My new annoying thing lately is going up to someone and asking something obious about them. Hey what are you doing, standing around? Hey what are you doing talking to some guy and being interrupted by me? Hey what are you doing, reading this blog? I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks. My next move in this pointless progression is to start jumping to conclusions

Hey, what are you doing? Thinking about killing your wife?
Hey, what are you doing? Standing in peoples way waiting to get punched.

I have invented a potion that makes me invisible. Unfortunately it also gives everyone else the ability to see people who are invisible, apparently.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

I almost forgot the necklace. I had gotten this necklace (I still have it) from a museum. It was just a simple brown string with a Celtic symbol for tolerance on it. I was walking past her desk coming from the bathroom. (I started taking the long way to the bathroom just to walk past her.) and she commented on my necklace when I was walking past. I kept walking at first for about 2 seconds as it didn’t sync in right away. But I am sure she said something like “I like your necklace” so I stopped and backtracked and showed it to her. I had a small conversation about how it got it and that my nephew at time, who was 1 years old picked it out.
Hmmm, did it seem like she was interested in me? This is a difficult thing for me to tell because she said she liked my necklace and not myself. However, I did have that necklace on since then and nobody has commented on it, ever. That added to her being with me right now may mean she didn’t like the necklace and just wanted to talk to me. I guess we’ll never know.

when is the next holiday? does anyone know. when i say holiday i only reckinize real ones where i would get off work, and not fake ones like elvis's birthday or easter.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

The next week I decided to play the cool card. Unfortunately I didn’t have that card, so I decided to be myself (huge mistake if you knew me, you would know why). My desk was near a copy machine and she was making some copies. I was sitting at my desk pretending to work and she was just kind of hanging out. Well after about 10 minutes of me pretending to do something, I looked up at her and said “you know, this thing copies on its own” and she walked away. I showed her. Nobody stands in front of my desk! Wow was I dumb back then. So a day goes by and I ran into her in the hall with some homely jerk, and I said, “if you’re here, who is watching the copy machine?” and then ran off like a damn psycho. Luckily, she found it amusing.

I heard a funny pitch for a guy training today. He said he was going to come in, train everyone for 2 days and then leave, and nobodies the wiser. Why did he add that last part?

Ok this is an abridged version of how I met my wife.

I was working a job I didn’t like. The days were long and the women there were haggard (that is the kindest word I could come up with). My company was notorious for hiring temps. They were like klenex at that place. We would just rip right through them. All of the temps, were of course, haggard.
Ok, let’s shoot forward a couple of years. This chick starts at work, who was hot. The kind of hot you can bake an oven with a turkey in it and they both come out just right. When someone is paying attention to you more then normal you can feel it. After talking to her just a few times and her not filling my eyes with mace, I told my friend she seemed interested. I found out that on a Friday she was going to a “work night out” I never once went to those things. The reason was that I spent enough time with those jerks, but I found out she was going. So I went.
That was a nightmare for me
She mentioned to everyone that she didn’t have any money and was waiting on her friend. Once her friend got there she was going to leave. So was I, but I was the only person who knew that. She mentioned no money? Well what the heck I offered to buy her a drink.
Think she said no? Well saying no wouldn’t of been as bad as what happened. I sometimes play out the whole thing in slow motion in my head. It was a nightmare, yelled NO and stabbed me in the hand with a fork. Well maybe she just said no, but what the hell? I just thought she was thirsty. So after she made me look stupid in front of my coworkers, a small group of us just hung out and talked. I thought things were going well, and then her friend showed up. Ok, so I was like I guess I’ll leave before her so she would never be aware that I liked her and could retain what little coolness I have mustered through the years. So I did the preemptive strike and left what I thought was minutes before she did. She didn’t leave. She stayed the whole night.
To be continued at a later date, obviously

My last job I use to come in late everyday. I would love to watch the faces of the people as I would waltz in at 8:15. I could here them whisper and get these great glares from them; I would just smile and wave.
I once went in on time and I left my shoes untied, then spent the first 15 minutes tying them. I looked at one of my coworkers and said, “That must be it!”
It use to drive people crazy, but I didn’t do it because of that. Or because of the looks on peoples faces when I waltzed in.(although it was priceless let me tell you). I did it because I could. Absolute power corrupts absolute. Nobody ever questioned why or told me to start coming in on time. I would go year after year with reviews where they didn’t even mention it. Why didn’t anyone care that I violated such an extreme rule. Look back at school. Tardiness was punished in such an extreme way. Late for school? Get a detention. Late for a class? Get a detention. Get out of school and you’re late for work, nothing. Do it again, nothing. I eventually left that job because “I wasn’t challenged.” I outgrew my own tardiness.

I was once asked if I didn’t believe in god how did I know what was right from wrong? I told him it wasn’t god that made him know right from wrong, it was his belief in god. He said no. I asked him if he had ever actually seen god? He said no. So it was his belief in god that made him act that way, it had to of been. If he never seen it he would have to have faith, and that faith was keeping him in line, not god.
He then asked me if I had to see everything to believe it. I said, no. I believe in never seen a religious nut that wasn’t pushy, but I would like to think they are out there.

I don't have anything to say, but that hasn't stopped me before: A meat pie is good and a meat cake is disgusting? I wonder why.

Man I was drawing a blank today but after an interesting conversation with some jerks, I got this:

If a hotel mattress suddenly sprang to life, what would he have to say?
How about, dear lord please stop putting 2 year olds on me? I am sick of smelling like urine.
For the love of Spiderman, flip me, I’m getting bed sores!!!
My job is like Joan Collins, just having fat guys lie on me. (I have no clue on what that means)
Why can’t you remove my label?
What is the deal with airline food?
Popeye’s is better then KFC. (This is just common knowledge)

Meetings, i hate them. Meetings are that one thing that helps prevent me from doing my job. I use to pretend to get pages, cell calls, anything to get out of meetings. It was pretty slick. I would be sitting there and just stand up, look at my phone and walk out. Nobody ever questioned me.
How did King Arthur get out of stuff like that? I’ll be he kept a passenger pigeon in his pocket. At the right time he would pull it out, look at it, and walk away. Simpler times.