I like to dress in lairs, not in lots of different cloths over each other, I mean I like to dress in dungeons.

Bingo wasn't actually his nameo

I'm not a really big fan of the 70's music, in fact i don't like that crap at all, but you know what i really like that came out of the 70's?

the 80s.

Why is it if the customer doesn't care, then I don't have to care. But if I don't care, the customer can still care? That is BS

I think a good show for the food network would be "The Next Iron Monkey"

This coming week, things to do:

Winterize my beach towels.
Make a buttermilk pancake and tell it to shut up.
Underenduldge.
Underachieve.
Mediumachieve.
Take a giant leep for mankind.
Be kind to a giant man.
Do people still dance? find out why or why not and make them stop or start.
and if there is time, relax.

Are you a KFC Whore?

i was a KFC the other day and they were doing a world hunger relief promotion. Which is good, no making fun of someone who is trying to feed chicken to the chicken-less, but they had a blurb that said
text KFCWHR to (some number) which kind of made me smile.

KFCWHR was my old nickname when I was in Plumbers College (I dropped out of course for more trivial pursuits).

In an event called, they are to old to do things anymore, Metallica fans had to trash the stage for them.
in a response that was not to suprised ole granpa headfeild said "what? where's my soup"
a not suprising response from long time drummer "He took my belt and now i can't stand up right. Seems like this may be my last winter."
and finially newcommer bassest John nobody was said "These guys are old, but they are rich as shit"

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/stopthepresses/392291/postponed-f1-metallica-gig-now-canceled/

Also in the same artical



Quote:
This is the second such embarrassment for the Indian capital this year, after a concert by Canadian rock star Bryan Adams was canceled when police refused to give organizers permission..





They said he needs to have a hit within the last 15 years else no premissions. He new that comming in, so that was on Bryan. me personaly? I'm finding hard to believe were in heaven.

That band, who during the riot was taking nappies, said "Nappies."
The personal assistant of Metallica siad, "You'll have to come back later. the band is very cranky because they didn't get their moring porage. Also one of them got upset at a boy on his lawn and yelled about that."
This could be the biggest upset since the cancellation of the goldengirls, back to you.

So what is your girlfriend like?
What is she like? She sure exsists, that is for sure.
Yeah, right.

Of all the discriptions for a girl you can give, telling someone that they are "real" is a sure way to make them think that they are not. Next time try the truth.

So what is your girlfriend like?
I am not sure, I havn't met her.
Wow, she sounds really cool!

Ok, I'm thinking of a Pink Elton John with a butt on his head.












Yep that is it.

Would there be any benefit to selling "no solicitor" signs door to door?

You know who is really good at charades? Choking victims.

not my quote, but still makes me think:

There's no animal behavorial issue that can't be resolved with a few good beatings - Ineubis

I am a bleeding seal amungst sharks. - famous quote from the talking seal who cut himself and then fell in a shark tank.

A History of living in the past
Couple of thoughts on this

Do you think that the guy who said “stop living in the past” failed history?

You never tell a guy to stop living in the past who did some good. And example
“Hey I saved a baby in a fire”
“Stop living in the past.”
If history has taught us anything it is that , you would sound like a jerk.

And finally;

Someone once told me to stop living in the past. I told him I used to, in fact, we all did.

I updated my blog. I used David in my logo because:

1. He is dead, so no suing.
2. He knows the Thinker, who is the worlds enemy. world hates thinking, think about it. no? see what I mean?

I didn't want to use the Thinker directly, but just give you something to think about.

I was once told that you haven't lived until you ate at Applebees. Well know i know how a robot feels, because i haven't lived.

I'm almost finished with a screenplay. it is a modern day Salem witch trial, with judge judy as the judge, and possibly the witch.

I was feeling nostalgic today, usually that means I’m at a sewing machine fixing me up some parachute pants, but I decided to go back further, as far as I could go and still be nostalgic. So I ended up crapping my pants and crying for 2 hours until I was giving a bottle.

Question:
Does HR have to get invovled everytime I sit in the mens room at work and scream at people when they walk in "Who are you? Who sent you?" or "do you have a package for me?"
Answer:
Yes.

The 4th of July is perhaps the most stupid idea for a holiday. does anyone really know what we are celebrating? Don't get me wrong I really like your country. you humans (minus brains) are all right in my book. I just find it hard to believe that we are still entertained by flashes of light in the sky that aren't aliens (think land of the dead and you'll really feel silly)? Fireworks are dangerous. Anything that you lite and then explodes or just gets real hot shouldn't be given to children to run around and really hurt themselves. Do you think Francis Scott Key was writing about sparklers? Why not celebrate the holiday but doing a mock signing of the declaration of independence, where you are all wearing white wigs and blouses.
for the pete of sake, be careful.

Today Someone referred our intern as a "reverse Doogie Howser"


Ok, it was me.

How to look like you know what your doing

1 uncross your eyes.
2 do not announce that you don’t know what you are doing
3 if at any point you pulled your pants down, pull them back up, blame a leprechaun and continue
4 site a reputable source, like a doctor. Do not use anyone that is not reputable , like a politician
5 do not read this paper out loud during your speech.
6 at the end of the speech, don’t say “or whatever.”
7 use fancy words like “no idea” and “whatyacallit”

Everyone does something wrong. I feel it is good to anonymously point that out. next time your loading paper into the printer, be sure to write "I know what you did" or "I'm on to you" on one of the papers. however. if you have the printer at your desk and you have short term memory loss, don't do this prank as it may backfire.

Vintage classic post, and that doesn't mean i'm running out of stupid ideas:

Why the game Monopoly is bull and I hate you.

Ok I hate monopoly. No big deal you think, this guy hates everything. Sometimes I even hate air.
Everyone is like, “hey what’s up with him?”
“Oh didn’t you know? He breathed and it set him off.”

But I digress. Here is my problem with monopoly:
At the most, I played it with 4 people, you can do more, but I never did. The first part of the game is great, you run around buying stuff. But eventually you can’t buy anything anymore. So you build houses and hotels, if you can. So now you have people running around owning houses and hotels, but staying at other people’s houses or hotels.

Let me tell you something, if you own a house or a hotel, you’re not going to spend the night in another one right down the road, especially when its 1500 dollars a night and your hurting for money. Your gonna spend the night in your house or hotel for free.

And what kind of city only has 4 people in it? No wonder it cost 2000 for a night to stay

Inspirational quote of the day:
if you think you can, you're not thinking it through.
or
if you think you can, i think you're wrong
or
it’s better to loved and lost then to be shot and raped.

Yesterday at a grocery store I saw a guy who was with my brother when he got punched in 2nd grade for wearing a tin foil nose. I was at a loss of words…what could I say?

The more I know, the more I don't want to know...TMI

Although I've never seen the show, i always liked the show JAG! I just thought it was about a guy who parked in handicap parking spots and spit on old people.
According to the imdb, the the plot is "The cases of Harmon Rabb, former Navy fighter pilot, and his fellow JAG lawyers"

I'm thinking a spin off called JAG Babies. think of the possibilities.

How horrifying would it be to sleep with a clown? ask the members of the band Kiss's wives. They would know for sure.

unknown author:
well my memory is not working so well lately so i figure i just say the truth so i don thave to remember shit

apparently i am a self made man, which is why i dress like crap.

we could take off every day for Alzheimer day
think about it

The government did an experiment (top secret mind you) asking would a perpetual motion machine and a motion sensor activated device together be funny? The answer: Your damn right it would.

The Charlie Story
Charlie is genius, right; he's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum, ha, imagine that! In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement; It was too hot in LA, and he melted like a pink bitch, Ha ha ha ha ha! Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slices. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet, ha ha! Destination Alaska! Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into to the shape of a hoover - "I wasn't thinking." Charlie wasn't fazed though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits "ha ha … oh." The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. "I appear to be on fire." The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. "After all I did for you … oooh." The green shape was frozen. After a quick drink Charlie stole Eric Phillips magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd killed 50 Inuits, no-one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, dildos, trumpets and spanners.

I wonder if anyone has ever killed a pacifist in self-defence?

If you haven't gotten to where you're going, your aren't there yet. George Carlin

What is popularity? Well, if you think it is where nobody knows you and you eat alone, then yes, I am very popular.

People say my eyes are my best feature. That is crazy! My eyes are just hooked up to the part of my brain that wants to know what is going on out there. The rest of me could care less. And they have this crazy color. The color hasn’t been invented for my eyes as of yet. Well blue, I guess they are bluish. I wish sometimes they were pointed the other way. So I can see what I’m thinking.

What if the earth was used as an ancient burial ground for dinosaurs by aliens?

word origin

Sometimes interesting words and phrases are right under our noses. After using it countless times on this site, a reader asked me where the term to coin a phrase came from?
The verb to coin originally meant to literally mint a coin. It dates to the 14th century, first appearing in Robert Brunne’s Langtoft’s Chronicle, written about 1330.

By the end of the 16th century, the verb to coin was being used to refer to the creation of a new word or phrase. From the anonymous The Arte of English Poesie (1589; generally attributed to George Puttenham, but authorship is uncertain.
Some believe that usage of to coin in this fashion is actually an error, believing instead that it should be to quoin, a printer’s term meaning to secure a block of type with a quoin, or metal wedge. So to quoin a phrase is to set it into type or make it permanent. But quoin is simply a spelling variant of coin that is primarily used in this specialized printing sense. The general sense meaning to create is invariably spelled coin.

The ironic use of the phrase to coin a phrase to excuse a clichè dates to at least 1940. From F.B. Young’s Mr. Lucton’s Freedom of that year:

It takes all sorts to make a world, to coin a phrase.

Tips on selling blood
Don’t make the same mistake I made and show up with a bag of blood from multiple donors. They will not give you any money. And you don’t get the bag back. So if you do use a bag you are prepared to loose forever. The police will get envolved as well.
If half of the people who worked at the blood bank’s name start with the word "Count", do not let them near you. They, however, will take that bag I mentioned earlier no questions asked.
Also I think it is a good idea not to get an atm card from a blood bank. They didn’t offer it, but if they did I would say no.

Lots of game shows out there, but they are stale and boring. how about combining a couple to make them more interesting:

combine who wants to marry a millionare with are you smater then a 5th grader:

WHO WANTS TO MARRY A 5th grader!

or

wheel of fortune with family fued

Family wheel of fueding fortunes!

or

Jeporady with a bank robbery

Ask questions and steel money from a bank!

or

the news with a porno

news people will watch!

My writers block continues though out this glorious year. Since i can't make things up anymore, here is a true fact about me:

I believe that the world is plotting against me. not in some big fashion like tyring to kill me or tyring to keep me from succeeding. i think there is a world organization that is trying to prevent me from eating bald eagles. weird what the mind allows you to think if you let it.

Well it turned out that my writers block was just laziness. so lets post some internet fodder!

I was feeling nostolgic for my childhood the other day so:

I ate 2 deserts but only after eating food i hate

went to bed at 9

wet my bed

I played vidoe games but had to stop after an hour

someone siad, "cause i said so" and I took their word as gospil. Instead of imedeately doing a mental fact check.

Took a bath instead of a shower, played with toys and didn't use soap

why the hell would i miss being a child?

I found out the hard way today that a bunch or road flares, some grey clay and duck tape is neither pratical nor a joke.

I went to sign up for something and they made me give them my name. After I did they asked me “That name sounds made up.”

“It was, by my parents.”

I took a break because I couldn’t think of anything that was both stupid and funny. I think I was trying way too hard. When you think less, you talk more bad dumber. Everyone should think less, do less and eat more. Since I was away for a while, I leave you 2 jokes.

It is no secret that I don’t like poetry. If you know someone who doesn’t know that about me, don’t tell them. Anyway, I think that poetry is for people who can’t be direct enough to tell people how they feel. Saying “my heart is wind on my face and sunshine on my mind”, is a way less direct way of saying, “will you go to bed with me”

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question never heard the song what is a juggalo.

my niece said something pretty funny today. My dad was telling me that my sister was writing an essay for school. i asked what was the essay going to be on. she said, "paper, essays are done on paper."

I hit a new low yesterday.

Well, let me refresh that. I went to the new Lowes yesterday. Wonderful store full of lots of things. The people who worked there were so full of life that I have dubbed them Lowe lives.

Remember Rockwell? The guy who sung Somebody's Watching Me? Since his 1 hit in 1984, and people not watching him, do you think he still thinks that?

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Or

"Eating Corn on the cob with no teeth is funny to watch."

Or

"Criminals who steal toys really take the fun out of a childs life."

Or

"Jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know is like eating a box of nails. Even if you do it, it is going to hurt like hell in the end."

Can't think of anymore...

blast from my HMB past...From oct 31 2007

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Medical questions.


My doctor asked me the strangest question the other day.
How is my BM?
Well I told him it was brown. Great actually.
What do you mean Great?
You know, when it’s warm it tastes really good?
What?
Not just me ya know, the kids have some. Actually the kids eat more then I do
What? Why?
Cause its delicious. Just good eating.

He left. Never came back. My follow up question is, why would he even care that I have a bread maker? I lied to him. I don’t have a bread maker, I was just kind of put on a the spot.

to me a royal rumble is when the queen of england puts a beat down on her kids, anything else is total crap.

Show beginnings:
I am working on some ideas for a TV show

Could start with a dream sequence

Start with a scene in the kitchen both eating cereal.
ME: did you see that television program on the television last night?
My Wife: sure did!
ME: that talk show host sure did host the show, while talking.
My Wife: boy it sure would be sweet to be a talk show host
ME: I wonder what that would be like.

They both look up in the air and fall instantly asleep. Both faces in the cereal bowls.
Then a small caption in a newspaper saying 2 drown while daydreaming

Them picking out a talk show host from a slide presentation:

ME: Ok, here are our final choices. First there is Whorey poowitch (pic of Maury)
My Wife: nah
ME: ok, how about poory poowhich (same pic of Maury
My Wife: getting better but still no
ME: hmm, how about scorey poosandmich (again same pic)
My Wife: that is worse then the first one
ME: Gay Grandma? (picture of j edgar hoover)
My Wife: I like this choice in many ways but overall I hate it.
ME: ok, how about her? (pic of My Wife doing something silly)
My Wife: yes


Pitching a show idea

ME: Ok you know how most shows have a beginning, middle and end?
My Wife: yeah?
ME: well some are so bad, that people just want to skip to the end, so my idea is to have a show that is just an end (cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching) but the twist is...
My Wife: (interrupting) A Carrie ending? (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching” but getting blood dumped on her)
ME: what? No. I was going to say you just show that part twice. (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching", then looks up "no blood then?")
My Wife: umm

rehashed post from a year and a half ago

IF you ever listen to a glam rock song and think to yourself, is this song about a whore? The answer is always a yes

Merry Christmas. There I said it.
Vampire Hygiene. Notice that there hair is always looking nice? How? They can't see themselves in mirrors? Sometimes you would think that the hair would look all crazy. Not the guys, they always get that Greaseball slick back look (not banging it, it looks good on you) but the chicks hair is always flowing and billowy. And what is up with that? They can't see themselves, and often in movies they can't see the clothes either? Did they bite there clothes before they put them on? Vampire clothes? Also they never take their clothes off, not that I would want to see them naked (who would want to see someone over 80 with no clothes? Wow that a vision that now won't go away) but when they drink blood it’s usually makes a really big mess, then the next time you see them they are clean, indcluding the clothes! you ever get blood on something? it doesn't come off. GRAAAA, forget it.
In conclusion, merry Christmas from the staff at humans minus brains

When will we evolve enough as human beings to where we only have to sneeze once. Why all the double sneezing, huh Darwin?

a beach house doesn't have to be on the beach, but all the good ones are. get a beach house

Zoolander 2? why? what could it be about?

here are my ideas...

zoolander wins a free trip to new mexico, pees on the alamo
zoolander and his buddy (the guy with the wierd nose) get married
Mustafoo comes back and they both enter a pie eating contest (porno version)
zoolander gets on a bus that can't go under 55 else it will explode
zoolander spends an hour and a half trying to find waldo in a picaso painting
zoolander returns home and gets a job in a coal mine (the only funny part of the movie)

So in a meeting today, our boss was talking about a hr meeting that she went to. In the meeting, they mentioned that only 10 percent of the people who were covered in our insurance had a full yearly examination. One guy in our meeting raised his hand to acknollege that he had one.
she said, "Do you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah, some time this year that guy had a someone's finger up his ass."

Time is an abstract concept







except for my birthday

i think if 2 people tried to talk like yoda for a whole conversation, it would only be a matter of time before they kill each other

Fan mail

I get billions of emails, snail mails, passenger pigeons and even some smoke signals asking me zillions of questions. I can’t get to them all. So what I did was throw most of them away. My garbage is full of smoke and pigeons, and it is getting tuff to explain to the pretentious garbage guys on why my pigeons are so Smokey. So I pulled out 1 smoke signal, and with my lucky charms decoder ring, this is the question I have deciphered.

Hi! My name is hank and I am homeless. I live in your garbage can and was wondering if you can throw away something besides smoke and pigeons? Thanks your creepy neighbor, hank.
My answer?


Sure no problem!

Are you cool? No, of course not.

There are many definitions of cool. This thing seems to elude most, mainly because they don’t know what it looks like, even when it is dancing naked in front of them (which isn’t remotely cool).

Some people think that being popular or being nice are paths to cool, nope. Those are just paths to being chummped.

Here is the real test to on whether or not you are cool. If someone is in a room with a bunch of people he doesn’t know (hospital funeral, wherever) and announces loudly, “Man. I just want to apologize to everyone for being so damn handsome.” Most people will just stare or mutter something to their friends on how weird that guy is. Those guys are chumps in their own rights.
The cool person will just shout back “Damn Right!”

That is cool. That is what cool is, any questions?

Excerpt from my new book: Cooking for anorexics


Grapes are good, really really good. But the problem is most grocers don’t carry half stock grapes. Well I found an interesting place that will sell a half grape but the cost is astronomical prices. But if you want a fresh halved grape, this is they way to go. So here is what you need

Ingredients:

1 half grape, fresh or frozen
1 misting bottle filled with 3 eye drops of ice cold water

To prepare take the grape and cut it into 16 different parts. Place them on a tray, and stand 3 rooms away with the misting bottle. With a half a squeeze release the water and after about 2 hours the mist should gentle rest on the grapes. Then the grapes are ready to be looked at. Once done looking at them discard. (if you are still hungry after all that) look at a picture of a quartered tomato being held by a turtle.

I don't like bashing tv, for christs sake, it's raising my kids for me. but sometimes you just have to say, what the hell does a sock puppet need a bathroom in his house for?

Humans minus brains top list of healthy living

1. breathe air. Surprisingly fish never took on this habit and now they are stuck in the water
2. Eat food. Most people do, others don’t the ones that do outlive the ones that don’t by 10 to 50 million years
3. Staples are not food. Most people who indulge themselves on staples usually have lower pains when they come out.
4. ping pong balls instead of eyeballs. You can use a magic marker to fill in details
5. don’t piss off people who are holding knives. When someone puts an unnecessary hole in you, bodily fluids that could be useful may spill out, shortening your life slightly.
6. take off clothes, not skin. Sometimes when people get undressed the don’t know when to stop. The loss of skin may prevent you from putting on sun tan lotion in some cases.

Guys are so complex. here is a translation guideline:

food translation - Sex
ear infection translation - Sex
news translation - Sex
Hey translation - Sex
we need to talk translation - we need to talk about Sex
are you hungry translation - Sex
can you give me a hand translation - oh yeah!
want to have sex? translation - No idea

I just found this out today, was in a bit of shock…

Quiet Riot is now 25 percent more quieter. Apparently Kevin Debrow (singer of Quiet Riot ) died back in 2007, of a drug overdose.

How? How can I make this funny? Well think about it. What if he fell down and hit his head?

The paper would read “Quiet Riot Singer bangs his head…then dies”

Donated blood today. The questions they ask are really crazy, they are all yes or no, but I just wrote over the top of it, “whatever your vampirc lords prefer me to say” on top of every answer, and I got in right away.

Rehash post from last year

The Answer:
I sprayed mace in his eyes because he made me feel uncomfortable.


The Question:
I told my coworker that I felt naked today because I forgot my blackberry at home. He told me that he feels naked when he isn’t wearing clothing. He laughed, then he screamed. The question is, why did he scream?

Why do people drive with there High beams while driving out in the county?

How else are people going to know you’re a jerk out in the dark in the middle of nowhere?

When i get writers block or can't be stupid for a couple of minutes, i like to hash up old stuff

2 year old post...


Do you think that the term ho down means the same as in Texas as it does in New York?

I’m thinking of selling real bears that have clever, non-loving slogans on them. I’m thinking of an anti-Valentine gifts.

“When your not around, your barley missed.”
“You bared your sole to me, and although I appreciate it, I’m calling the cops”
“I wish a bear would come and kill you”
“I’m Barely Tolerating you”

IF you ever listen to a glam rock song and think to yourself, is this song about a whore? The answer is always a yes.

I read an article about finding lost Amazon tribe was a hoax. At first I thought to myself, in your face people who want other people found. Both things put a smile on my face that somebody tricked a bunch of people and then later getting caught. Good for him for lying, good for the rest for figuring it out.

So the people weren’t lost, but if they were what is the REAL benefit to finding a lost tribe? I looked it up. What happens is that you find the lost tribe, put it in the unclaimed lost tribe box at your local supermarket. If nobody claims the tribe in 30 days, you can take them home with you, if they have not died of starvation from living in a box for 30 days.

My thoughts on George Carlin passing away: first thing that comes to mind: Funny, made you think sometimes, likes to make waves. Ornery, crabby, hated stupid people and he seen them everywhere. He kicked ass and made me think while I was growing up. Next to Vonnegut and Doug Adams passing on, I'm running out of childhood heroes. I know that he was old but he is gone and tom Arnold still lives? This is bullshit.

Here is a picture of me holding my zune right before i was hit by a helecoptor riding an airplane.


Memories

I have been drinking pepsi for the last 3 months or so trying to win a zune from pepsistuff.com. well, i won! and i also have diabeties, it may have been worth it. Hurray for me!

Last years post, still funny



I am a visual person. I need to see things or I may run into them.

Ask yourself this, what is your favorite root beer? I guessed A&W and even choose it in this blind taste test. After the review of the scores, I did choose A&W overall, even though it came in 3rd.

Let’s say you go on a date and French style kiss some girl. earlier that day she French styled kissed a different guy. Did you just kiss a dude?

1. Yes you did
2. No you didn't but you now want to
3. Yes, the girl you kissed use to be a dude

if you answered that question with anything besides what was displayed, you are incorrect.

Ok listen up everyone. on April 30th 2008 I am going to eat a lightning bolt. And if this date is the past, that means that I have already tried and failed it. And now I can only eat cream corn with a spoon. but I can eat all other food normally and can also eat cream corn with other utensils.

We did a taste test and i guess fanta and Faygo is up on top. go figure

For serious though.


If a Teen gets pregnant at the start of the school year, (12th grade, calm down hillbillies) and the kid is born grows up. He or she get to 11th grade and should say, yes I would like 1 diploma please. The school would go, no sorry you have to go through 12th grade before you get the diploma? He/she could say “yes, I had already. I would like my diploma.”

Or

The kid could go through the motions but out lash in class.

Teacher, “ok kids, please take out your text books and open it to page 34.”

Kid, “BEEN THERE DONE THAT”

My company called work in progress origami has folded. I was just crumpling up paper and selling them as origami rocks.


This was 3000 dollars.

I'm back, and now more normaller then ever. did you ever notice how great dreams are? i mean you fall asleep and bammo, you are in the middle of some great thing happening and you get to wake up and live in a craphole world. that is why i envy people in comas and always will.

It was my anniversary this weekend (Happy anniversary baby! Thanks for a great 6 years!) I told a buddy of mine and he said, “you know what they say, after 7 years your got nothing to worry about” I told him that people who think that are in for a rude awakening. There is always something to worry about.

By the lizzel of the mizzel

Today I got a stern looking at from an entire room when I announced, “I don’t like to generalize, but everyone I have ever seen or talked to are the dumbest people in the world.”

I saw a guy on a bike with a sweater in his mouth today. I couldn’t stop thinking; did someone bet this guy he couldn’t ride around town and eat a sweater at the same time? Most likely.

I was on vacation this week. I've done something i haven't done since i was 5. I went a week without bathing. It was very smelly in the end, literally. :P

chris christopherson and the band Chris Cross should of done an album together. Just because that chris christopherson’s name has both of their names in it. Plus think of the tounge twisting name on the album…

chris christopherson’s Chris Cross…ablum name: Chris Crossing chris christopherson's cross featureing chris cross.


say that 10 times in a row, if you have time.

I had the weirdest drive in today. First I was behind a car that was doing 5 miles an hour with the hazards on. Most people would have gone around him, but not me. Why? Because I keep thinking that the car is going to split in half and turn in both directions. It never does. Today was no exception. Then I was speeding. I don’t usually speed, or at least notice that I’m speeding, but I saw a cop doing radar. He just let me pass? Am I above the law? To test my theory I also went through 2 red lights. No tickets. If I have been given some power I am going to abuse it.

Sorry about the long break everyone. my uncle past away and i didn't feel like goofing off for a while. In short, he was a funny guy and I wish i knew him better.

While saying that i would like also say this. Pants piss me off. I don't feel like i need to go any further than that, cause you no what i mean. What's that? you don't? ok, then let me elaborate. Pants piss me off a lot.

Feels good to get that off my chest. pants on my chest? maybe that is what i'm doing wrong.

Till next time kids, keep you head on your neck and your feet on your ankles.

Friends are just enemies that don’t have the guts to kill you - Judy Tenuta

quote from emo philips website. he is so funny it sometimes scares me.

When Time Out approached me for an interview, we began coordinating the details, and it suddenly occurred to me that you can gauge a celebrity's status by how much control he and/or she exerts over an interview. A hot celebrity can choose the interviewer. A hotter one can demand to see the questions beforehand. A sizzling hot one can get complete editing approval over the finished pieces. So I thought, why leave anything to chance? Why not cut through the baloney, eliminate the middleman, and simply interview myself? It'll save everyone a lot of time and hassle, whilst just coincidentally enabling me to pocket the writer's fee.



I found Emo Philips in the bar area of London's Playhouse Theatre. For over an hour the lanky yankee had been onstage, dazzling the audience with breathtakingly original comedy, poetry and a riddle. Now, he was busy signing autographs and fielding requests for sex (my goodness, was there a Vogue models convention in town?). After taking the time to pen something hilarious, unique yet personal for every fan (or 'Emo-Philiac' as the master himself likes to call them), Emo glanced at the mirror and saw me. Thus reminded of our interview, he led me backstage to his dressing room, a beautiful, private retreat complete with a ceiling. After plopping down gracefully into a metal folding chair, Emo removed his Barry Manilow watch, placed it on the table next to him, and said firmly but gently, 'You've got just 22 hours. Begin.'

Emo: How old are you?
Emo: 34.

I could see right away his joust of wit would not be for the faint-hearted.

Emo: How tall are you?
Emo: Six feet two.
Emo: How much do you weigh?
Emo: 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

This last answer caught me totally off-guard. Laughter - a sweet, helpless laughter - welled up inside me, uncertain at first, and then increasing logarithmically, like the passion within the breasts of a tender young virgin chained to a post in the Coliseum as the baboon trainer approaches her with his lascivious charges.

So, Emo, is this to be that sort of interview? A silly, nonsensical, no-holds barred affair, comic take all? Oh you monster! You delightfully, naughty monster! Well then, so be it! Make me your little whipping boy, and toss caution to the breeze!

Emo: Emo, you are very talented.
Emo: Well, that's not for me to say.
Emo: Darn you, Emo, modesty will get you nowhere! You must learn to blow your own horn in this world! Very well, if you refuse to praise yourself, then I will. I'll shout it out from the highest mountaintop: Emo is talented! Emo is...
Emo: Please stop...you're embarrassing me!
Emo: But you just have to learn how good you are!
Emo: I beg you...change the subject.
Emo: You are so wonderful. Very well, I shall soldier on. Now Emo, you are getting to be quite the frequent visitor to our shores, old chap.
Emo: Oh, yes. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I was gone. Guffaws flew from my mouth like spasmodic mating honks from some giant prehistoric bird. I doubled up as if some prankster had detoured the Indy 500 into my duodenum. And Emo...Emo the cruel, Emo the barbarian...simply sat there and smiled at me, timing the laughter on the second-hand of his watch. The villain might just as well have used a calendar. And every time I felt that I might, in the far, far distant future, just possibly perhaps maybe come within sight of a point where I might, just perhaps, start to diminish my laughing, my torturer would attack me anew with a facial movement...raising an eyebrow three millionths of an inch for example...that would again plunge me reeling into an inescapable vortex of excruciatingly painful merriment. Finally I was saved by that most basic of needs...the need for oxygen. I had to begin breathing again, and this I finally did, for not even Emo's humour could override my involuntary instinct to survive. Or could it?

Emo: I read somewhere that you are quite the animal lover.
Emo: Oh, yes. I have a love for animals that is almost...illegal.

Partly to salvage at least a remnant of my sanity, partly as a supreme test of willpower, but mainly to get the interview on a serious track, I attempted to hold my laughter in by clamping my lips tightly together. Big mistake. The laughter, finding no natural egress through my oral cavity, deflected upward like a tidal wave striking a granite cliff and created several million pounds of pressure inside my nasal chambers. A nose vein burst, spraying blood like a demonic lawn sprinkler onto Emo, myself and everything else in the dressing room. Emo, his formerly innocent blue eyes now glazed with frenzy, tore off his shirt and began lapping up the blood like a delicate English schoolboy taking part in some bizarre jungle manhood ritual. He danced around the room, beat upon his chest like a gorilla, and let out a series of atavistic, cottage-cheese-curdling screams that I must confess terrified me to my very marrow. Finally, after what seemed like a minute and ten seconds, Emo sat back down exhausted, and began to weep.

Those fortunate few, if there be any others, who have seen Emo weep...a weeping, by the way, that is infinitely more masculine than the most 'macho' activity of any other man...will testify that it changes his appearance. No, don't panic ladies - he still retains every bit of his classical good looks. It's just that, softened by sobs, his handsomeness becomes...accessible. Tears of tenderness fall on the cheeks of the cold, marble Apollo, and bring it miraculously to life! This, then, is the real Emo, the living contradiction that lesser interviewers have been searching for for over a decade: the sad clown, the wistful waif, the post-apocalyptic Pierrot. But please! Think not for a moment that I am no longer in awe of the magnificent Monsieur Philips! I am and always will be. It's just that I now thankfully realise he is - dare I even whisper it? - mortal.