At my job, i do a lot of conversing on the phone. one thing i have been doing lately is saying, "let me grab my notes on this" put the guy on hold for 10 mins and then pull out a piece of paper that says "the guy on the phone is an asshole"

Serves no purpose, but still makes me happy.

oh and merry christmas if you want if not then don't.

Some pictures get me all teary eyed inside, if that is possible, which it isn't.

Of all the exacting sciences, dialing a number on the phone is one of the most exacting.

COME SMELL THE EXCITEMENT, or why humans like to smell poop.

You ever go to the zoo? Really? Why is that? Do you need to see a lion hanging out with a tire or a really big ball? Those habitats are not as natural as you may think. They look more like a hillbilly’s backyard.

The one thing zoo’s can give you that you can’t get most other places is the smell of animal droppings. In fact, the only interesting thing that happens is when an animal makes “business” in front of everyone.

I ordered some stuff from woot and there is a delay, no biggie, but i figured i would spread my annoance with them a bit.
So, here is my 2 emails to woot, in a post I would like to call…what the hell is wrong with me?

Replace the X’s with words.

Hi

I am contacting you about order XXXXXXXXXX. According to the FedEx website it had an estimated delivery date for the 12th and it didn't show up. So I called FedEx today tracking number (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX) and they said that the label was printed out but the package wasn't picked up. This speaker system for a zune was suppose to be a gift for my friend who being deployed to Iraq or Iran or irun or whatever. Is this going to get here in time? How is he going to listen to music in a fox hole without really loud speakers. Also since you already charged me, and haven't shipped it yet, is there anyway to make it up to me by giving me a gift of some kind? I normally don't ask for stuff like this, but I have had a bad year and my dirty ex-wife has taken so much from me that I feel like maybe you guys could throw me some kind of bone. As always, merry xmas.

Dictated but not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX

I got an automated response to this, by that didn’t stop me from be annoying, so I wrote this back…

Don't cancel my order, I know what it is like to be behind, I am currently behind in many many things in life. As I mentioned in my previous email, I am dieing. Not of any disease, but of old age. My only hope is that one day people will remember me as the guy who ordered speakers from woot and received them. As I don't appreciate being delayed, like a hooker in an airport, there is nothing I can do about it. Thank you for your support in this, my darkest hour.

Dictated by not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX