Small victories

Like when you are at a movie theater and they guy behind you keeps saying "I can't see! I can't see"
you give him a warning, he doesn't shut up. You give him another, he still continues.

So you turn around a beat the crap out of him.




Later you find out he is blind.

Do you think it is insulting if you refer to a short person as "down to earth?" I do, and its funny.

I wrote this and showed my boss. He cleaned it up for me.

I fancy myself as a cartoonist.

I made up a new word. Absosmoothly. It is like absolutely only cooler. Well screw you. I thought it was cool.

I would like to thank my sister for this one.

20 dollar limit secret Santa gift:

Go eat 20 dollars worth of food and give the recipient the crap that it would produce.

Thank you for your entry, you need serious help but it was still funny on many levels.

Took a bit of a break everyone. Good to be back. How’s the thanksgiving? Let me guess, seen some relatives and ate turkey? No, I’m not psychic. So I saw a television show the other day about the problems with the mice population, the solution that they didn’t even look at is: why don’t we eat them? They breed faster then a drunken Irish on st. Patrick’s day. There has got to be a way to cook them up and eat them. So go do that. Me personally, I am going to stick to regular food, you sick twisted weirdo. Eating mice? What is wrong with you?

My sister is looking for a job, I told her to do anything to get her foot in the door, and after a month, they’ll let the rest of you in.

Today I told a coworker that at McDonalds, the drive through is now open 24 hours, but only the drive through.
He asked me, “What is the point of opening only the drive through? how can they make food if the kitchen is closed?”
I told them they only sell drinks.

The state I live in is run by 80 year olds and rednecks. Any time this loser state gets a chance to poke peoples nose into peoples personal lives the jump in their Trucks, or Lincolns and drive on down to the vote booths.
Keeping all that in mind, here is my grievance: last night my state became another “close minded” state to outlaw same sex marriages. “Why should I care?” You may ask yourself?
You’d be right; it’s none of our business. To bad people have to suffer to become political fodder and avoid real issues, if there are any.
I don’t vote, never have. Left work early a couple of times to vote, but just went home and watched TV. Yesterday I went and voted, first time. Just checked the one box and went home.
So I would like to apologize for my backward ass sticking our nose in other people’s business dumb-ass state. I am truly sorry.
Gays can die for our country but not get married? They have the right to be miserable just like everyone else.

Firstly I would like to apologize to my 1 reader. If you are reading this, then it’s you, if you are not reading, hmm that is a stumper I guess. How the heck do you even know that I’m writing this? I got it! If you AREN’T reading this then F you!
Now that I have offended everyone besides you, away we go…
I haven’t been to the movies in ages. I wonder if the seats are still sticky. It’s hard to go to the movies when you have a baby. My best memories are going to the movies with my dad. Seemed like a good idea at first, free movie, the guy likes popcorn. Good deal? No. Not at all. He slept, and when he sleeps he snores. It sounds like when the 3 stooges snored, only for real, and 10 times louder. Everyone around us moved or complained or whatever. He wasn’t getting up that is for sure, I nudged that guy like 10 times. One time the actors in the movie stopped and just looked at me. Did wonders for my self esteem at 14. Now that I’m older, if anyone makes any kind of noise when a movie is going on, I just start crying. Yep, nothing but good memories.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, that is why most people are surrounded by jerks.

At my job, which I love! Do I? not really. Anyway. This post is about priorities. My last boss was a paramedic on his spare time, and he never was able to put things into prospective. He would have people dieing in his arms one night and the next day totally freak out over a non standard mouse. I think it was because he was so separated from one job, that he had to be extra passionate with his other job.
He was a hoot, he would call me and tell me that someone was not working but that it was the users own fault. He would always be in a big tizzy. “let them sit for the day, then call them” is what he would tell me. I would say “nah, lets get them working” He would say “your right.” And then leave me alone.

Before I was the early person, the guy before me purposely made him mad so he would exploded on everyone as they walked into the door. Hey! What is going on with that printer? What is the deal with that computer that has been sitting at your desk for a month?
The printer is in the garbage, the computer is what I have been using to do my work.
Oh. Roar!.
Later I would find out that a drunk driver died in some accident the night before.
Gosh I miss that boss.. He is more then likely yelling at people in heaven right now, which is funny because as far as I know he is still alive somewhere.

I remember when I was in a band we were moving some equipment after a show. The drummer dropped his whole kit down a flight of stairs. This was possibly the best drum solo that he ever did. It reminds me of something I once read “Most people are like slinkys. They don’t do much of anything but are humorous if pushed down the stairs.”

Wow it is tuff to come up with material. Now I know how a construction worker feels. But maybe I don’t. I found this picture that inspires me when I’m down.



Words of wisdom. Notice Alone and Tears are bigger then the rest. I guess because nobody wants to see you cry. Tears a so salty sometimes, like potato chips, but not as messy.

I have a myspace account. Don’t get excited. It’s not that big of a deal. On my home page, the one I see, not the one you see. It has an advertisement that says “out fart the gorilla and win a free ring tone” now try to stay clear of humor like this because I want to be known for being smart and witty and hopefully annoying, but a free ring tone is a free ring tone. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it. I don’t even think I have a cell phone and if I did I don’t think I would want the grand prize from that website as a ring tone.

Vampires, the monsters with a billion rules

Man did they get the shaft.

I’ll admit that they do get some benefits like living forever and um, I guess that is it. But they have more rules then a sick kid with an overprotected hypochondriac mom. No sunlight, can’t eat food, no cross, no garlic, no holy water, can’t enter houses unless asked, can only eat blood, can turn into a bat (why?) no silver, no stake through the heart (this one goes for me too), no reflections, can’t cross a line of salt, can’t cross a line of roses, can’t cross running water. What the hell. Why would you be afraid of these guys?

When people take monsters like say the cookie monster is left to roam the earth. Since he is not bound by any rules, he can just come up to you and start stabbing you. What would it take to kill him? I guess you could just remove him from his host hand (he is a hand puppet) and that would do it. Well that isn’t scary either.


My wife must have been tired last night; she stayed up all night and told me that she was the opposite of a reverse vampire. What?

Sorry, about the late post. I was on the phone.

Here is my observation today

The voice from robin on the justice league cartoon back in the 70’s has the same voice as shaggy, and they both have the same voice as all the bad guys that were up against the justice league. That must have caused some confusion when trying to phone in threats.

Bad guy on phone: If you don’t give me 10 dollars* I’m gonna destroy a Eiffel tower.
Wonder woman: hang on one sec. Batman, phone.
Batman: who is it?
WW: its robin calling in again.
Batman: Huh? If he is calling in, who is getting the batmoble detailed?
WW: (back on the phone) can you pick up some dingdongs on your way in? (click)
Bad guy on phone: Hello? Hello?



*I would assume that 10 dollars is a lot back in the 70’s. it was to me but I was just a kid.

I love word origins. The root of the term "mad hatter" is drawn from a time when mercury was used in the process of curing felt used in some hats. Over time the residual mercury would cause neurological damage (not the only damage caused by mercury toxicity of course). Given that anyone exhibiting an altered mental state was dubbed mad at the time, the cause of such malady, and subsequent death of such people doubtless went unexplained for a long time. Nice hat jerk bag!

Getting screwed. It sounds fun doesn’t it? Not if you’re a piece of wood. This isn’t what I’m talking about today. I remember back when I had to go to the hospital. Hurt my hand. I went to the emergency room. With no insurance, it cost 400 bucks for some gauze. This is why the gowns they give you at the hospital are opened in the back. I’m surprised they don’t ram the bill up there. What the hell.

So I heard once that the relatives of Hitler changed there name and don’t want any association with the name. that is pretty normal for kids to be ashamed of their parents, right? Can you imagine that Hitler picking up his kids early from some party?
“Dad! What are you doing here?”
“Was die Hölle Sie ist, der auf einem Fest Sie basterd macht” he would scream, from his hitlermobile.