It was my anniversary this weekend (Happy anniversary baby! Thanks for a great 6 years!) I told a buddy of mine and he said, “you know what they say, after 7 years your got nothing to worry about” I told him that people who think that are in for a rude awakening. There is always something to worry about.

By the lizzel of the mizzel

Today I got a stern looking at from an entire room when I announced, “I don’t like to generalize, but everyone I have ever seen or talked to are the dumbest people in the world.”

I saw a guy on a bike with a sweater in his mouth today. I couldn’t stop thinking; did someone bet this guy he couldn’t ride around town and eat a sweater at the same time? Most likely.

I was on vacation this week. I've done something i haven't done since i was 5. I went a week without bathing. It was very smelly in the end, literally. :P

chris christopherson and the band Chris Cross should of done an album together. Just because that chris christopherson’s name has both of their names in it. Plus think of the tounge twisting name on the album…

chris christopherson’s Chris Cross…ablum name: Chris Crossing chris christopherson's cross featureing chris cross.


say that 10 times in a row, if you have time.

I had the weirdest drive in today. First I was behind a car that was doing 5 miles an hour with the hazards on. Most people would have gone around him, but not me. Why? Because I keep thinking that the car is going to split in half and turn in both directions. It never does. Today was no exception. Then I was speeding. I don’t usually speed, or at least notice that I’m speeding, but I saw a cop doing radar. He just let me pass? Am I above the law? To test my theory I also went through 2 red lights. No tickets. If I have been given some power I am going to abuse it.

Sorry about the long break everyone. my uncle past away and i didn't feel like goofing off for a while. In short, he was a funny guy and I wish i knew him better.

While saying that i would like also say this. Pants piss me off. I don't feel like i need to go any further than that, cause you no what i mean. What's that? you don't? ok, then let me elaborate. Pants piss me off a lot.

Feels good to get that off my chest. pants on my chest? maybe that is what i'm doing wrong.

Till next time kids, keep you head on your neck and your feet on your ankles.

Friends are just enemies that don’t have the guts to kill you - Judy Tenuta

quote from emo philips website. he is so funny it sometimes scares me.

When Time Out approached me for an interview, we began coordinating the details, and it suddenly occurred to me that you can gauge a celebrity's status by how much control he and/or she exerts over an interview. A hot celebrity can choose the interviewer. A hotter one can demand to see the questions beforehand. A sizzling hot one can get complete editing approval over the finished pieces. So I thought, why leave anything to chance? Why not cut through the baloney, eliminate the middleman, and simply interview myself? It'll save everyone a lot of time and hassle, whilst just coincidentally enabling me to pocket the writer's fee.



I found Emo Philips in the bar area of London's Playhouse Theatre. For over an hour the lanky yankee had been onstage, dazzling the audience with breathtakingly original comedy, poetry and a riddle. Now, he was busy signing autographs and fielding requests for sex (my goodness, was there a Vogue models convention in town?). After taking the time to pen something hilarious, unique yet personal for every fan (or 'Emo-Philiac' as the master himself likes to call them), Emo glanced at the mirror and saw me. Thus reminded of our interview, he led me backstage to his dressing room, a beautiful, private retreat complete with a ceiling. After plopping down gracefully into a metal folding chair, Emo removed his Barry Manilow watch, placed it on the table next to him, and said firmly but gently, 'You've got just 22 hours. Begin.'

Emo: How old are you?
Emo: 34.

I could see right away his joust of wit would not be for the faint-hearted.

Emo: How tall are you?
Emo: Six feet two.
Emo: How much do you weigh?
Emo: 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

This last answer caught me totally off-guard. Laughter - a sweet, helpless laughter - welled up inside me, uncertain at first, and then increasing logarithmically, like the passion within the breasts of a tender young virgin chained to a post in the Coliseum as the baboon trainer approaches her with his lascivious charges.

So, Emo, is this to be that sort of interview? A silly, nonsensical, no-holds barred affair, comic take all? Oh you monster! You delightfully, naughty monster! Well then, so be it! Make me your little whipping boy, and toss caution to the breeze!

Emo: Emo, you are very talented.
Emo: Well, that's not for me to say.
Emo: Darn you, Emo, modesty will get you nowhere! You must learn to blow your own horn in this world! Very well, if you refuse to praise yourself, then I will. I'll shout it out from the highest mountaintop: Emo is talented! Emo is...
Emo: Please stop...you're embarrassing me!
Emo: But you just have to learn how good you are!
Emo: I beg you...change the subject.
Emo: You are so wonderful. Very well, I shall soldier on. Now Emo, you are getting to be quite the frequent visitor to our shores, old chap.
Emo: Oh, yes. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I was gone. Guffaws flew from my mouth like spasmodic mating honks from some giant prehistoric bird. I doubled up as if some prankster had detoured the Indy 500 into my duodenum. And Emo...Emo the cruel, Emo the barbarian...simply sat there and smiled at me, timing the laughter on the second-hand of his watch. The villain might just as well have used a calendar. And every time I felt that I might, in the far, far distant future, just possibly perhaps maybe come within sight of a point where I might, just perhaps, start to diminish my laughing, my torturer would attack me anew with a facial movement...raising an eyebrow three millionths of an inch for example...that would again plunge me reeling into an inescapable vortex of excruciatingly painful merriment. Finally I was saved by that most basic of needs...the need for oxygen. I had to begin breathing again, and this I finally did, for not even Emo's humour could override my involuntary instinct to survive. Or could it?

Emo: I read somewhere that you are quite the animal lover.
Emo: Oh, yes. I have a love for animals that is almost...illegal.

Partly to salvage at least a remnant of my sanity, partly as a supreme test of willpower, but mainly to get the interview on a serious track, I attempted to hold my laughter in by clamping my lips tightly together. Big mistake. The laughter, finding no natural egress through my oral cavity, deflected upward like a tidal wave striking a granite cliff and created several million pounds of pressure inside my nasal chambers. A nose vein burst, spraying blood like a demonic lawn sprinkler onto Emo, myself and everything else in the dressing room. Emo, his formerly innocent blue eyes now glazed with frenzy, tore off his shirt and began lapping up the blood like a delicate English schoolboy taking part in some bizarre jungle manhood ritual. He danced around the room, beat upon his chest like a gorilla, and let out a series of atavistic, cottage-cheese-curdling screams that I must confess terrified me to my very marrow. Finally, after what seemed like a minute and ten seconds, Emo sat back down exhausted, and began to weep.

Those fortunate few, if there be any others, who have seen Emo weep...a weeping, by the way, that is infinitely more masculine than the most 'macho' activity of any other man...will testify that it changes his appearance. No, don't panic ladies - he still retains every bit of his classical good looks. It's just that, softened by sobs, his handsomeness becomes...accessible. Tears of tenderness fall on the cheeks of the cold, marble Apollo, and bring it miraculously to life! This, then, is the real Emo, the living contradiction that lesser interviewers have been searching for for over a decade: the sad clown, the wistful waif, the post-apocalyptic Pierrot. But please! Think not for a moment that I am no longer in awe of the magnificent Monsieur Philips! I am and always will be. It's just that I now thankfully realise he is - dare I even whisper it? - mortal.

You ever hear of people who have some odd nickname and then you hear the story of how they got it. Here are some real life examples:

Ole’ one ball: We threw 5 balls at Hank. He got struck with a ball in the head. Hence the name ole one ball.

P-whip: Brian can’t get enough of Purple cool whip. Hence the name P-whip

Skid mark: Steve likes two things, the band skid row and Richard Marx, hence the name Skid mark.

Coward: Manard loves Cows. So we fused his name with it. Hence the name Coward.

Asshole: it seems like Roy has a hole in the middle of his ass. Hence the name Asshole. He is also a jerk.

Does anyone remember the song seventeen; it was about a middle age man whose girlfriend was a bit to young. Like young enough to get his ass thrown in jail. Now winger is pushing 50 and still plays this song to many uncomfortable parents and their children.

It was written by kip winger and some other guy from the band Winger. And I believe when it was written the dialog may have went something like this.

SomeOtherGuy: hey, I have an idea for a song. It’s about this guy who is with a 28 year old.

Winger (in a raspy voice): Younger

SomeOtherGuy: younger? Ok how about a 24 year old?

Winger (in a raspy voice): Younger

SomeOtherGuy: uh…eighteen?

Winger: seven

SomeOtherGuy: SEVEN? What the hell is wrong with you?

Winger: Seventeen then

I read the book great expectations with minimal expectations and I wasn’t disappointed.

For the last 2 weeks the bathrooms have been closed due to renovations. Finally they were finished but they didn’t put up any notices saying that they were completed. So I decided to put one up myself.

“The cameras in the bathrooms have been updated. Thank you for your patience.”

It’s still up there3 days later. And nobody is using the bathrooms, so I have them all to myself.

Sometimes when I am sitting at my desk, I pretend that when people are talking about Bluetooth technology, that Bluetooth is some really fat hillbilly with 1 blue tooth. If you can imagine with me, these may be funny to you:

I am trying to get on blue tooth.
My box doesn’t work with blue tooth (said by a women, to make it funny)
I was told that my blue tooth won’t work. (this could be a scenario where blue tooth’s mom is talking about blue tooth is trying to get a job and refuses to do it.)
My car doesn’t even have a place for blue tooth. (blue tooth’s first experience with discrimination)

The next time you are mad and rightly so, and some jerk tells you that you are overreacting. You say, "No, I'm under reacting. I should be punching you." That should quite up the room a bit. Unless you’re a wimp, then they will just laugh.

I tried baked doreitoes today. i got through half the bag and this is what I came up with, and i said it out loud as i was throwing away half the bag:

These new dorieotos must be good for me, because they taste like crap.

since the death of Gary Gygax i would like to pay homage by this post.

So, here is a funny quote about playing D&D from and unknown jerk:

"Say what you will about me, but if I'm going to spend all night pretending to be an elf, I'm certainly not doing it dead sober."

Regarding people who play Mass Multiplayer online games (MMOs)

Why do guys play girls? Do they think they will find a girl who plays a guy and they get together and have sex? That would make the most sense AND that is ridiculously stupid. The real reason is just as sad. Guys play girls online because they are such losers that nobody will have anything to do with them in real life. The guys who do pay attention to them in game are just as sad because these are the only girls they will probably talk to ever and they aren’t even girls.

I heard a Judge say,”You can’t try the devil without going to hell to get witnesses.” What it was in reference to was that they were a trial of a horrible person and they needed to get somewhat less horrible people to testify against him. Sounds cool though, this is a possible entry for my own tombstone. Just so people can walk by and say, “Wow, what the hell did this guy do? Another entry I was considering is, “Dear friend to Hitler” This is true, just not the guy you are thinking of.

If you listen to music, like 20 percent of the worlds population, you may notice that some lyrics to songs are about shaking babies until they die. I am, of course, thinking of the song, “you shook my all night long.” I dissected this song word for word for here is my translation.

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn women that I’ve ever seen.

Ok, she was a fast machine: Whore
She kept her motor clean: no idea
She was the best damn women that I’ve ever seen: whore who shakes babies to death.

Then I stopped listening. Disgusting.

I could name 20 monster rock ballads that have the words “desire” rhyming with “fire” in them. Why? Are these the only 2 words that rhyme that mean “I’m sulking over a whore?” Humansminusbrains thinks not.

Lets cut and paste some “ire” sounds into a song about a guy missing the chick who just dumped him: (take any 2 lines and they should match up and make some sence)

I want to take your corpse to the Spire
I want to dig through some love resume’s until I Hire
I want to back over your skull with my Tire
You talk the truth of a Liar
I was selling my heart, but no Buyer
I am going to throw your cat in a Dryer


Really spices up that love song.

Till next time, keep your head on your neck and your feet under your legs somewhere.

fan email

Dear sir,
our records have shown that your bill is now 2 months past due.
love,
the Goverment


Well, thank you for writing me mr. hitler. Sorry, your invasion into France didn't work out. I know you wanted to stay longer (forever maybe?)

Invention idea # 400

It is like a dream catcher, only it it is made of used condoms. its called a whore catcher. it works just as good as the dream catcher.

Funny quote from the show Darkplace:

She was like a candle in the wind, unreliable.

What time is it? Its’ valintime!

How to make a poem for Violinetime:

Get a hold of some of the wussy rock of the 80s. Air supply will do but don’t feel like you should exclude others (the ladies from bon jovi make some really girly music) Then lock yourself into a small room with that music and lots of booze. Now that you are ready follow these simple steps:

1. drink a lot of booze
2. to check if you are drunk enough try to do something like eat a cracker. If you can’t do it. You are at the right level.
3. start listening to the music selection. 1 song over and over for an hour
4. turn off the song, wait 20 mins
5. now write down the lyrics from memory
6. pass out.

When you wake up in the morning, clean up all the vomit and leave the small room.

Take the piece of paper with your song lyrics and turn them in as your own.

Hey, hold on. That is plagiarism right? Nope. The lyrics you wrote down aren’t even close to the acutall songs you were listening too. They may even be romantic (2 percent chance)

Good luck and happy Gallontime!

I like the expression “by the way” but what does it mean?
("by the way" has been used as a prepositional phrase meaning literally "alongside the road")
We should change it. Next conversation you mention “and by the way, your mom is really really hot.“

Change it to these variations, keeping in mind they should all get you punched in the face:

Incidentally your mom is really really hot. ( That is the literal (non funny) meaning)
Next to some curd, your mom is really really hot. (that is the “whey” variation)
By the whale, your mom is really really hot. Makes there mom look fat and sexy.
Buy the whey, your mom is really really hot. (this one would be better if your either in a store holding whey, or maybe just writing it in a letter.)
Is your mom a hooker? Because she was by the way.

Let’s go Green! How to make Arbor Day more fun. First we need to get a zillion trees and pass them out to everyone. All extra trees need to be discarded or melted down by nuclear waste. Or used to build something that may harm the environment, like making wood seal grinders. (A good wood seal grinder can blend 3 to 5 seals in an hour) the products that a ground up seal can be used to make more seal grinders (GO GREEN). Ok so everyone has their trees? Great now part 2. Get a zillion speakers and a zillion chairs. Now remove 1 chair and start playing music. Once the music stops, everyone has to sit down, the one left standing needs to plant that tree. Now remove 1 chair, and destroy it. The wood chips it produces can be used to help the seal grinders so how. And start up the music. Repeat this until everyone but 1 person has planted the tree. The winner gets to throw away his tree and wins a free seal grinder.

My first joke I made up ever:

A man was doing his budget for the week and was trying to decide what would go under groceries. Sure, food and drink was easy enough but what about all the miscellaneous stuff that goes with it? So he decided that anything that made him go to the bathroom would go under food. Later that year his wife took over the bills as he was insanely retarded. She noticed that his bill was starting to get very large. Things like Scary movies and speeding tickets were put under groceries. When his wife asked him what that was about, he said that it was stuff that scared the shit out of him, therefore was under groceries.

Not bad, it started off strong got frustrating and then ending very confusing, just like everything I do.

How to be funny!

Here is a lesson on how to be funny. First lesson is called quick wit!

Have things ready for someone when they say something. These have to be generic but funny responses. Here is are examples of generic movie responses:

Debbie Does Dallas
The Stupids
Popcorn on the floor taste just as good as in a bowl

Ok have them in the on “standby”

Now wait for someone to talk about movies, as soon as they pause, yell out your response and then stare at them.

Jerk1: man I saw the best movie last night.
HMBperson: Debbie Does Dallas!
Jerk1: huh?

Will it be funny to them? WHO CARES? Life is about entertaining you not them.

Next lesson: how to make a person over uncomfortable in an elevator.

I had some traveling woes this week, because i was traveling.

Let me just say this, thank goodness for zunes. they can make a 3 hour layover seem like a 3 hour fun fest. not really, but it does help.

For the last 3 days at a stop light this car has stopped in the turning lane about 10 feet before light, just so he gets the green arrow on the stop lights. So him and just him gets to go and the other 20 cars have to wait. Well today I decided to do something about it. Just like clockwork, I get stuck at the same light, and here comes Johnny “nowait” who stopped 10 feet away. So I just pulled my car in front of his, waited fort he green arrow to go away and then straightened out my car and didn’t turn. So he actually waited a lot longer then he would of if he had just pulled up. What did I accomplish? Nothing. But looking at my rearview mirror watching this guy yell and wave his arms just makes me feel good all over.

Good quote from the TV show "Black Book"

Men have a way of noticing women’s hair, and that is not noticing.

I’m thinking of a new show idea, called “The Highlander, Jerk history teacher” it is about this immortal highlander who chops off other immortals heads during the day, and teaches history at night. And the premise is that he is a huge know it all teacher because he was actually at the historical places that he was teaching, or he was across town while it was going on. nobody likes a know it all.

My wife said that in our town on a Sunday at 10:00 at night, the only 2 things that are open are Bars and a Women’s legs. Funny, but sadly true.

At my job, i do a lot of conversing on the phone. one thing i have been doing lately is saying, "let me grab my notes on this" put the guy on hold for 10 mins and then pull out a piece of paper that says "the guy on the phone is an asshole"

Serves no purpose, but still makes me happy.

oh and merry christmas if you want if not then don't.

Some pictures get me all teary eyed inside, if that is possible, which it isn't.

Of all the exacting sciences, dialing a number on the phone is one of the most exacting.

COME SMELL THE EXCITEMENT, or why humans like to smell poop.

You ever go to the zoo? Really? Why is that? Do you need to see a lion hanging out with a tire or a really big ball? Those habitats are not as natural as you may think. They look more like a hillbilly’s backyard.

The one thing zoo’s can give you that you can’t get most other places is the smell of animal droppings. In fact, the only interesting thing that happens is when an animal makes “business” in front of everyone.

I ordered some stuff from woot and there is a delay, no biggie, but i figured i would spread my annoance with them a bit.
So, here is my 2 emails to woot, in a post I would like to call…what the hell is wrong with me?

Replace the X’s with words.

Hi

I am contacting you about order XXXXXXXXXX. According to the FedEx website it had an estimated delivery date for the 12th and it didn't show up. So I called FedEx today tracking number (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX) and they said that the label was printed out but the package wasn't picked up. This speaker system for a zune was suppose to be a gift for my friend who being deployed to Iraq or Iran or irun or whatever. Is this going to get here in time? How is he going to listen to music in a fox hole without really loud speakers. Also since you already charged me, and haven't shipped it yet, is there anyway to make it up to me by giving me a gift of some kind? I normally don't ask for stuff like this, but I have had a bad year and my dirty ex-wife has taken so much from me that I feel like maybe you guys could throw me some kind of bone. As always, merry xmas.

Dictated but not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX

I got an automated response to this, by that didn’t stop me from be annoying, so I wrote this back…

Don't cancel my order, I know what it is like to be behind, I am currently behind in many many things in life. As I mentioned in my previous email, I am dieing. Not of any disease, but of old age. My only hope is that one day people will remember me as the guy who ordered speakers from woot and received them. As I don't appreciate being delayed, like a hooker in an airport, there is nothing I can do about it. Thank you for your support in this, my darkest hour.

Dictated by not read,

XXXXX X. XXXXXXXXXXXX

What the hell is wrong with ants? OK, the other day I saw a cracker on the driveway, it was covered with ants. The next day there is the cracker still on the driveway but no ants. What the hell is that? Did they just want to sit on a cracker? That is what they consider a fun night out? Well it beats doing drugs I guess.

What is thanksgiving? A question that people outside of USA have been asking about for thousands of years. Which is silly, because it isn’t that old, but not surprising, as people like to gossip.
Here is the full story as I remember it:

We came to a Plymouth rock dealership, and our first year was very tough, before we started to eat each other, and not in the good way, Indians helped us out. We were so happy that they helped us, we named like 20 sports teams after them and the band Europe wrote a song about them. The song did reasonably well but not as good as other hits on the Final Countdown album.

So every year we eat a turkey, pour 40 ounces of gravy on the curb for our half dressed homies, the Indians.

We also get together with our families and not our Indian amigos. Why? Because they chew with their mouths open.

I don't live in the past. i use too. but back then we called it the present. capire l'amico?

If the question is you think your hot shit don’t you, the apparent incorrect answer is yes, hot and smelly.

At work we were once given the option to re-name the group that we were in. Since I am now the only person in my group, I decided on Lighting Cougars. Tuff, fast and irritable. That is my group to a tee. I am thinking of taking my group to vegas for some moral boost.

If only job ads said the truth:

Do you like sleeping around? 2 hour work days? How about lying and steeling? No, I’m not talking about some kind of dream job in porno murder heaven, I’m talking about the exciting world of real-estate. Or as I like to call it “people who sell land and sleep around.” No education necessary, high heels a plus.

So Halloween last night I decide to watch the darkest scariest movie I could dig up that was appropriate for a 4 year old “The Great pumpkin Charlie brown”
A black story about the darkest hour of some small kid who likes hanging out with pumpkins with his friend’s sister. If they were “of age” this would make some sense.
He ends up wasting time and ruining everything for his friend’s sister. Something else happened with a dog, but I nodded off.

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Bad Fortune cookies

You will find love, and she will be already married

You will have a good luck with your prostrate surgery.

The mob you owe money to will only beat you until you can’t move, not kill you.

You will find a nice hat that looks great on you, but it will be filled with dog crap.

You won’t notice until you put it on.

Your child will be born sideways, and will take 6 days to come out.

You are in for a surprise meeting, with something that you are allergic to.

You will receive a thank you fruit basket contain 10 limes and a raisin (that started off as a grape)

Your significant other will let you know how insignificant you are, by giving you crabs.

My dog was a jerk.
I say “was” because she passed on. Even though there is a movie called “all dogs go to heaven,” my preacher from my old church assured me that there is no animals in heaven. Not even seeing eye dogs. Well at least heaven shouldn’t stink when it rains..

I got off the subject before I even started.

Dogs aren’t fickle eaters by nature. They are known to lick there own butts. So should I be insulted that my dog wouldn’t eat anything I ever cooked? Yes. Yes I should.

After living life for a while, I realize that the game of life isn’t very accurate.

Firstly there is no way you can have so many kids that they don’t even fit in your car and still have a chance of becoming a millionaire.

And if you don’t go to college you automatically get a job? Why are there so many hobos then?

The kid pegs are the same size as the parent pegs.
And you buy a house and never even go to it. I’d like to meet somebody who spends there life driving around in a car. Man they must stink.

Other then that it is a fun game that is dead on!


Just a final note on life, nothing easy is worth doing right, that is why I have failed where so many people have succeeded.

I saw some charity collection bin at my work today. Good for them. I once stole a pair of shoes right off a hobo in the middle or winter. Man they smelled so bad it could barely stand it, but I wore them all day. Why? Let me tell you something, there is nothing better then taking from people who really need it. Really puts things into prospective for that person.

(this has to be the cruelest post ever, if not let me end with this)

That hobo was pregnant.

When your describing a movie to your friends, and they ask you any questions on it just say…”Hey, this isn’t your grandma’s porno.” That should shut them up.

The way I see it:

2 major uses for big metal oil drums.

If you’re like me, and I know at least 1 person is, me. I’m exactly like me. where was i? If you’re like me, you miss mystery science theater 3000. well here is the good news, they are back in 2 different flavors. They do a thing called rifftrax, as seen on
www.rifftrax.com where you can buy their commentary to movies on mp3 or they also do a show called the film crew which seems to be exactly like MST3K without the puppets.

Hurray

Also I would like to shout out to my main man zune for announcing their new line of zunes this week, you can catch them at www.zune.net among other places

Classic HMB moment:

Ok, I'm thinking of a Pink Elton John with a butt on his head.


















Yep, that was it.

I want to be a “That’s bull” guy.
Just when someone tells me something and I get to say “that’s bull” instead I usually look at it from the other persons point of view and try to figure out what my friend did wrong. Here is an example:

My old friend, lets call him sMark Snotty, told me his friend was late to pick up him and his kids to meet some wrestlers that were in town. When the guy showed up he was real late and real high. His kids missed meeting the wrestler and my friend was pretty pissed off, understandably.

Ok, I should of said “that’s bull” want to know what I said? “your late for everything. So how can you get mad at him.”

Wow, was I way off.

Why can’t I be that guy that just goes with the flow? Am I that set in my ways where I am destine to be a grump, saying and doing things that will amuse me for the rest of my life? I have seen the error of my ways. If you see me and tell me something that is obviously your fault, or that I don’t care about, I’m going to try to say “that’s bull”

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well and went to the store, as I was walking in, I saw a lady that looked like my ex-wife. It may of not been her, because I haven’t seen her in years but it looked like her. She had a black eye and a fat lip, and for some reason, I knew it wasn’t her more then likely. That didn't stop me from being happy all day long.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'ed never expect it.
-jack handy

Here is a classic post from last year:


Big surpise, i hate gymkata. I just got off the phone with a local gymnastics center they don't know what Gymkata is so i hung up on them.




notice that he is kicking not one but two ninja. Ha, the total Ninja content of this movie is zero. Did he kick these guys off screen somewhere? i guess we'll never know. I would also like to add that he looks like a douchebag in this picture. i just noticed that the ninja was holding a machine gun. he must be new or something.
Here is from another website on this matter
Most of the movie occurs in the Middle East. So who represents all the Middle Easterns? Americans in turbans, of course!
Part of the obstacle course goes through the town of crazies. It's full of nasty-looking cannibals. I have to give the filmmakers credit, they found some of the ugliest women I have ever seen. But I have no idea why there's a 5-minute slow motion walking scene during this segment.
The best part about the town of crazies is that THERE'S A STONE POMMEL HORSE IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN!!!! What in the world?? How convenient. Of course Thomas does a routine on the horse, kicking bad guys in the process. This is absolutely the worst case of bad guys attacking a good guy one at a time that I've ever seen in a movie. EVER! There's no strategy to his routine. He doesn't even look at the bad guys! He just does his routine and every single moron runs into his kicks. Why? I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I could write separate articles on how bad the acting and dialogue are, but you might fall asleep. This is just the perfect example of a "so bad it's good" movie. I just wish they had hammed it up even more. For example, I can't believe Kurt wasn't forced to say something like, "Parmistan? What's your main export, cheese?" Sadly, that line is actually too intelligent for the script.

I emailed kurtthomas@gymkata.com this message
Hey, WTF were you thinking?
Sincerely XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX

And immediately got the response:
This is an automated response

Dear XXXXXXXX
Thank you for emailing me about Gymkata. You are no doubt angry about almost seeing my balls and for the many many plot holes in my movie, GYMKATA. Why would ninjas live in the Ukraine and need Machineguns? And if you ask me, a crazy town is one without a pummelhorse. Anywho, I should get back to my duties as a fry cook. Thanks again for almost seeing my junk
Kurt

If a bro falls in the woods will you make a sound?

Today like much any other day is my bro’s birthday. I am acknowledging this here instead of getting him a gift. I’m so proud of your ability to stay alive against all odds, what with natural selection and everything. Have a good one bro, if not there is always next year.
I’m just messing with him. How about this: May your tea contain the sweetest leaves. That sounds better.

Now here are my thoughts on camping:
do you think homeless people like camping as much as homeful people?
that is one thing you don't see, homeless campers, and they would look so similar to regular homeless people that you wouldn’t identify him without a magnifying glass.

My wife asked me the best question ever today.

"Is there something on my chest?"

YES BOOBS!!!!!

A coworker has a whiteboard at their desk and ofter writes some clever “team work” type phrase. So I started putting up my own signs that seem like teamwork, but if you break it down it is really more like the man pushing you down.

Hers says “Respect when we respect each other we will communicate with each other”

Mine says “Respect-if you see upper management trying to find a parking spot, give them yours.”

Or “Respect-even if you don’t know the coworker on a personal level don’t push him down or something.”

Here is how much of a geek I am.

In star wars, Ben Owen (the guy who raised Luke) worked on a farm. No disgrace with that, very noble. What kind of farm you may ask? Moisture farm. Hey, we all need moisture, it is the very essence of wetness. Ok, so Ben has a farm, and he harvests moisture. But Ben is struggling. He wouldn’t let Luke (free help) leave because he couldn’t afford to hire other people. Fine.

Here is the issue. Ben lives on a friggn desert. If he really wanted to make some decent money, why would he have a farm on a desert that grows the only thing the deserts are known for not growing? You ever go to a desert and say, boy I wish I could farm all the moisture in this air, I would be a millionaire. No, Ben was the only one who said that, and eventually he was killed, just another tale of a man with a dream, and no matter how stupid it was, he was going to do it. It only cost him his live and his wife’s.

Answer me this, "Am I horrible?"

Before you flood the post with a bunch of yeses, hear me out.

i got a package yesterday, it wasn't mine it was for a guy about 2 blocks away. The package "felt" like a shirt or something, my first thought was just to keep it. My wife saw it and immediately brought it to the guy.

Her first thought was to return it
Mine was "possible free shirt"

Does that make me horrible? Even if it was a shirt that didn't fit I would of just tossed it, never even considering that the guy was sitting home checking the mail everyday, dreaming of his new shirt. The problems he would have had trying to get the company who is more then likely on the brink of sadness, sending out shirts through regular mail with there stupid "our customers expect the mediocre that is us"
He wouldn't get that company to get a shirt or refund, so what does the guy do? His mind starts to wonder, he starts to hear voices "kill all the first borns" "eat the flesh of the living", "one shot one kill", "yo quiero taco bell"
so he grabs is best stabbing knife and starts to wander around the neighborhood, what does he see? some homeless guy wiping his ass with his t-shirt. That is when he snaps and next thing you know he is in jail, the homeless guy writes a book “my toilet paper got me in hospital” makes millions, “goes on lettermen”…latterly pees on David letterman.

So long story short, does this make me a bad person?

wow what a great vacation. i did nothing and i wish i was still doing it.

with 9/11 right around the corner i am reminded of something sad. its my brothers birthday of course. it is on 9/12

I have some time off of work coming up so i am not posting till after labor day, which brings me to my next post...

LABOR DAY, the day we should all not work.

what the hell? sounds like you would work your ass off this day and instead you end up eating a grilled hot dog. so i went to the government site http://www.dol.gov/opa/aboutdol/laborday.htm
to find out why i don't have to work on this day, lots of words and no pictures. i'm not reading all that. let me sum it up, even though i didn't read it. labor day is when the greek god of labor (George Washington) and the Asian god of war (uncle Sam) got drunk and signed a treaty with the Canadians. since then they legally changed the name of back bacon into h.a.m. (heart attack, mild). so everyone and a while, you don't have to work, but someone has to pay for it. Do they have this in Japan? nope on labor day just like every other day they work their asses off. Why? because they need to pay for all the funerals that Godzilla causes. That isn't cheep.

so have a good labor day

I think i will start typing and something funny will come to me. my shirt felt strange today, after complaining about it to some friends they said it was inside out. When i went to change i dropped it in the toliet. Some more good news, i'm stuck at work, i cant just leave. so, wet and embarassed i went back to my desk and think to myself that since this happened my day is pretty much peaked. It's all down hill from here.

For a salaried employee like myself, i notice my boss has never said, "we need you to leave early today."

its been raining for days now, so we should have some really stinky hobos.

There is a warehouse attached to one of the buildings I work in. I need to wear safety shoes in there to protect my toes. I lied of course so I didn’t have to wear these big yellow coverings on my feet that make a big clacking noise. Well eventually someone figured out that I my shoes didn’t have the steel toes so now I have to wear them. And that gave birth to this rant.
Out of everything attached to my body, the toes are most likely the first thing I would loose, so why even bother with those shoes. If I was crushed in a car accident and they gave my wife a small bag with some of my organs in it and 10 perfect toes, she wouldn’t say thank god, at least we can have an open casket. They should make me wear a cup, at least I would feel I’m protecting something that I may use in the near future.

BE A GO GETTER!

Kicking ass and taking names!!!

That is a bit dated. Lets redo it.

Instead of kicking, try licking. Kicking is so cruel. Licking, that sounds personal.

Taking names? What for you work for the government? To take sounds aggressive, lets passive that up. Giving names!

NAMES? Nah, lets go with something more organic, how about freedom love child. No that is just stupid. Nabisco? A bit commercial. Hmmm, how about diseases? That seems to have a nice ring to it, I wonder what it means.

OK so lets hear it! BE A GO GETTER!

Licking ass and Giving diseases!

Perfect.

What time do you think it is in France right now? Look at your watch dumbass that should tell you.

I read a article in nonexistent magazine that stated that earth has a lot in common with some of our other friendly planets in the sky. Well f them. If the other planets want a fight they got one. Were the only one with nude beaches, apple fritters, fat Elvis and cancer. What they got? Carbon based life forms? Nope. Crabs? Probably! Tacos? Nope. Rapist? Most then likely!

I think I will stay where I am at thank you.

what do these 3 guys have in common? pork chops baby!

The Answer:
I sprayed mace in his eyes because he made me feel uncomfortable.


The Question:
I told my coworker that I felt naked today because I forgot my blackberry at home. He told me that he feels naked when he isn’t wearing clothing. He laughed, then he screamed. The question is, why did he scream?

I like the internet. it is full of inspirational words. like these actual comments to someone who posted a recipe on line

YUCK!
gross
no way i would eat this or anyone in my family
that sounds gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That spunds so nasty. This will not be something that I will be trying to make. Yuck!
Not my thing.
disgusting!!
You all should just try it first before saying yuck or gross.
It doesn't look like anyone would eat that!! Gross!!
Wow.Woooow.ewwww.
YUCK!!!!!
sickooooo
SICK! ****BARFING****

so judgmental. this also reminds me of what my date was saying about me back at my first prom. memories make you think, don't they?

Hey, did you try calling me?

I love the expression “I tried calling you this weekend”

What the hell does that mean? Were you stuck under a pillar and couldn’t reach the phone? Did you dial 6 numbers and then hang up?

I think the correct term is “I was going to call you but…” and some sort of reason why you didn’t. I tried calling you this weekend kind of sounds like you are incapable of making a phone call. Anyway, Happy Monday.

Someone asked me, "I slept on my neck last night and now it hurts, what should i do."

Beats me. maybe start sleeping on a bed instead of your neck?

Who wants to be a spiderman season 2 on tonight. if your like me (2 arms and 2 legs) then you should enjoy things that involve fun. some programs i enjoy watching are TV, Movie, the dryer, and Radio. not to get off the point, who wants to be a superhero is on tonight, i know it's kind of corny, but that show just makes me laugh.

I submitted some poetry in a contest. In return i got love and a restraining order.

POISON, BLEEDING HEARTS IN MY BRAIN.
MY HEART ATTACK IS THE CLICHÉ’ OF A BROKEN HEART.
ERRECTIONS ARE MEANING FULLLESS OR ARE THEY?
I WOULD NOT HAVE AN ANSWER IN WHAT MY BRAIN CALLS A MIND IN MY HEAD.
WHAT TIME DOES THE HEART STOP ACHEING?
SOON I WOULD GUESS AND WOULD BE WRONG OR ARE I?
The stain in my mousse houses as I burn and yearn with fire and desire my opinions are like a bad rap with a bad wrap and my digression digresses in digress, I mean dig dress.
Where for art thou? Why should I care, cause I don’t, won’t and shoun’t (pronounced shoun’t)
If every pain in my body feels like hurting then when can the pain in my non body non hurt?
Yeah, you heard me, I said fuck you.

My friend asked me what I want to happen in the near future. I told him that I wanted to eat the world’s largest sandwich and die of a heart attack.

i found a way to get attention at a radio shack. Usually there is a long line and only 1 person helping everyone, and that one person is the only person not in a hurry. So here is what you do to get to the front of the line: Touch everything. i mean put your hand on glass, take stuff off the shelf look at it and set it on another shelf, shake packages and cough loudly. That is what this 4 year old did and his mom got severed right away.

Remember Rockwell? The guy who sung Somebody's Watching Me? Since his 1 hit in 1984, and people not watching him, do you think he still thinks that?

Real never before seen headlines:

Suicide pill linked to death
The Murderer did it
Lunar landing solves parking for spaceship on moon
Local basketball team wins or loses big game
What happened to apple carts?
Local man is happy
Mayor runs for Mayor
Mayor runs from Mayor
Mayor has the runs

They say that if you study history you won’t repeat the mistakes that people had in the past. If that was true, why do you think they keep making people? They are like the biggest fuck ups anyone has ever seen.

Wow, that was a bit dark. Let me end on a light note, you ever notice that you only change light bulbs when they burn out? Yeah? Me too.

Something I wrote and in () what I was thinking when I wrote it.
People love looking at other people with no clothes on. (Hmmm, where do I put the common in that to make it sound right? Never mind I’ll figure it out later.) So when will evolution take it to the next step? When will we start enjoying people without any skin on? (edit: Seems like a crossed a line a bit with that last post. What the heck is wrong with me?)

So I ask you people now? (well person really, if that many actually read this) throw away your skin! (yeah, skinless people, boy I’m on my way to yet another stupid post. They will spend all day holding their guts in. I have to end this on a good joke, because it’s going nowhere.)
Joey Buttafuoco! (Perfect!)

The Greatest thing since sliced bread...

That is a bit dated isn't it?

We sliced bread a long time ago lets move on.

Tips on selling blood

Don’t make the same mistake I made and show up with a bag of blood from multiple donors. They will not give you any money. And you don’t get the bag back. So if you do use a bag you are prepared to loose forever. The police will get envolved as well.
If half of the people who worked at the blood bank’s name start with the word "Count", do not let them near you. They, however, will take that bag I mentioned earlier no questions asked.
Also I think it is a good idea not to get an atm card from a blood bank. They didn’t offer it, but if they did I would say no.

Yesterday something happened that I really shouldn’t mention. In fact I should stop writing this, but I won’t. you in turn should just stop reading this.


Ok, so your going to keep going? Whatever, you have been warned.

I helped a coworker yesterday. He and I were both drinking pepsi. In the middle of me working with him he took a drink of my pepsi. No big deal, although he made a big deal about it.

OK, later I went up to him to kind of give him a hard time (we are kind of friends). And he was making a big deal about the pepsi thing. I told him that when I got done with my soda I was a little bit thirsty. Like 1 drink away from not being thirsty. I was, of course, kidding. So he said I can buy me a new one and then I said:

(Here is the part you shouldn’t read. I can’t believe I said it)

Don’t worry, I plan on throwing it all up, adding a little water to it and trying again.

I can’t believe myself sometimes, but that shut him up.

As a person who knows some computer jargon, I realized today that it would sound silly to outside ears. Here are some things I have over heard in my day, and my snappy answer to them if taken out of context.

Go on your computer – a euphemism for using the restroom
Does your mouse have a third button – nope just one, and his button is leaving the seat up after going on your computer
Spell check - C H E C K
My computer just crashed – must have been tired
Reboot – I just debooted, I’m not putting my boots back on.
Blue tooth – no I brush my teeth
Did you send me that email? No the computer sent you the email, I might of typed it
I’ll just blow the data out of my port – that is hot!
Press any key to continue – so many choices, I think I’ll pick the f, u, c, k, o, f, f, buttons
Are you on the net? – nope, just sitting in a chair.
Double click on an icon – my icon is Spiderman
Is Spiderman on the web? - Hello? He is Spiderman of course he is.
Do you know your password? - yes it is ******** or at least that is what it looks like when I type it.
Do you Yahoo? Google? Excite? – are you retarded?
Do you use Outlook? - no but I can predict your outlook, it's pain.
Drop a file into the trash – yet another euphemism for using the restroom

You can see I’m running out of ideas, so I’m just going to end this.

Has anyone ever seen an old cartoon with tom and jerry, I think. It is where they are farmers and there is this crow that keeps eating their corn. They try to stop him, fail and then the crow sits somewhere, eats corn and mocks them. That crow has my dream job. Sitting up high, eating corn and mocking animals. Do I need a degree for that?

I am a visual person. I need to see things or I may run into them.

The title of this little ditty is “WHORE SOLVED!!!!”

I run reports where I work on Mondays. I created and ran a new one today and emailed it to the respected user. I get an email back saying that I should take a look at the report, it is a bit insulting. I looked, sure enough under the first name (a female) it said Whoresolved. The name was pulled from a database. It may or may not have been known when they named it that but it sure is funny. I explained it to her and she had a good laugh, thank goodness.


The field name means Who Resolved.

When a company hires a manager that tires to make things more efficient and talks constantly about efficiency and how efficient he is, but then turns out he lives an hour and 15 mins away from work, would you start to question him? Spending 12 and a half hours driving back and forth a week makes them loose credibility on efficiency, wouldn't you think? The people at my job do.

as most people know i own a zune. i have to tell you it rocks. i really like it. i have had mp3 players for a long time but nothing like this. Zunes are a bit pricey, if it wasn't for my tax returns I wouldn't own one. but i found this cool zune theme for windows xp i thought i would share with you, the only person who reads this...

http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkID=75078

I think its pretty cool looking

Today I had an intersting conversation. A friend of mine from work and I went out for some air. Smokers get “smoke breaks” and we get air. Seems like a good deal, anyway he said he went to a retreat to talk to kids in his friends church about pre-marital sex. If it was me, this is what I would have told them:
They would be crazy not too. It feels pretty good. In fact I would make them pair off right now and just go ahead with it. No point sitting around listening to me talk about it, it think it would be best to just go and enjoy themselves. I don’t like lying to teenagers.

My friend did laugh at this, but I am pretty sure if I was there and said that, they would not ask me back

Here is my second fan interview for my 1 year anniversary.

Firstly thank you for visiting HMB. Can you tell us about yourself (mainly credit card info or your own website(s) and interests)?

I am the DRofGOREOLOGY. I watch Horror films, Collect Horror Films, and attend Horror Conventions in the Chicago area. Like Flashback Weekend coming up in July....BIG Nightmare on Elm Street Reunion going on there.

What would you say is your favorite post over the year?

I like all of them. It makes me wonder what kind of metal device you have to wear on your head to pick up all them strange "thought waves".

Wow that was a good one. What would you say the HMB pushes the limit too far or not far enough?

Not far enough...I'm sure you could reach that unreachable plateau of strangeness if you try hard enough.

Some critics say I’m not tuff on crime, what other things are tuff?

Blood stains, grease stains, and mildew buildup. But that's why OxyClean was made....at least for the blood and grease stains. I haven't tried it on Mildew yet.

Were you there for the fall of the Great Wall (that is the Chinese restaurant in town where a lady fell down)?

If I was we wouldn't be having this interview as I would have been squashed by the big chunks of concrete.

I once saw a movie where a guy said he ate lighting and went to the bathroom thunder. How many calories is that?

Good question. I would have to say ask Richard Simmons.

That you for your time doc, keep on reading and I’ll keep annoying.

On the subject of magic:

I looked up magic tricks on the web (the worst possible place to look for anything besides trouble) Here are some instructions for a trick:
Borrow a quarter from someone, bite a piece off and hold it on your tongue.... then blow it back onto the quarter and the quarter is whole again. You can hand it out for examination.

Borrow a quarter? yes, magicians are usually broke.
bite a piece off and hold it on your tongue? eating disorders?
then blow it? what the hell?

that is what Harry Potter has to look forward to if he ever graduates from creepy school. a prostitute hobo that has an eating disorder.

(I really looked for a picture of a hairy guy holding some pottery. That would have been a funny ending to this one. So I ask you to look at someone that is abnormally hairy today and think of this post)

I call this post, "Vague somethings", but it could be called "I know what you did last summer and you may go blind if you do it next summer"
Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I wasn't doing what I am doing now. I suppose I would be doing something else. But what if I didn't? What if instead of doing something else or doing what I am doing now I would be doing something different then the last 2 things I listed. So let’s take a look at the list:

What I’m doing now
Something else
Something besides these 2 things

There may be other things that I haven't listed. I just couldn't think of anything.

Secondly, what is the difference between hungry and starving? I’ll bet starving people will eat hungry people in a pinch, but maybe not the other way around.