bring package to the hospital or police. Wait for ups reprehensive to assess the damage (a rep will be there between 1 to 2 weeks)

The guy who likes apples was near my desk getting an apple out of the fridge today. I took this time to ask him, “if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, whom would eating a pig scrotum a day keep away?

He just looked at me blankly

“EVERYONE. Now enjoy your apple.”

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

There is a guy at my work who eats an apple a day. He told me it was to keep the doctor away. I hope he doesn’t get into a car accident. He would be screwed. Also, is it apples in any form? Like a bowl of applesauce or a glass or Snapple with Jack Daniels. Would that keep the doctor away? And why don’t people want doctors around. Seems like a handy thing to me.
“Hey doc, wanna pull out this appendix?
“Well I am here, why the hell not!”
Does that ever happen I wonder?
As a side note
I would like to apologize for my post about smelly hippies. I was mad at someone else, and I transposed that anger onto them. Don’t get me wrong, the smell still makes me want to chuck.

I don't want to "harsh" anyone's "mellow" but hippies just get on my nerves. Here is a message for them:
Being "all natural" is another word for stinking. It's called soap and you use it as a common politeness.
telling everyone to relax all the time makes people on edge.
if your the only person high, your jokes are not only not funny but to anyone else, but you sound like a moron.
why can't we all just get along? Because nobody likes you.
wearing the same cloths all the time, the only people who can get away with that are cartoon characters. When you do it you stink.

wow, that was mean. Luckily I never met a hippy I couldn't beat down.

Wow, 1000 apologies to my 2 readers. So that is a total of 2000 apologies. End of year is a bit busy for me, what with the holidays and me trying to sleep in and play video games.

With that out of the way, here is my first post of 2007.

It is for younger couples, and I would like to call it the perfect relationship.

millions of people a day ask me, "Jerkbag, can you get the hell out of my way?"

Nothing to do with the post, but true none the less.

ladies, guys are not complicated people. If you think that the kind gestures are anything more then something to put you in the mood then you are incorrect.

In the beginning of relationships, guys want to hit that. Once they do, it means that the beginning gentlemen like stuff is pretty much over with, and it's all laying on the couch and grunting.

Lastly, don't do drugs. They are the poor persons TIVO.