So in a meeting today, our boss was talking about a hr meeting that she went to. In the meeting, they mentioned that only 10 percent of the people who were covered in our insurance had a full yearly examination. One guy in our meeting raised his hand to acknollege that he had one.
she said, "Do you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah, some time this year that guy had a someone's finger up his ass."

Time is an abstract concept







except for my birthday

i think if 2 people tried to talk like yoda for a whole conversation, it would only be a matter of time before they kill each other

Fan mail

I get billions of emails, snail mails, passenger pigeons and even some smoke signals asking me zillions of questions. I can’t get to them all. So what I did was throw most of them away. My garbage is full of smoke and pigeons, and it is getting tuff to explain to the pretentious garbage guys on why my pigeons are so Smokey. So I pulled out 1 smoke signal, and with my lucky charms decoder ring, this is the question I have deciphered.

Hi! My name is hank and I am homeless. I live in your garbage can and was wondering if you can throw away something besides smoke and pigeons? Thanks your creepy neighbor, hank.
My answer?


Sure no problem!

Are you cool? No, of course not.

There are many definitions of cool. This thing seems to elude most, mainly because they don’t know what it looks like, even when it is dancing naked in front of them (which isn’t remotely cool).

Some people think that being popular or being nice are paths to cool, nope. Those are just paths to being chummped.

Here is the real test to on whether or not you are cool. If someone is in a room with a bunch of people he doesn’t know (hospital funeral, wherever) and announces loudly, “Man. I just want to apologize to everyone for being so damn handsome.” Most people will just stare or mutter something to their friends on how weird that guy is. Those guys are chumps in their own rights.
The cool person will just shout back “Damn Right!”

That is cool. That is what cool is, any questions?

Excerpt from my new book: Cooking for anorexics


Grapes are good, really really good. But the problem is most grocers don’t carry half stock grapes. Well I found an interesting place that will sell a half grape but the cost is astronomical prices. But if you want a fresh halved grape, this is they way to go. So here is what you need

Ingredients:

1 half grape, fresh or frozen
1 misting bottle filled with 3 eye drops of ice cold water

To prepare take the grape and cut it into 16 different parts. Place them on a tray, and stand 3 rooms away with the misting bottle. With a half a squeeze release the water and after about 2 hours the mist should gentle rest on the grapes. Then the grapes are ready to be looked at. Once done looking at them discard. (if you are still hungry after all that) look at a picture of a quartered tomato being held by a turtle.

I don't like bashing tv, for christs sake, it's raising my kids for me. but sometimes you just have to say, what the hell does a sock puppet need a bathroom in his house for?

Humans minus brains top list of healthy living

1. breathe air. Surprisingly fish never took on this habit and now they are stuck in the water
2. Eat food. Most people do, others don’t the ones that do outlive the ones that don’t by 10 to 50 million years
3. Staples are not food. Most people who indulge themselves on staples usually have lower pains when they come out.
4. ping pong balls instead of eyeballs. You can use a magic marker to fill in details
5. don’t piss off people who are holding knives. When someone puts an unnecessary hole in you, bodily fluids that could be useful may spill out, shortening your life slightly.
6. take off clothes, not skin. Sometimes when people get undressed the don’t know when to stop. The loss of skin may prevent you from putting on sun tan lotion in some cases.

Guys are so complex. here is a translation guideline:

food translation - Sex
ear infection translation - Sex
news translation - Sex
Hey translation - Sex
we need to talk translation - we need to talk about Sex
are you hungry translation - Sex
can you give me a hand translation - oh yeah!
want to have sex? translation - No idea

I just found this out today, was in a bit of shock…

Quiet Riot is now 25 percent more quieter. Apparently Kevin Debrow (singer of Quiet Riot ) died back in 2007, of a drug overdose.

How? How can I make this funny? Well think about it. What if he fell down and hit his head?

The paper would read “Quiet Riot Singer bangs his head…then dies”

Donated blood today. The questions they ask are really crazy, they are all yes or no, but I just wrote over the top of it, “whatever your vampirc lords prefer me to say” on top of every answer, and I got in right away.

Rehash post from last year

The Answer:
I sprayed mace in his eyes because he made me feel uncomfortable.


The Question:
I told my coworker that I felt naked today because I forgot my blackberry at home. He told me that he feels naked when he isn’t wearing clothing. He laughed, then he screamed. The question is, why did he scream?

Why do people drive with there High beams while driving out in the county?

How else are people going to know you’re a jerk out in the dark in the middle of nowhere?

When i get writers block or can't be stupid for a couple of minutes, i like to hash up old stuff

2 year old post...


Do you think that the term ho down means the same as in Texas as it does in New York?

I’m thinking of selling real bears that have clever, non-loving slogans on them. I’m thinking of an anti-Valentine gifts.

“When your not around, your barley missed.”
“You bared your sole to me, and although I appreciate it, I’m calling the cops”
“I wish a bear would come and kill you”
“I’m Barely Tolerating you”

IF you ever listen to a glam rock song and think to yourself, is this song about a whore? The answer is always a yes.

I read an article about finding lost Amazon tribe was a hoax. At first I thought to myself, in your face people who want other people found. Both things put a smile on my face that somebody tricked a bunch of people and then later getting caught. Good for him for lying, good for the rest for figuring it out.

So the people weren’t lost, but if they were what is the REAL benefit to finding a lost tribe? I looked it up. What happens is that you find the lost tribe, put it in the unclaimed lost tribe box at your local supermarket. If nobody claims the tribe in 30 days, you can take them home with you, if they have not died of starvation from living in a box for 30 days.

My thoughts on George Carlin passing away: first thing that comes to mind: Funny, made you think sometimes, likes to make waves. Ornery, crabby, hated stupid people and he seen them everywhere. He kicked ass and made me think while I was growing up. Next to Vonnegut and Doug Adams passing on, I'm running out of childhood heroes. I know that he was old but he is gone and tom Arnold still lives? This is bullshit.

Here is a picture of me holding my zune right before i was hit by a helecoptor riding an airplane.


Memories

I have been drinking pepsi for the last 3 months or so trying to win a zune from pepsistuff.com. well, i won! and i also have diabeties, it may have been worth it. Hurray for me!