i think if 2 people tried to talk like yoda for a whole conversation, it would only be a matter of time before they kill each other

Fan mail

I get billions of emails, snail mails, passenger pigeons and even some smoke signals asking me zillions of questions. I can’t get to them all. So what I did was throw most of them away. My garbage is full of smoke and pigeons, and it is getting tuff to explain to the pretentious garbage guys on why my pigeons are so Smokey. So I pulled out 1 smoke signal, and with my lucky charms decoder ring, this is the question I have deciphered.

Hi! My name is hank and I am homeless. I live in your garbage can and was wondering if you can throw away something besides smoke and pigeons? Thanks your creepy neighbor, hank.
My answer?


Sure no problem!

Are you cool? No, of course not.

There are many definitions of cool. This thing seems to elude most, mainly because they don’t know what it looks like, even when it is dancing naked in front of them (which isn’t remotely cool).

Some people think that being popular or being nice are paths to cool, nope. Those are just paths to being chummped.

Here is the real test to on whether or not you are cool. If someone is in a room with a bunch of people he doesn’t know (hospital funeral, wherever) and announces loudly, “Man. I just want to apologize to everyone for being so damn handsome.” Most people will just stare or mutter something to their friends on how weird that guy is. Those guys are chumps in their own rights.
The cool person will just shout back “Damn Right!”

That is cool. That is what cool is, any questions?

Excerpt from my new book: Cooking for anorexics


Grapes are good, really really good. But the problem is most grocers don’t carry half stock grapes. Well I found an interesting place that will sell a half grape but the cost is astronomical prices. But if you want a fresh halved grape, this is they way to go. So here is what you need

Ingredients:

1 half grape, fresh or frozen
1 misting bottle filled with 3 eye drops of ice cold water

To prepare take the grape and cut it into 16 different parts. Place them on a tray, and stand 3 rooms away with the misting bottle. With a half a squeeze release the water and after about 2 hours the mist should gentle rest on the grapes. Then the grapes are ready to be looked at. Once done looking at them discard. (if you are still hungry after all that) look at a picture of a quartered tomato being held by a turtle.

I don't like bashing tv, for christs sake, it's raising my kids for me. but sometimes you just have to say, what the hell does a sock puppet need a bathroom in his house for?