Question:
Does HR have to get invovled everytime I sit in the mens room at work and scream at people when they walk in "Who are you? Who sent you?" or "do you have a package for me?"
Answer:
Yes.

The 4th of July is perhaps the most stupid idea for a holiday. does anyone really know what we are celebrating? Don't get me wrong I really like your country. you humans (minus brains) are all right in my book. I just find it hard to believe that we are still entertained by flashes of light in the sky that aren't aliens (think land of the dead and you'll really feel silly)? Fireworks are dangerous. Anything that you lite and then explodes or just gets real hot shouldn't be given to children to run around and really hurt themselves. Do you think Francis Scott Key was writing about sparklers? Why not celebrate the holiday but doing a mock signing of the declaration of independence, where you are all wearing white wigs and blouses.
for the pete of sake, be careful.

Today Someone referred our intern as a "reverse Doogie Howser"


Ok, it was me.

How to look like you know what your doing

1 uncross your eyes.
2 do not announce that you don’t know what you are doing
3 if at any point you pulled your pants down, pull them back up, blame a leprechaun and continue
4 site a reputable source, like a doctor. Do not use anyone that is not reputable , like a politician
5 do not read this paper out loud during your speech.
6 at the end of the speech, don’t say “or whatever.”
7 use fancy words like “no idea” and “whatyacallit”

Everyone does something wrong. I feel it is good to anonymously point that out. next time your loading paper into the printer, be sure to write "I know what you did" or "I'm on to you" on one of the papers. however. if you have the printer at your desk and you have short term memory loss, don't do this prank as it may backfire.

Vintage classic post, and that doesn't mean i'm running out of stupid ideas:

Why the game Monopoly is bull and I hate you.

Ok I hate monopoly. No big deal you think, this guy hates everything. Sometimes I even hate air.
Everyone is like, “hey what’s up with him?”
“Oh didn’t you know? He breathed and it set him off.”

But I digress. Here is my problem with monopoly:
At the most, I played it with 4 people, you can do more, but I never did. The first part of the game is great, you run around buying stuff. But eventually you can’t buy anything anymore. So you build houses and hotels, if you can. So now you have people running around owning houses and hotels, but staying at other people’s houses or hotels.

Let me tell you something, if you own a house or a hotel, you’re not going to spend the night in another one right down the road, especially when its 1500 dollars a night and your hurting for money. Your gonna spend the night in your house or hotel for free.

And what kind of city only has 4 people in it? No wonder it cost 2000 for a night to stay

Inspirational quote of the day:
if you think you can, you're not thinking it through.
or
if you think you can, i think you're wrong
or
it’s better to loved and lost then to be shot and raped.

Yesterday at a grocery store I saw a guy who was with my brother when he got punched in 2nd grade for wearing a tin foil nose. I was at a loss of words…what could I say?

The more I know, the more I don't want to know...TMI

Although I've never seen the show, i always liked the show JAG! I just thought it was about a guy who parked in handicap parking spots and spit on old people.
According to the imdb, the the plot is "The cases of Harmon Rabb, former Navy fighter pilot, and his fellow JAG lawyers"

I'm thinking a spin off called JAG Babies. think of the possibilities.

How horrifying would it be to sleep with a clown? ask the members of the band Kiss's wives. They would know for sure.

unknown author:
well my memory is not working so well lately so i figure i just say the truth so i don thave to remember shit

apparently i am a self made man, which is why i dress like crap.

we could take off every day for Alzheimer day
think about it

The government did an experiment (top secret mind you) asking would a perpetual motion machine and a motion sensor activated device together be funny? The answer: Your damn right it would.

The Charlie Story
Charlie is genius, right; he's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum, ha, imagine that! In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement; It was too hot in LA, and he melted like a pink bitch, Ha ha ha ha ha! Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slices. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet, ha ha! Destination Alaska! Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into to the shape of a hoover - "I wasn't thinking." Charlie wasn't fazed though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits "ha ha … oh." The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. "I appear to be on fire." The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. "After all I did for you … oooh." The green shape was frozen. After a quick drink Charlie stole Eric Phillips magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd killed 50 Inuits, no-one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, dildos, trumpets and spanners.

I wonder if anyone has ever killed a pacifist in self-defence?

If you haven't gotten to where you're going, your aren't there yet. George Carlin

What is popularity? Well, if you think it is where nobody knows you and you eat alone, then yes, I am very popular.

People say my eyes are my best feature. That is crazy! My eyes are just hooked up to the part of my brain that wants to know what is going on out there. The rest of me could care less. And they have this crazy color. The color hasn’t been invented for my eyes as of yet. Well blue, I guess they are bluish. I wish sometimes they were pointed the other way. So I can see what I’m thinking.