This weekend I bought the movie league of extraordinary gentlemen. I wonder how many nano seconds the porno industry took before it made a movie called league of extraordinary genitals?

Well, I would have to say that today I don’t have anything interesting to say. Total blank. Is this the beginning of the end? Most experts that I asked, asked me to leave their office. And I did, with almost no police escorts. This gets me thinking, what if I can’t think of anything funny ever? Would that be so bad? Nah, I would be less annoying. More people would stop asking, what is wrong with him and instead ask, why is that guy so normal. Yeah, I’m ok with this.

I sometimes think that if Roger Moore and Brian Cox had a detective agency what would they call it? Roger and Brian’s detective agency. What did you think they would call it? Oh, hey. I just got it.

Wow, not a single person in my family called to wish my son happy birthday. Funny enough some of them this is like the 3rd time in 4 years that they did it.

If a tree fell on a mime in the woods, and nobody was around to be amused by it, would it still be funny?

Happy Birthday to my Son. He is 3 things today; Great, 4 years old, and not feeling well.

Taken from http://www.churchhopping.com/

Ten Verses Never Preached On

10. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Comments: George Costanza envokes the wrath of God.

9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Comments: Possibly the first streaker in history.


8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Comments: We can’t just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

Comments: Not only do you have to carry the body out, but you have to mop the floor too.



6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

Comments: How do you present a gift like that? Do you tie a bow on the box?

5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB

Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

Comments: I imagine the son was screaming in pain and Moses just kinda stared at it in disgust.

4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?



3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

Comments: Apparently the sword pierced all the way through and something unexpected came out the other side. The author felt this was a necessary detail to include.

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

OLD RELIABLE

my bro, you better believe if he says he is coming over or calling it aint gonna happen. you can take that to the bank.

Frequently asked questions about mail order brides:
If you are not going to next day air your mail order bride, she might starve to death in the box. Also do you use packing peanuts or bubble wrap? i would think the peanuts but i have no idea.
If you pick one out of a catalog and it is out of stock, what would happen? Wait for restock? That could take 18 years.
I went to the ups website and did a search for “mail order brides” I found this tidbit:
do you think the people in china have a special ups department that packages up just brides?
If it is damaged in box do not remove from package or bring package to the hospital or police. Wait for ups reprehensive to assess the damage (a rep will be there between 1 to 2 weeks)

The guy who likes apples was near my desk getting an apple out of the fridge today. I took this time to ask him, “if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, whom would eating a pig scrotum a day keep away?

He just looked at me blankly

“EVERYONE. Now enjoy your apple.”

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

There is a guy at my work who eats an apple a day. He told me it was to keep the doctor away. I hope he doesn’t get into a car accident. He would be screwed. Also, is it apples in any form? Like a bowl of applesauce or a glass or Snapple with Jack Daniels. Would that keep the doctor away? And why don’t people want doctors around. Seems like a handy thing to me.
“Hey doc, wanna pull out this appendix?
“Well I am here, why the hell not!”
Does that ever happen I wonder?
As a side note
I would like to apologize for my post about smelly hippies. I was mad at someone else, and I transposed that anger onto them. Don’t get me wrong, the smell still makes me want to chuck.

I don't want to "harsh" anyone's "mellow" but hippies just get on my nerves. Here is a message for them:
Being "all natural" is another word for stinking. It's called soap and you use it as a common politeness.
telling everyone to relax all the time makes people on edge.
if your the only person high, your jokes are not only not funny but to anyone else, but you sound like a moron.
why can't we all just get along? Because nobody likes you.
wearing the same cloths all the time, the only people who can get away with that are cartoon characters. When you do it you stink.

wow, that was mean. Luckily I never met a hippy I couldn't beat down.

Wow, 1000 apologies to my 2 readers. So that is a total of 2000 apologies. End of year is a bit busy for me, what with the holidays and me trying to sleep in and play video games.

With that out of the way, here is my first post of 2007.

It is for younger couples, and I would like to call it the perfect relationship.

millions of people a day ask me, "Jerkbag, can you get the hell out of my way?"

Nothing to do with the post, but true none the less.

ladies, guys are not complicated people. If you think that the kind gestures are anything more then something to put you in the mood then you are incorrect.

In the beginning of relationships, guys want to hit that. Once they do, it means that the beginning gentlemen like stuff is pretty much over with, and it's all laying on the couch and grunting.

Lastly, don't do drugs. They are the poor persons TIVO.