My new annoying thing lately is going up to someone and asking something obious about them. Hey what are you doing, standing around? Hey what are you doing talking to some guy and being interrupted by me? Hey what are you doing, reading this blog? I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks. My next move in this pointless progression is to start jumping to conclusions

Hey, what are you doing? Thinking about killing your wife?
Hey, what are you doing? Standing in peoples way waiting to get punched.

I have invented a potion that makes me invisible. Unfortunately it also gives everyone else the ability to see people who are invisible, apparently.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

I almost forgot the necklace. I had gotten this necklace (I still have it) from a museum. It was just a simple brown string with a Celtic symbol for tolerance on it. I was walking past her desk coming from the bathroom. (I started taking the long way to the bathroom just to walk past her.) and she commented on my necklace when I was walking past. I kept walking at first for about 2 seconds as it didn’t sync in right away. But I am sure she said something like “I like your necklace” so I stopped and backtracked and showed it to her. I had a small conversation about how it got it and that my nephew at time, who was 1 years old picked it out.
Hmmm, did it seem like she was interested in me? This is a difficult thing for me to tell because she said she liked my necklace and not myself. However, I did have that necklace on since then and nobody has commented on it, ever. That added to her being with me right now may mean she didn’t like the necklace and just wanted to talk to me. I guess we’ll never know.

when is the next holiday? does anyone know. when i say holiday i only reckinize real ones where i would get off work, and not fake ones like elvis's birthday or easter.

Ok back to the story of me and the wife.

The next week I decided to play the cool card. Unfortunately I didn’t have that card, so I decided to be myself (huge mistake if you knew me, you would know why). My desk was near a copy machine and she was making some copies. I was sitting at my desk pretending to work and she was just kind of hanging out. Well after about 10 minutes of me pretending to do something, I looked up at her and said “you know, this thing copies on its own” and she walked away. I showed her. Nobody stands in front of my desk! Wow was I dumb back then. So a day goes by and I ran into her in the hall with some homely jerk, and I said, “if you’re here, who is watching the copy machine?” and then ran off like a damn psycho. Luckily, she found it amusing.

I heard a funny pitch for a guy training today. He said he was going to come in, train everyone for 2 days and then leave, and nobodies the wiser. Why did he add that last part?

Ok this is an abridged version of how I met my wife.

I was working a job I didn’t like. The days were long and the women there were haggard (that is the kindest word I could come up with). My company was notorious for hiring temps. They were like klenex at that place. We would just rip right through them. All of the temps, were of course, haggard.
Ok, let’s shoot forward a couple of years. This chick starts at work, who was hot. The kind of hot you can bake an oven with a turkey in it and they both come out just right. When someone is paying attention to you more then normal you can feel it. After talking to her just a few times and her not filling my eyes with mace, I told my friend she seemed interested. I found out that on a Friday she was going to a “work night out” I never once went to those things. The reason was that I spent enough time with those jerks, but I found out she was going. So I went.
That was a nightmare for me
She mentioned to everyone that she didn’t have any money and was waiting on her friend. Once her friend got there she was going to leave. So was I, but I was the only person who knew that. She mentioned no money? Well what the heck I offered to buy her a drink.
Think she said no? Well saying no wouldn’t of been as bad as what happened. I sometimes play out the whole thing in slow motion in my head. It was a nightmare, yelled NO and stabbed me in the hand with a fork. Well maybe she just said no, but what the hell? I just thought she was thirsty. So after she made me look stupid in front of my coworkers, a small group of us just hung out and talked. I thought things were going well, and then her friend showed up. Ok, so I was like I guess I’ll leave before her so she would never be aware that I liked her and could retain what little coolness I have mustered through the years. So I did the preemptive strike and left what I thought was minutes before she did. She didn’t leave. She stayed the whole night.
To be continued at a later date, obviously

My last job I use to come in late everyday. I would love to watch the faces of the people as I would waltz in at 8:15. I could here them whisper and get these great glares from them; I would just smile and wave.
I once went in on time and I left my shoes untied, then spent the first 15 minutes tying them. I looked at one of my coworkers and said, “That must be it!”
It use to drive people crazy, but I didn’t do it because of that. Or because of the looks on peoples faces when I waltzed in.(although it was priceless let me tell you). I did it because I could. Absolute power corrupts absolute. Nobody ever questioned why or told me to start coming in on time. I would go year after year with reviews where they didn’t even mention it. Why didn’t anyone care that I violated such an extreme rule. Look back at school. Tardiness was punished in such an extreme way. Late for school? Get a detention. Late for a class? Get a detention. Get out of school and you’re late for work, nothing. Do it again, nothing. I eventually left that job because “I wasn’t challenged.” I outgrew my own tardiness.

I was once asked if I didn’t believe in god how did I know what was right from wrong? I told him it wasn’t god that made him know right from wrong, it was his belief in god. He said no. I asked him if he had ever actually seen god? He said no. So it was his belief in god that made him act that way, it had to of been. If he never seen it he would have to have faith, and that faith was keeping him in line, not god.
He then asked me if I had to see everything to believe it. I said, no. I believe in never seen a religious nut that wasn’t pushy, but I would like to think they are out there.

I don't have anything to say, but that hasn't stopped me before: A meat pie is good and a meat cake is disgusting? I wonder why.

Man I was drawing a blank today but after an interesting conversation with some jerks, I got this:

If a hotel mattress suddenly sprang to life, what would he have to say?
How about, dear lord please stop putting 2 year olds on me? I am sick of smelling like urine.
For the love of Spiderman, flip me, I’m getting bed sores!!!
My job is like Joan Collins, just having fat guys lie on me. (I have no clue on what that means)
Why can’t you remove my label?
What is the deal with airline food?
Popeye’s is better then KFC. (This is just common knowledge)

Meetings, i hate them. Meetings are that one thing that helps prevent me from doing my job. I use to pretend to get pages, cell calls, anything to get out of meetings. It was pretty slick. I would be sitting there and just stand up, look at my phone and walk out. Nobody ever questioned me.
How did King Arthur get out of stuff like that? I’ll be he kept a passenger pigeon in his pocket. At the right time he would pull it out, look at it, and walk away. Simpler times.

I work in an office environment. Don’t judge me for that, I don’t know or care where you work and already I don’t like you. Where was i? oh yes, my catch fraise. I would get invited to meetings, usually unnecessarily. My old catch fraise use to be “is there food in this or am I just not going.” I have decided to revamp this to a new one. Which I will post later. So if you see some phrase in quotes for no reason as a post, its me testing my new catch phrase.

Do you think that the term ho down means the same as in Texas as it does in New York?

The Descent is decent. A friend of my who happens to be a doctor (of goreolgy) lent me this film. Pretty dang good. I see that there is a US theatrical release date of August 4, 2006. I’m not much of a movie buff, but this one would be scary enough to see in theaters (which I won’t go). Its about a bunch of thrill seekers who get stuck in a cave and later on run into some troubles. It’s a great film for both people who like being stuck in caves and people who don’t care for being stuck in caves but like swearing. I’ll give it 11 thumbs up. That is 5 and a half fonzie’s. There is one scene where one person finds a dead dear or something. Looking at the credits, the part was played by Anthony Clark, from the show “yes dear.” (I would like to formally apologize for that last joke; I hate the show “yes, dear” and don’t have any affiliation with them). Anyway I liked the movie somewhat and it gives me new found respect for people who like ropes.

I think that I’m tired today. I parked my car at the lot at work. Got out and starting walking into work. I noticed that I left my wallet in my car so I went back. My car was sticking out about 3 feet. So I fixed that, started walking into work again, sure enough I forgot my wallet, again.

The answer is me, then yes then no

first question
Who has 2 thumbs and loves car batteries?

second question
If you were me and I was you, would you invest anytime in swapping lives?

Finally
You didn't think I was really psychic did you?

Apparently i started writing this 6 years ago. it's total rubish.


He thought he looked good, at least as good as he ever did as a bead of sweat started running down his forehead. Thoughts of him walking into the interview, being the answer to there dreams pleased him but he knew that he was grossly under qualified. The two other potential candidates were sitting across from him, engaging in what he would call “I don’t know you. But I’ll be nice to you because life tells me to be nice to you. And even though you might steal a job from me, I’ll pretend to like you.”
‘Pathetic,’ John thought ‘As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had to sit in with these two as they swapped horror stories about how bad it is out in the job market, my stomach keeps rumbling and I also have to use the bathroom like nobody business. My hands are almost waterlogged from sweat. Great. That will make a good impression. He’ll come up to me and say please to meet you and then get a handful of my own fluids.”
‘Honesty. That is what this world needs. I’m gonna march right in there and tell him that I am under qualified and will come in late after 3 weeks of just barley making it in time. That I was the first one downsized at my last company and this one won’t be much different.’ He laughed at himself for a second. Although he was cracking up on the inside the outside, still sweating, showed only a smiled, his thoughts wandered to the policy of interoffice dating.
The secretary called in one of the other gentlemen. He used that time to go down the hall to use the bathroom. His cheap shoes made a clacking noise on every other step. So he made a clack and a pat. Clack pat clack pat clack… you get the idea.
The bathroom seemed a bit further down then he remembered it, things always do when you are nervous and your bladders yelling at you.

Ok, a post. errr, so what is in the news today.

Ok, one thing I realized since I started blogging is that nobody really cares if its real blood and fake blood pouring out of a cadaver, as long as it is coming out in droves. Well that was disgusting.

Let me start over. How about this, my car battery died today, no funeral arrangements have been made. I went to a battery store (WHAT?) and bought a battery. My father came with me, (we hang every other Friday). I feel that I was robbed by this purchase. That battery was way to expensive, and as you may or may not know, am on a limited budget. Nobody's fault buy my own spending habits. (coke is an expensive drug and if you don't know that you inhale instead of exhale, you can get into debt pretty dang quick) So I was doing about a kilo a day.
What was a talking about? Batteries. And me buying one. Well that was it actually. The story kind of spiked when I mentioned coke but fizzed out when I went over where it spiked and where it fizzled. Basically that last sentence.
Ok so lets wrap that up.

Me saying I went into a battery store makes a small part inside me die a little. Coke is expensive and needs some kind of manual. And I don't know how much a kilo is.

I want a tassel. Let me reiterate. I want a tassel.

Back when I graduated High School. (what is so funny?) I kind of skipped the whole, wear a dress and get a scroll end of high school thing. It reminds me of a very ghey version of harry potter or something, if that is possible. So I didn’t get a tassel, and not having that tassel prevented me from hanging one in my car (usually seen on camaros) and missed out on the lecture “dude, its been 15 years, loose the tassel.” Good times.