If you listen to music, like 20 percent of the worlds population, you may notice that some lyrics to songs are about shaking babies until they die. I am, of course, thinking of the song, “you shook my all night long.” I dissected this song word for word for here is my translation.

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn women that I’ve ever seen.

Ok, she was a fast machine: Whore
She kept her motor clean: no idea
She was the best damn women that I’ve ever seen: whore who shakes babies to death.

Then I stopped listening. Disgusting.

I could name 20 monster rock ballads that have the words “desire” rhyming with “fire” in them. Why? Are these the only 2 words that rhyme that mean “I’m sulking over a whore?” Humansminusbrains thinks not.

Lets cut and paste some “ire” sounds into a song about a guy missing the chick who just dumped him: (take any 2 lines and they should match up and make some sence)

I want to take your corpse to the Spire
I want to dig through some love resume’s until I Hire
I want to back over your skull with my Tire
You talk the truth of a Liar
I was selling my heart, but no Buyer
I am going to throw your cat in a Dryer


Really spices up that love song.

Till next time, keep your head on your neck and your feet under your legs somewhere.

fan email

Dear sir,
our records have shown that your bill is now 2 months past due.
love,
the Goverment


Well, thank you for writing me mr. hitler. Sorry, your invasion into France didn't work out. I know you wanted to stay longer (forever maybe?)

Invention idea # 400

It is like a dream catcher, only it it is made of used condoms. its called a whore catcher. it works just as good as the dream catcher.

Funny quote from the show Darkplace:

She was like a candle in the wind, unreliable.

What time is it? Its’ valintime!

How to make a poem for Violinetime:

Get a hold of some of the wussy rock of the 80s. Air supply will do but don’t feel like you should exclude others (the ladies from bon jovi make some really girly music) Then lock yourself into a small room with that music and lots of booze. Now that you are ready follow these simple steps:

1. drink a lot of booze
2. to check if you are drunk enough try to do something like eat a cracker. If you can’t do it. You are at the right level.
3. start listening to the music selection. 1 song over and over for an hour
4. turn off the song, wait 20 mins
5. now write down the lyrics from memory
6. pass out.

When you wake up in the morning, clean up all the vomit and leave the small room.

Take the piece of paper with your song lyrics and turn them in as your own.

Hey, hold on. That is plagiarism right? Nope. The lyrics you wrote down aren’t even close to the acutall songs you were listening too. They may even be romantic (2 percent chance)

Good luck and happy Gallontime!

I like the expression “by the way” but what does it mean?
("by the way" has been used as a prepositional phrase meaning literally "alongside the road")
We should change it. Next conversation you mention “and by the way, your mom is really really hot.“

Change it to these variations, keeping in mind they should all get you punched in the face:

Incidentally your mom is really really hot. ( That is the literal (non funny) meaning)
Next to some curd, your mom is really really hot. (that is the “whey” variation)
By the whale, your mom is really really hot. Makes there mom look fat and sexy.
Buy the whey, your mom is really really hot. (this one would be better if your either in a store holding whey, or maybe just writing it in a letter.)
Is your mom a hooker? Because she was by the way.

Let’s go Green! How to make Arbor Day more fun. First we need to get a zillion trees and pass them out to everyone. All extra trees need to be discarded or melted down by nuclear waste. Or used to build something that may harm the environment, like making wood seal grinders. (A good wood seal grinder can blend 3 to 5 seals in an hour) the products that a ground up seal can be used to make more seal grinders (GO GREEN). Ok so everyone has their trees? Great now part 2. Get a zillion speakers and a zillion chairs. Now remove 1 chair and start playing music. Once the music stops, everyone has to sit down, the one left standing needs to plant that tree. Now remove 1 chair, and destroy it. The wood chips it produces can be used to help the seal grinders so how. And start up the music. Repeat this until everyone but 1 person has planted the tree. The winner gets to throw away his tree and wins a free seal grinder.

My first joke I made up ever:

A man was doing his budget for the week and was trying to decide what would go under groceries. Sure, food and drink was easy enough but what about all the miscellaneous stuff that goes with it? So he decided that anything that made him go to the bathroom would go under food. Later that year his wife took over the bills as he was insanely retarded. She noticed that his bill was starting to get very large. Things like Scary movies and speeding tickets were put under groceries. When his wife asked him what that was about, he said that it was stuff that scared the shit out of him, therefore was under groceries.

Not bad, it started off strong got frustrating and then ending very confusing, just like everything I do.

How to be funny!

Here is a lesson on how to be funny. First lesson is called quick wit!

Have things ready for someone when they say something. These have to be generic but funny responses. Here is are examples of generic movie responses:

Debbie Does Dallas
The Stupids
Popcorn on the floor taste just as good as in a bowl

Ok have them in the on “standby”

Now wait for someone to talk about movies, as soon as they pause, yell out your response and then stare at them.

Jerk1: man I saw the best movie last night.
HMBperson: Debbie Does Dallas!
Jerk1: huh?

Will it be funny to them? WHO CARES? Life is about entertaining you not them.

Next lesson: how to make a person over uncomfortable in an elevator.