My blog started out with a single dream; build a self rising cake that was both low in fat but also high in poison. After the Canadian Counsel for Eating (the CCforE) banned my simple recipe of arsenic and cup cakes, I revamped it into a blog about the annoyances of life. With the anniversary of humansminusbrains.blogspot.com coming up, I thought I would do some quick interviews with some of the original audience.

Firstly thank you for visiting HMB. Can you tell us about yourself (mainly credit card info or your own website(s) and interests)?

Same as your info... and who the hell is the "us" guy?


What would you say is your favorite post over the year?

All the ones you plagarized from me.

Wow that was a good one. What would you say the HMB pushes the limit too far or not far enough?

Not far enough, your examples should be like Southpark and Drawn Together. Push the envelope, society needs it

Some critics say I’m not tuff on crime, what other things are tuff?

Ummm, your the most judgmental person I know... how tough do you need to get lol.

Were you there for the fall of the Great Wall (that is the Chinese restaurant in town where a lady fell down)?

Yes, she blamed the seafood.

I once saw a movie where a guy said he ate lighting and went to the bathroom thunder. How many calories is that?

5

That you for your time, keep on reading and I’ll keep annoying.

I remember vividly one of my sexual fantasies when I was growing up was to get a partner.

I don't particularly care for poems. In fact, i don't care for them. In my non caring for them (Poems) i have enveloped a care for not them.

So i wrote a poem, its about a small farmer that gets lost in a wilderness. on his travels he finds and befriends a gorilla. and that gorilla grants him 3 wishes which he squanders. i have to explain this because there is a lot of Symbolism in the poem and without this prefix you won't get it. just like all poems. Here is the poem:

Word
Yo
Wack
Government

So the first line represents the struggles the farmer has with his 2 sons before he gets lost, the second line represents his “street smarts” that eventually costs him his life. Eh, the 3rd could represent lots of things, from him not being right, to just masturbating. And finally the last line represents that gorilla stuff.

I’d like to call this post “the Fanta Menace” but I think I’ll call it drink minus hoochie equals good drink.

Any remember those fanta commercials from a year or so back? Insanity inappropriate, no sale for you! Ok flash forward a couple of years, I’m in a Mexican restaurant and I wasn’t in the mood for soda, so I asked for a fanta. Well it’s pretty damn good. Moral to the story? Yeah whores need to sell things, but that doesn’t mean that just because you buy their drink means that you are supporting hot pants and tube tops. it also means you are buying a drink and that drink is 90 percent sugar and 10 percent orange. Taste and diabetes is a super great combination.

I asked the high school intern to water my plants for the 2 weeks I would be gone. This is not in his job description; I asked it as a personal favor to me. I’m not sure what his job description is, but I’m sure it has something to do with surfing the internet and mumbling. (I can’t understand a word he says and he is always looking up something on the internet.)

I get back from my training and my plants seemed wilted and thirsty. I asked him why he didn’t water them. He told me it was because they looked wilted to begin with, so why water them. I asked him what did his grandpa look like? Was he wilted? Maybe we should stop giving him water?

Would you get flowers for a plant funeral? Or would that make it worse?

If you ever get your ass handed to you on a silver platter, when returning the platter wash it off.

The sun and the moon. Quite often the 2 have been in comparison, like yin and yang. This should be and more then likely is insulting to the sun.

The Sun's diameter is 864,938 miles about 1,300,000 Earths could fit inside the Sun. It produces heat and gives this planet life. We bask in its glory.

The moon is a dried up rock. It also can raise the water level a bit. the moon is so lame people had to make up stuff about it, like that it is cheese, or that there was a man in the moon, and he was eating cheese. there is no man up there, and if there were he would starve to death, because guess what? no cheese either.


Produces life to raising water? What kind of comparison is that?

Its like the sun has some kind of middle child syndrome where it is constantly being compared to its retarded cousin.

Hey ma, I give life to this solar system.

That’s nice dear, no congratulate moony for getting creamed by another meteor.

Too many times I have been burnt by a deal that seemed to be to good to be true, but here is one that can’t miss. If you eat an apple every hour on the hour you are guaranteed to eat 24 apples a day, plus you may be a bit ornery because of having to get up every hour to eat an apple.

This week I was interviewed by a reported for The New York post. Here is an exert from that.

Reporter: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, where is the restroom, I’m only kidding. Hi my name is XXXXXXX (note that my name is not XXXXXXX this is my way of blubing it out.)
Reporter: Can I help you?
Me: I am here from humansminusbrains.blogspot.com.
Reporter: Oh yes, come in mr. XXXXXX. Please have a seat. Now you claim to have a vast following and your blog gets over a million hits a week, but your counter on your page is only a couple of thousand. How do you explain that?
Me: I don’t count that counter. I am pretty sure that it is inaccurate, else it rolls over a lot.
Reporter: How many people do you have on staff?
Me: well there is me of course, I am thinking of a co-writer, but that may just be me with a pen name. The people at UPS said that they are working for me, at least to get my packages out on time. Which I don’t have any packages and don’t plan on sending any out.
Reporter: I see, and what about the claims that your blog is stupid?
Me: I have heard that. And I have helped both spread and deny that claim.
Reporter: fair enough. Anything you want to say to your adoring fans?
Me: I would first like to thank both of them for…oh oh
Reporter: I KNEW IT. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!
Me: I believe I was promised free ice cream and I’m not leaving without it.
Reporter: I didn’t say anything like that.
Me: I didn’t say it was you. It was me, I said it. And I always keep a promise to myself.

Well of course the police were involved with my removal and now I have another place I’m no longer welcome.

Oldsmobile


What the heck kind of name for a car company is that? I think I am going to start a radical new car company called Youngsmobile. Why radical? Because everything I do is nonsensical. Anyway, everything about my line of cars have the Young feature auto loaded. Like only baby car seats throughout. Can’t get much younger then that. Or how about Styx playing when you blow the horn? (Yes, a Dennis DeYoung joke). No breaks, so you can live and die young. And finally, all baby calf interior, not the seats, real baby calves roaming around in the back. Young = impractical, and with a price of 10 zillion dollars my car will reek of it.

I don't have anything against anyone. well almost anyone. people do bug me a lot. so everyone but people.

So how has everyone been. I had been thinking about advertising lately. yes, how do i annoy more people? how much would it cost to rent a plane and do some skywriting?

anyway:

Did you know that the website http://www.bjoutdoors.com/ more then likely disappoints hundreds of web surfers a day.

my niece said something pretty funny today. My dad was telling me that my sister was writing an essay for school. i asked what was the essay going to be on. she said, "paper, essays are done on paper."

I’m going on vacation for a week so I’m not sure if I’ll post anything. Or will I? yeah, with a cliffhanger like that why wouldn’t you check back?

Summer is coming, and if you’re a beach go’er, that means only 1 thing: A sea of back hair.

What is with movies about animals playing sports? It’s always a monkey or a donkey, but never a turkey. A good one would be a water ballet team that dress up a shark like a women, the shark goes crazy, the star’s father falls in love with it, and you’re halfway to a good story. This thing writes itself.
How about 2 guys in a horse costume in a horse race movie? Or 2 horses in a human body running a marathon?

I was going through my millions of emails that i get on a daily basis.
One reads:
Dear subscriber, thank you for your interest in candy dog doo magazine. At this time we do not give out free samples of candy dog doo, and if we did, why would you want to eat it?
Thank you for your interest.
John Holmes

You can use John Holmes in replaces of any name and it's good for a laugh. Here is a mad lib I just did.
One day Mary and John Holmes went to the John Holmes. When she got there she said oh my John Holmes! Your John Holmes is almost as big as John Holmes.

Note that the last John Holmes was actually part of the mad lib.

Ok, so here is my question, who the hell is John Holmes?

Moving on.

A Note on "Gesundheit"Most people think "Gesundheit" is synonymous with "God Bless You". The confusion over the real meaning of the word Gesundheit, which means simply "health," probably dates back to the time of the Bubonic Plague, where sneezing was a symptom of the disease. Sneezing was supposedly the person's soul making a break for it! It was believed that sickness arose due to the lack of a soul. And so "soullessness" and ill-health became synonymous during the middle ages.

One of my bigger influences has past away recently, Kurt Vonnegut. He once said "I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,"
I couldn’t agree more.

My wife told me I’m not social
I said yes I was starting right now, I’m gonna talk to every asshole I see and pretend that I’m interested in the crap that spews out of their retard holes. F that!
My wife then asked, So your done being social then?
Yes, at least I gave it a try.

Is there life on mars?
That is quite a stupid question. If there was who cares? The best thing Martians could do for themselves is avoid earth. All earth has to offer for them is some dumb sitcoms and fattening food. And I’m sure if there was a way to communicate with Martians, we would probability end up eating them, or buying there land from them and then renting it back to them. Or asking them stupid questions like about crop circles.
Hillbilly: you do dem crop circles?
Martian: no, that wasn’t us
Hillbilly: who was it?
Martian: how should I know?
Hillbilly: you gonna probe me now?
Martian: Ugg, I think I am going to pass. I am not even in the mood right now.

wisconsin quarter has a picture of my exwife (Pictured, left) doing what she does best (when she isn't nagging someone to death) and that is eating! Gratz! you did it! it says forward, which is the direction you should run if you ever got caught up into a favor for her.

I've been sick lately, not in the head, well maybe, but i also had a cold. I did make it into work today, so I thought it was only fair to midland that would post something. fair to midland. that is my friends answer to "how are you"

so today I asked, how are you? he responded fair to midland, then said we were past hump day and onto the weekend, before he could finish, I interrupted and said, "in a couple of days it starts all over” that knocked the wind out of his sails.

If someone you barely know knows your name, that means he talks about you with his friends. my wife told me that

More zune news

One of my co workers (will rename nameless, I do know his name. I get a lot of emails, in the billions, stating that I’m stuck-up and don’t know my coworkers names. And the ones that I do know I just make fun of, or play tricks on, or wait outside work with a ski mask and a crow bar, and then hit them, hurting there chances to get into the Olympics after they qualify. I don’t do that. But I may be stuck up. Now that I think about F you very much for your emails. And further more what the hell is up with these new crazy trends? Wow that was a bit vague. Ok back to what I was talking about) has gotten a zune. He annoys me. He is just a kid (still in high school actually) He told me that he wanted a job where he wanted a briefcase and that travels. They only job he could think of was air traffic controller. This job doesn’t require a briefcase nor any traveling. I would also like to note that he wants a job that requires a briefcase so he can put coffee in it.
Anyway after telling him that I knew nothing about being an air traffic controller, and keep in my mind my job has nothing to do with it at all, he asked me a follow up question: “what time does an air traffic controller have to get up?” GAAAAAAHHHHH He drives me spare.

Maybe this is why I am so annoyed most of the time?

I got a nice complement from a first time reader the other: "Hey your blog isn’t as bad as I thought it was and it barely made me chuck."
Kind of made me blush, I’m not use to complements.

Why the game Monopoly is bull and I hate you.

Ok I hate monopoly. No big deal you think, this guy hates everything. Sometimes I even hate air.
Everyone is like, “hey what’s up with him?”
“Oh didn’t you know? He breathed and it set him off.”

But I digress. Here is my problem with monopoly:
At the most, I played it with 4 people, you can do more, but I never did. The first part of the game is great, you run around buying stuff. But eventually you can’t buy anything anymore. So you build houses and hotels, if you can. So now you have people running around owning houses and hotels, but staying at other people’s houses or hotels.

Let me tell you something, if you own a house or a hotel, you’re not going to spend the night in another one right down the road, especially when its 1500 dollars a night and your hurting for money. Your gonna spend the night in your house or hotel for free.

And what kind of city only has 4 people in it? No wonder it cost 2000 for a night. To stay

I saw a soda named MOUNTAIN FURY, looked like some kind of a knock off of mountain dew. both these soda names kind of make me chuckle, because in the end, the only extreme you get from drinking soda is in your ass. They only mountain people will see is you.

I took some time off because my grandmother passed away. she was a great person and an inspiration to me. I'm not ready to be silly again. maybe a few more days.

I was thinking back on house party with kid and play. Do you think kid ever had kids? Or that play ever wrote that play? I would like to think they are both in heaven right now, rocking god’s house while he is out of town, but then again, they may not be dead. Do you think they have trouble renting houses? I'm not renting to you, you'll just have a party, Mr. Kid OH man I just thought of another question, is kids first name Billy? Is plays last name withhimself? I kid and I play with the two of them, but would never tell them, for fear of them throwing a party at my house when I’m not home.

I watched the wickerman this weekend, not as good as the song from Maiden

My zune review,

this is my first full portable media player outside of a mambo nano I had for about a week, then returned.. I have had mp3 players for several years but not a full media player until now. I looked around for quite some time before I committed. Here are my thoughts on it.

Why not an ipod? Well I got to tell you, it was never in the running. I didn’t like the screen size and audio quality. The 2 things I was looking for in a media player.
I looked at a the zen M and it was really more of the same, lots of supported formats in it and an improved audio quality but still didn’t care for the screen size. The zen W would have been a good choice, but it was 50 bucks more then the others.

Overall, I’m pretty happy with it. 3 inch screen and overall great sound quality.
Musically I have been listening to music a lot more since I got it and the sound quality is superb. I did have to get different ear buds, my ears must be shaped differently, not bad, probably better then regular ears, since then no complaints,
Video wise, I got a software from cucusoft that lets me convert dvd’s to zune and I have a cable hooked up to my pc so I can transfer tv directly to zune (again using cucusoft to format it). So I got plenty of media. Without the cucusoft (which I am kuku for) I would be dead in the water.
Great quality for dvds and above average quality for tv shows that were converted.
The other features like fm tuner not that big of a deal to me, the wireless aspect isn’t really appealing to me either. I only have 1 person I know with a zune and I hate the music he listens to, so not interested in sharing music with him.

I have it 10 thumbs up out of 10 if I had 10 thumbs (my shop teacher said I did)

My wife's parents celebrated their 25 wedding adversary. I got to give it to them, that is a long time. My parents stop celebrating it a while ago. Can't think of the exact date but it sticks out in my mind. man this is gonna bug me. hmmm
oh i remember, it was that same year that they got divorced.

Free coffie today. i am on my 6th cup. i usually only drink about a cup a day. i am at the stage where i can here people change their minds before they actually do.

word origin

club sandwich first came from a man who ate a baseball bat with bread.

Ok, here is a real one, since this blog is weird, we'll do the word weird

Dave Wilton, Saturday, February 17, 2007
Weird is an example of a word whose most common modern meaning is quite different from its original English meaning. The word, originally a noun, dates back to Old English, where it meant fate or destiny. By the Middle English period, it was being used to refer the three Fates of Greek and Roman myth, and in Scotland this sense evolved into that of a witch. This Scottish use was Shakespeare’s inspiration for the three weird sisters in Macbeth. The modern adjective, however, does not appear until the 19th century, undoubtedly modeled on Shakespeare’s use.
Weird is found in Beowulf (spelled wyrd) as a noun meaning fate or destiny:
Gæð a wyrd swa hio scel.(Fate goes ever as fate must.)
and
Hie wyrd forsweop on Grendles gryre.(Fate sweeps them away into Grendel’s clutches.
Also, quite early on it was used to mean someone who controlled another’s fate, either a personification of fate, like the three Moirae and Parcae (Fates) in Greek and Roman myth, or a magical being such as a witch. Hessels’ Corpus Glossary of Old English glosses wyrde as Parcae from sometime before the year 725. And Chaucer has this from his c.1385 The Legend of Good Women:
The werdys that we clepyn destene Hath shapyn hire that she mot nedis be Pyetous sad.(The weirds that we call destiny have determined that she must necessarily be piously solemn.)
The use of weird as a synonym for witch was quite common in Scotland. From Peter Heylin’s Microcosmus of 1625:
These two...were mette by three Fairies, or Witches (Weirds the Scots call them).
The use of weird as an adjective dates to around 1400 and is found in the manuscript (Scottish) Trojan War:
Vþeris said sche was, I trow, A werde-sister, I wait neuir how.
The phrase weird sister is found in several manuscripts leading up to its most famous appearance in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Until its appearance in the Scottish Play, the adjectival use was restricted to the phrase weird sister. Only after Shakespeare used the term, did its use expand to other contexts.
The modern adjectival sense, meaning strange or uncanny, dates only to the early nineteenth century. Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary only records it as an adjective, “no longer in use,” meaning skilled in witchcraft. Shelley uses the word several times. From his 1817 The Revolt of Islam, used in the sense of something supernatural:
Some said, I was a fiend from my weird cave, Who had stolen human shape.
And from is 1815 Alastor, used in the sense of something odd or strange:
Mutable As shapes in the weird clouds.
(Sources: Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd Edition; Beowulf, tr. Seamus Heaney)

Math problems

The difference between adults and children concerning snow
child:
snow means no school, snowmen and sledding

adult
snow means car accidents, shoveling and snowballs to the groin from kids.

I hit a new low yesterday.

Well, let me refresh that. I went to the new Lowes yesterday. Wonderful store full of lots of things. The people who worked there were so full of life that I have dubbed them Lowe lives.

I was once told that I was making a person look bad. This wasn’t true, he made himself look bad and I just brought light of it to everyone.
He is one of those guys who milk every assignment and take forever. Does anyone have a guy at work where if you have to wait on him to do something you know its going to be 10 times longer then it should take? That is him in a nut shell. Full of excuses, full of blames, full of hot air. If he wants something to make him look bad, how about a mirror.
I hates him.

OK, if you read the last post, then you might of asked yourself about http://www.catchthings.com/ like I did.

I went there and sure enough, it was a picture of my ex-wife and the diseases you would catch if you slept with her.

Here is a stretch for a website:

http://www.throwthings.com/

its about things you can throw.

you can buy this mug



and then have someone throw it at you, for going to that website and buying that mug.

as a side note maybe it should say somewhere on the mug; "do not throw or it will break"

sometimes i park in handicap spaces
while handicap people make handicap faces

I got a zune yesterday.

This weekend I bought the movie league of extraordinary gentlemen. I wonder how many nano seconds the porno industry took before it made a movie called league of extraordinary genitals?

Well, I would have to say that today I don’t have anything interesting to say. Total blank. Is this the beginning of the end? Most experts that I asked, asked me to leave their office. And I did, with almost no police escorts. This gets me thinking, what if I can’t think of anything funny ever? Would that be so bad? Nah, I would be less annoying. More people would stop asking, what is wrong with him and instead ask, why is that guy so normal. Yeah, I’m ok with this.

I sometimes think that if Roger Moore and Brian Cox had a detective agency what would they call it? Roger and Brian’s detective agency. What did you think they would call it? Oh, hey. I just got it.

Wow, not a single person in my family called to wish my son happy birthday. Funny enough some of them this is like the 3rd time in 4 years that they did it.

If a tree fell on a mime in the woods, and nobody was around to be amused by it, would it still be funny?

Happy Birthday to my Son. He is 3 things today; Great, 4 years old, and not feeling well.

Taken from http://www.churchhopping.com/

Ten Verses Never Preached On

10. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Comments: George Costanza envokes the wrath of God.

9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Comments: Possibly the first streaker in history.


8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Comments: We can’t just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

Comments: Not only do you have to carry the body out, but you have to mop the floor too.



6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

Comments: How do you present a gift like that? Do you tie a bow on the box?

5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB

Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

Comments: I imagine the son was screaming in pain and Moses just kinda stared at it in disgust.

4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?



3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

Comments: Apparently the sword pierced all the way through and something unexpected came out the other side. The author felt this was a necessary detail to include.

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

OLD RELIABLE

my bro, you better believe if he says he is coming over or calling it aint gonna happen. you can take that to the bank.

Frequently asked questions about mail order brides:
If you are not going to next day air your mail order bride, she might starve to death in the box. Also do you use packing peanuts or bubble wrap? i would think the peanuts but i have no idea.
If you pick one out of a catalog and it is out of stock, what would happen? Wait for restock? That could take 18 years.
I went to the ups website and did a search for “mail order brides” I found this tidbit:
do you think the people in china have a special ups department that packages up just brides?
If it is damaged in box do not remove from package or bring package to the hospital or police. Wait for ups reprehensive to assess the damage (a rep will be there between 1 to 2 weeks)

The guy who likes apples was near my desk getting an apple out of the fridge today. I took this time to ask him, “if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, whom would eating a pig scrotum a day keep away?

He just looked at me blankly

“EVERYONE. Now enjoy your apple.”

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

There is a guy at my work who eats an apple a day. He told me it was to keep the doctor away. I hope he doesn’t get into a car accident. He would be screwed. Also, is it apples in any form? Like a bowl of applesauce or a glass or Snapple with Jack Daniels. Would that keep the doctor away? And why don’t people want doctors around. Seems like a handy thing to me.
“Hey doc, wanna pull out this appendix?
“Well I am here, why the hell not!”
Does that ever happen I wonder?
As a side note
I would like to apologize for my post about smelly hippies. I was mad at someone else, and I transposed that anger onto them. Don’t get me wrong, the smell still makes me want to chuck.

I don't want to "harsh" anyone's "mellow" but hippies just get on my nerves. Here is a message for them:
Being "all natural" is another word for stinking. It's called soap and you use it as a common politeness.
telling everyone to relax all the time makes people on edge.
if your the only person high, your jokes are not only not funny but to anyone else, but you sound like a moron.
why can't we all just get along? Because nobody likes you.
wearing the same cloths all the time, the only people who can get away with that are cartoon characters. When you do it you stink.

wow, that was mean. Luckily I never met a hippy I couldn't beat down.

Wow, 1000 apologies to my 2 readers. So that is a total of 2000 apologies. End of year is a bit busy for me, what with the holidays and me trying to sleep in and play video games.

With that out of the way, here is my first post of 2007.

It is for younger couples, and I would like to call it the perfect relationship.

millions of people a day ask me, "Jerkbag, can you get the hell out of my way?"

Nothing to do with the post, but true none the less.

ladies, guys are not complicated people. If you think that the kind gestures are anything more then something to put you in the mood then you are incorrect.

In the beginning of relationships, guys want to hit that. Once they do, it means that the beginning gentlemen like stuff is pretty much over with, and it's all laying on the couch and grunting.

Lastly, don't do drugs. They are the poor persons TIVO.

Small victories

Like when you are at a movie theater and they guy behind you keeps saying "I can't see! I can't see"
you give him a warning, he doesn't shut up. You give him another, he still continues.

So you turn around a beat the crap out of him.




Later you find out he is blind.

Do you think it is insulting if you refer to a short person as "down to earth?" I do, and its funny.

I wrote this and showed my boss. He cleaned it up for me.

I fancy myself as a cartoonist.

I made up a new word. Absosmoothly. It is like absolutely only cooler. Well screw you. I thought it was cool.

I would like to thank my sister for this one.

20 dollar limit secret Santa gift:

Go eat 20 dollars worth of food and give the recipient the crap that it would produce.

Thank you for your entry, you need serious help but it was still funny on many levels.

Took a bit of a break everyone. Good to be back. How’s the thanksgiving? Let me guess, seen some relatives and ate turkey? No, I’m not psychic. So I saw a television show the other day about the problems with the mice population, the solution that they didn’t even look at is: why don’t we eat them? They breed faster then a drunken Irish on st. Patrick’s day. There has got to be a way to cook them up and eat them. So go do that. Me personally, I am going to stick to regular food, you sick twisted weirdo. Eating mice? What is wrong with you?

My sister is looking for a job, I told her to do anything to get her foot in the door, and after a month, they’ll let the rest of you in.

Today I told a coworker that at McDonalds, the drive through is now open 24 hours, but only the drive through.
He asked me, “What is the point of opening only the drive through? how can they make food if the kitchen is closed?”
I told them they only sell drinks.

The state I live in is run by 80 year olds and rednecks. Any time this loser state gets a chance to poke peoples nose into peoples personal lives the jump in their Trucks, or Lincolns and drive on down to the vote booths.
Keeping all that in mind, here is my grievance: last night my state became another “close minded” state to outlaw same sex marriages. “Why should I care?” You may ask yourself?
You’d be right; it’s none of our business. To bad people have to suffer to become political fodder and avoid real issues, if there are any.
I don’t vote, never have. Left work early a couple of times to vote, but just went home and watched TV. Yesterday I went and voted, first time. Just checked the one box and went home.
So I would like to apologize for my backward ass sticking our nose in other people’s business dumb-ass state. I am truly sorry.
Gays can die for our country but not get married? They have the right to be miserable just like everyone else.

Firstly I would like to apologize to my 1 reader. If you are reading this, then it’s you, if you are not reading, hmm that is a stumper I guess. How the heck do you even know that I’m writing this? I got it! If you AREN’T reading this then F you!
Now that I have offended everyone besides you, away we go…
I haven’t been to the movies in ages. I wonder if the seats are still sticky. It’s hard to go to the movies when you have a baby. My best memories are going to the movies with my dad. Seemed like a good idea at first, free movie, the guy likes popcorn. Good deal? No. Not at all. He slept, and when he sleeps he snores. It sounds like when the 3 stooges snored, only for real, and 10 times louder. Everyone around us moved or complained or whatever. He wasn’t getting up that is for sure, I nudged that guy like 10 times. One time the actors in the movie stopped and just looked at me. Did wonders for my self esteem at 14. Now that I’m older, if anyone makes any kind of noise when a movie is going on, I just start crying. Yep, nothing but good memories.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, that is why most people are surrounded by jerks.

At my job, which I love! Do I? not really. Anyway. This post is about priorities. My last boss was a paramedic on his spare time, and he never was able to put things into prospective. He would have people dieing in his arms one night and the next day totally freak out over a non standard mouse. I think it was because he was so separated from one job, that he had to be extra passionate with his other job.
He was a hoot, he would call me and tell me that someone was not working but that it was the users own fault. He would always be in a big tizzy. “let them sit for the day, then call them” is what he would tell me. I would say “nah, lets get them working” He would say “your right.” And then leave me alone.

Before I was the early person, the guy before me purposely made him mad so he would exploded on everyone as they walked into the door. Hey! What is going on with that printer? What is the deal with that computer that has been sitting at your desk for a month?
The printer is in the garbage, the computer is what I have been using to do my work.
Oh. Roar!.
Later I would find out that a drunk driver died in some accident the night before.
Gosh I miss that boss.. He is more then likely yelling at people in heaven right now, which is funny because as far as I know he is still alive somewhere.

I remember when I was in a band we were moving some equipment after a show. The drummer dropped his whole kit down a flight of stairs. This was possibly the best drum solo that he ever did. It reminds me of something I once read “Most people are like slinkys. They don’t do much of anything but are humorous if pushed down the stairs.”

Wow it is tuff to come up with material. Now I know how a construction worker feels. But maybe I don’t. I found this picture that inspires me when I’m down.



Words of wisdom. Notice Alone and Tears are bigger then the rest. I guess because nobody wants to see you cry. Tears a so salty sometimes, like potato chips, but not as messy.

I have a myspace account. Don’t get excited. It’s not that big of a deal. On my home page, the one I see, not the one you see. It has an advertisement that says “out fart the gorilla and win a free ring tone” now try to stay clear of humor like this because I want to be known for being smart and witty and hopefully annoying, but a free ring tone is a free ring tone. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it. I don’t even think I have a cell phone and if I did I don’t think I would want the grand prize from that website as a ring tone.

Vampires, the monsters with a billion rules

Man did they get the shaft.

I’ll admit that they do get some benefits like living forever and um, I guess that is it. But they have more rules then a sick kid with an overprotected hypochondriac mom. No sunlight, can’t eat food, no cross, no garlic, no holy water, can’t enter houses unless asked, can only eat blood, can turn into a bat (why?) no silver, no stake through the heart (this one goes for me too), no reflections, can’t cross a line of salt, can’t cross a line of roses, can’t cross running water. What the hell. Why would you be afraid of these guys?

When people take monsters like say the cookie monster is left to roam the earth. Since he is not bound by any rules, he can just come up to you and start stabbing you. What would it take to kill him? I guess you could just remove him from his host hand (he is a hand puppet) and that would do it. Well that isn’t scary either.


My wife must have been tired last night; she stayed up all night and told me that she was the opposite of a reverse vampire. What?

Sorry, about the late post. I was on the phone.

Here is my observation today

The voice from robin on the justice league cartoon back in the 70’s has the same voice as shaggy, and they both have the same voice as all the bad guys that were up against the justice league. That must have caused some confusion when trying to phone in threats.

Bad guy on phone: If you don’t give me 10 dollars* I’m gonna destroy a Eiffel tower.
Wonder woman: hang on one sec. Batman, phone.
Batman: who is it?
WW: its robin calling in again.
Batman: Huh? If he is calling in, who is getting the batmoble detailed?
WW: (back on the phone) can you pick up some dingdongs on your way in? (click)
Bad guy on phone: Hello? Hello?



*I would assume that 10 dollars is a lot back in the 70’s. it was to me but I was just a kid.

I love word origins. The root of the term "mad hatter" is drawn from a time when mercury was used in the process of curing felt used in some hats. Over time the residual mercury would cause neurological damage (not the only damage caused by mercury toxicity of course). Given that anyone exhibiting an altered mental state was dubbed mad at the time, the cause of such malady, and subsequent death of such people doubtless went unexplained for a long time. Nice hat jerk bag!

Getting screwed. It sounds fun doesn’t it? Not if you’re a piece of wood. This isn’t what I’m talking about today. I remember back when I had to go to the hospital. Hurt my hand. I went to the emergency room. With no insurance, it cost 400 bucks for some gauze. This is why the gowns they give you at the hospital are opened in the back. I’m surprised they don’t ram the bill up there. What the hell.

So I heard once that the relatives of Hitler changed there name and don’t want any association with the name. that is pretty normal for kids to be ashamed of their parents, right? Can you imagine that Hitler picking up his kids early from some party?
“Dad! What are you doing here?”
“Was die Hölle Sie ist, der auf einem Fest Sie basterd macht” he would scream, from his hitlermobile.

I go on smoke breaks. Not a lot just every now and then to talk to some of my friends that have moved out of my area. The way its set up at my work is they have a little shanty that people smoke in. it can get pretty smokey at times. I don’t smoke. It’s strange that I am I go out for those breaks and stand in a smokey shanty. But why should smokers get fresh air and not me. Anyway, I’m in the shanty struggling to breathe. Someone said something about a nicotine fit and having problems getting out to the shanty, so I said, “why don’t you blow smoke into a plastic bag, when you get a craving, just breath into the bag.” I kind of laughed; everyone else stopped smoking and actually thought about it. Wow, this is how bad ideas start!

I love joking around and when I'm not doing that, I'm stealing jokes. Here are some misquotes from Dilbert newsletter.
"That's water over the bridge."
"You're dead meat in the water."
"That stands out like a diamond in a goat's butt!"
"You shouldn't violate the law because that's illegal."
"They have us by the balls of our feet."
"Never pet a burning dog."
"It's hotter than a French hen."
"They should lock him up and throw away the book."
"They cooked themselves. Now they have to lay in it."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Don't look a blind horse in the eye."
"I put my wrong foot in the wrong mouth at the wrong time!"
"Cows died to give us that cheese."
"Don't slap the hand that milks you."
"Call me back at your least convenience."
"It's six of one and one of the other."
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
"That's going to change the whole ball of works."
"They're not the brightest box of cookies."
"The pro's for are more than the pro's against"
"I wouldn't touch him as far as I could throw him."

Tae kwon do schools

I was hesitant to cover this topic. I certainly don’t want to feel someone’s fist of fury, but this is funny so I must tell. If this is my last post, then avenge me or even better, rent the first matrix. Man that is a good film.

Sorry, got a bit off base for a second. A couple of years back I decided to get back into martial arts and started checking out schools. If you don’t do TKD, there isn’t anything out there. No karate no kung fu. Just TKD, at least in this town. Here is what I found about SOME not all but some of the Tae Kwon Do schools.
It’s a pyramid scam. There are a few Black belts on the top and they make money from the many many white belts.

Guess the only way into the black belt club?

Hard work? Nope
Determination? Yes, but not the way your thinking
Shovel cash at the teacher? Yes.

Black belts are expensive. But I didn’t meet one black belt that I couldn’t go toe to toe with.

Here is my last teacher. He once told me the path to enlightenment was through meditation.



He also told me that he likes the teletubbies and me his parents made tons of money.

Ok, Stereotypes. I’m not talking about Sony or Magnavox. Those are Stereo Types.
Not like this:




I’m talking about 2 freaking guys. I hate them. Look at them, all mustachey. Hate. No, let me start over.

OK. Sorry about that. Here is today’s Gripe…If you’re an Italian or Italian American, or like me half Italian, you will be able to relate. There were 2 guys who really set us back. They brought awareness to why Italians like mushrooms, but for some reason they were afraid of turtles? Come on, Turtles? Something must be wrong here. They are so slow if one was chasing you, it would take months to catch you. And if they did what would happen? Nothing!
Well these guys would die if a turtle touched them. Unless they jumped on top of them? What? They must of have had a allergic reaction to stupidity.






Stop dancing you idiots! I hate you!

This one is for my Bro. He would rather hang out with his grubby friends on Saturday then me.


BROS BEFORE SHMOES!!!!

Where I work some users don't know the difference between a forward slash / and a backslash \. It is funny that some thing that would seem so important to a computer is quite meaning less to say an axe murderer. A slash is a slash to them. In fact a backslash is just as important when killing someone. Cause you hit them once and there gone start running, you better follow up with a back slash right away.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Ok, so my wife has been watching this Flavor of love show. Its about an aging man who wants to “bang hoes” and tell them that they might be the one that he is in love with. He proceeds to bang hoes, then discard them for more hoes.
I don’t know why they call it Flavor of love. The only flavor is skank so far. Some working titles should have been:
Whores, and the 1 guy who railed them
I am a mean woman and want to have some old guy for myself for some reason.
Skanktoberfest
Money can buy you anything, apparently
I don’t know what love is, so why not?
Mad about you (you being a ho)


Pretty sure the Christmas special will be something like
Ho ho ho, of love

Well, I was gone for a week in training. I thought I would have a bunch of great material for the blog on here but I gots nutin. sorry. Maybe something funny will happen on the way home tonight.

I like to call this post "brotherly love"

So i have 3 sons, 2 of them i only see every other weekend and all summer. They are at the age where they fight constantly. What does one do?
I think i came up with a solution. i tried it out today and it seemed to work. They were fighting and i had them stand outside for 5 minutes and hold hands in the front yard. They didn't fight the rest of the day.

I think I am going to write a song that only has one note, any note, played in any way. Then I will title it "Carnegie hall."
Then jump ahead a bit. If some kid who doesn't want to play an instrument and their parents force them to. They will say, keep practicing so one day you can play Carnegie hall, the kid can say, I already know that one. I just strum all the open strings, can I go now? I got kids to bully! This will usually be followed by a few beatings, first the parent to the kid, then the kid to some kid he is bullying.

Little bit about me, i don't really live in regret. However, i only was only attracted to one teacher in jr. high. and before i could make my move, she retired.

Ok, I'm thinking of a Pink Elton John with a butt on his head.











Yep, that was it.

I have an idea. Ask yourself this? What market hasn’t been tapped but the people have money? That’s right. Meth lab accessories! I’ll have aprons that say “bless this meth” and “kiss the crack”. T – shirts that say “my meth lab blew up and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” or “cops closed my meth lab!” with some picture of stewie or yogi bear or whatever. I was also thinking of expensive pipe cleaners that are already bent into the shape of the word loser.

My new annoying thing lately is going up to someone and asking something obious about them. Hey what are you doing, standing around? Hey what are you doing talking to some guy and being interrupted by me? Hey what are you doing, reading this blog? I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks. My next move in this pointless progression is to start jumping to conclusions

Hey, what are you doing? Thinking about killing your wife?
Hey, what are you doing? Standing in peoples way waiting to get punched.

I have invented a potion that makes me invisible. Unfortunately it also gives everyone else the ability to see people who are invisible, apparently.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

I almost forgot the necklace. I had gotten this necklace (I still have it) from a museum. It was just a simple brown string with a Celtic symbol for tolerance on it. I was walking past her desk coming from the bathroom. (I started taking the long way to the bathroom just to walk past her.) and she commented on my necklace when I was walking past. I kept walking at first for about 2 seconds as it didn’t sync in right away. But I am sure she said something like “I like your necklace” so I stopped and backtracked and showed it to her. I had a small conversation about how it got it and that my nephew at time, who was 1 years old picked it out.
Hmmm, did it seem like she was interested in me? This is a difficult thing for me to tell because she said she liked my necklace and not myself. However, I did have that necklace on since then and nobody has commented on it, ever. That added to her being with me right now may mean she didn’t like the necklace and just wanted to talk to me. I guess we’ll never know.

when is the next holiday? does anyone know. when i say holiday i only reckinize real ones where i would get off work, and not fake ones like elvis's birthday or easter.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

The next week I decided to play the cool card. Unfortunately I didn’t have that card, so I decided to be myself (huge mistake if you knew me, you would know why). My desk was near a copy machine and she was making some copies. I was sitting at my desk pretending to work and she was just kind of hanging out. Well after about 10 minutes of me pretending to do something, I looked up at her and said “you know, this thing copies on its own” and she walked away. I showed her. Nobody stands in front of my desk! Wow was I dumb back then. So a day goes by and I ran into her in the hall with some homely jerk, and I said, “if you’re here, who is watching the copy machine?” and then ran off like a damn psycho. Luckily, she found it amusing.

I heard a funny pitch for a guy training today. He said he was going to come in, train everyone for 2 days and then leave, and nobodies the wiser. Why did he add that last part?

Ok this is an abridged version of how I met my wife.

I was working a job I didn’t like. The days were long and the women there were haggard (that is the kindest word I could come up with). My company was notorious for hiring temps. They were like klenex at that place. We would just rip right through them. All of the temps, were of course, haggard.
Ok, let’s shoot forward a couple of years. This chick starts at work, who was hot. The kind of hot you can bake an oven with a turkey in it and they both come out just right. When someone is paying attention to you more then normal you can feel it. After talking to her just a few times and her not filling my eyes with mace, I told my friend she seemed interested. I found out that on a Friday she was going to a “work night out” I never once went to those things. The reason was that I spent enough time with those jerks, but I found out she was going. So I went.
That was a nightmare for me
She mentioned to everyone that she didn’t have any money and was waiting on her friend. Once her friend got there she was going to leave. So was I, but I was the only person who knew that. She mentioned no money? Well what the heck I offered to buy her a drink.
Think she said no? Well saying no wouldn’t of been as bad as what happened. I sometimes play out the whole thing in slow motion in my head. It was a nightmare, yelled NO and stabbed me in the hand with a fork. Well maybe she just said no, but what the hell? I just thought she was thirsty. So after she made me look stupid in front of my coworkers, a small group of us just hung out and talked. I thought things were going well, and then her friend showed up. Ok, so I was like I guess I’ll leave before her so she would never be aware that I liked her and could retain what little coolness I have mustered through the years. So I did the preemptive strike and left what I thought was minutes before she did. She didn’t leave. She stayed the whole night.
To be continued at a later date, obviously

My last job I use to come in late everyday. I would love to watch the faces of the people as I would waltz in at 8:15. I could here them whisper and get these great glares from them; I would just smile and wave.
I once went in on time and I left my shoes untied, then spent the first 15 minutes tying them. I looked at one of my coworkers and said, “That must be it!”
It use to drive people crazy, but I didn’t do it because of that. Or because of the looks on peoples faces when I waltzed in.(although it was priceless let me tell you). I did it because I could. Absolute power corrupts absolute. Nobody ever questioned why or told me to start coming in on time. I would go year after year with reviews where they didn’t even mention it. Why didn’t anyone care that I violated such an extreme rule. Look back at school. Tardiness was punished in such an extreme way. Late for school? Get a detention. Late for a class? Get a detention. Get out of school and you’re late for work, nothing. Do it again, nothing. I eventually left that job because “I wasn’t challenged.” I outgrew my own tardiness.

I was once asked if I didn’t believe in god how did I know what was right from wrong? I told him it wasn’t god that made him know right from wrong, it was his belief in god. He said no. I asked him if he had ever actually seen god? He said no. So it was his belief in god that made him act that way, it had to of been. If he never seen it he would have to have faith, and that faith was keeping him in line, not god.
He then asked me if I had to see everything to believe it. I said, no. I believe in never seen a religious nut that wasn’t pushy, but I would like to think they are out there.

I don't have anything to say, but that hasn't stopped me before: A meat pie is good and a meat cake is disgusting? I wonder why.

Man I was drawing a blank today but after an interesting conversation with some jerks, I got this:

If a hotel mattress suddenly sprang to life, what would he have to say?
How about, dear lord please stop putting 2 year olds on me? I am sick of smelling like urine.
For the love of Spiderman, flip me, I’m getting bed sores!!!
My job is like Joan Collins, just having fat guys lie on me. (I have no clue on what that means)
Why can’t you remove my label?
What is the deal with airline food?
Popeye’s is better then KFC. (This is just common knowledge)

Meetings, i hate them. Meetings are that one thing that helps prevent me from doing my job. I use to pretend to get pages, cell calls, anything to get out of meetings. It was pretty slick. I would be sitting there and just stand up, look at my phone and walk out. Nobody ever questioned me.
How did King Arthur get out of stuff like that? I’ll be he kept a passenger pigeon in his pocket. At the right time he would pull it out, look at it, and walk away. Simpler times.