I made up a new word. Absosmoothly. It is like absolutely only cooler. Well screw you. I thought it was cool.

I would like to thank my sister for this one.

20 dollar limit secret Santa gift:

Go eat 20 dollars worth of food and give the recipient the crap that it would produce.

Thank you for your entry, you need serious help but it was still funny on many levels.

Took a bit of a break everyone. Good to be back. How’s the thanksgiving? Let me guess, seen some relatives and ate turkey? No, I’m not psychic. So I saw a television show the other day about the problems with the mice population, the solution that they didn’t even look at is: why don’t we eat them? They breed faster then a drunken Irish on st. Patrick’s day. There has got to be a way to cook them up and eat them. So go do that. Me personally, I am going to stick to regular food, you sick twisted weirdo. Eating mice? What is wrong with you?

My sister is looking for a job, I told her to do anything to get her foot in the door, and after a month, they’ll let the rest of you in.

Today I told a coworker that at McDonalds, the drive through is now open 24 hours, but only the drive through.
He asked me, “What is the point of opening only the drive through? how can they make food if the kitchen is closed?”
I told them they only sell drinks.

The state I live in is run by 80 year olds and rednecks. Any time this loser state gets a chance to poke peoples nose into peoples personal lives the jump in their Trucks, or Lincolns and drive on down to the vote booths.
Keeping all that in mind, here is my grievance: last night my state became another “close minded” state to outlaw same sex marriages. “Why should I care?” You may ask yourself?
You’d be right; it’s none of our business. To bad people have to suffer to become political fodder and avoid real issues, if there are any.
I don’t vote, never have. Left work early a couple of times to vote, but just went home and watched TV. Yesterday I went and voted, first time. Just checked the one box and went home.
So I would like to apologize for my backward ass sticking our nose in other people’s business dumb-ass state. I am truly sorry.
Gays can die for our country but not get married? They have the right to be miserable just like everyone else.

Firstly I would like to apologize to my 1 reader. If you are reading this, then it’s you, if you are not reading, hmm that is a stumper I guess. How the heck do you even know that I’m writing this? I got it! If you AREN’T reading this then F you!
Now that I have offended everyone besides you, away we go…
I haven’t been to the movies in ages. I wonder if the seats are still sticky. It’s hard to go to the movies when you have a baby. My best memories are going to the movies with my dad. Seemed like a good idea at first, free movie, the guy likes popcorn. Good deal? No. Not at all. He slept, and when he sleeps he snores. It sounds like when the 3 stooges snored, only for real, and 10 times louder. Everyone around us moved or complained or whatever. He wasn’t getting up that is for sure, I nudged that guy like 10 times. One time the actors in the movie stopped and just looked at me. Did wonders for my self esteem at 14. Now that I’m older, if anyone makes any kind of noise when a movie is going on, I just start crying. Yep, nothing but good memories.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, that is why most people are surrounded by jerks.

At my job, which I love! Do I? not really. Anyway. This post is about priorities. My last boss was a paramedic on his spare time, and he never was able to put things into prospective. He would have people dieing in his arms one night and the next day totally freak out over a non standard mouse. I think it was because he was so separated from one job, that he had to be extra passionate with his other job.
He was a hoot, he would call me and tell me that someone was not working but that it was the users own fault. He would always be in a big tizzy. “let them sit for the day, then call them” is what he would tell me. I would say “nah, lets get them working” He would say “your right.” And then leave me alone.

Before I was the early person, the guy before me purposely made him mad so he would exploded on everyone as they walked into the door. Hey! What is going on with that printer? What is the deal with that computer that has been sitting at your desk for a month?
The printer is in the garbage, the computer is what I have been using to do my work.
Oh. Roar!.
Later I would find out that a drunk driver died in some accident the night before.
Gosh I miss that boss.. He is more then likely yelling at people in heaven right now, which is funny because as far as I know he is still alive somewhere.

I remember when I was in a band we were moving some equipment after a show. The drummer dropped his whole kit down a flight of stairs. This was possibly the best drum solo that he ever did. It reminds me of something I once read “Most people are like slinkys. They don’t do much of anything but are humorous if pushed down the stairs.”

Wow it is tuff to come up with material. Now I know how a construction worker feels. But maybe I don’t. I found this picture that inspires me when I’m down.



Words of wisdom. Notice Alone and Tears are bigger then the rest. I guess because nobody wants to see you cry. Tears a so salty sometimes, like potato chips, but not as messy.

I have a myspace account. Don’t get excited. It’s not that big of a deal. On my home page, the one I see, not the one you see. It has an advertisement that says “out fart the gorilla and win a free ring tone” now try to stay clear of humor like this because I want to be known for being smart and witty and hopefully annoying, but a free ring tone is a free ring tone. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it. I don’t even think I have a cell phone and if I did I don’t think I would want the grand prize from that website as a ring tone.

Vampires, the monsters with a billion rules

Man did they get the shaft.

I’ll admit that they do get some benefits like living forever and um, I guess that is it. But they have more rules then a sick kid with an overprotected hypochondriac mom. No sunlight, can’t eat food, no cross, no garlic, no holy water, can’t enter houses unless asked, can only eat blood, can turn into a bat (why?) no silver, no stake through the heart (this one goes for me too), no reflections, can’t cross a line of salt, can’t cross a line of roses, can’t cross running water. What the hell. Why would you be afraid of these guys?

When people take monsters like say the cookie monster is left to roam the earth. Since he is not bound by any rules, he can just come up to you and start stabbing you. What would it take to kill him? I guess you could just remove him from his host hand (he is a hand puppet) and that would do it. Well that isn’t scary either.


My wife must have been tired last night; she stayed up all night and told me that she was the opposite of a reverse vampire. What?

Sorry, about the late post. I was on the phone.

Here is my observation today

The voice from robin on the justice league cartoon back in the 70’s has the same voice as shaggy, and they both have the same voice as all the bad guys that were up against the justice league. That must have caused some confusion when trying to phone in threats.

Bad guy on phone: If you don’t give me 10 dollars* I’m gonna destroy a Eiffel tower.
Wonder woman: hang on one sec. Batman, phone.
Batman: who is it?
WW: its robin calling in again.
Batman: Huh? If he is calling in, who is getting the batmoble detailed?
WW: (back on the phone) can you pick up some dingdongs on your way in? (click)
Bad guy on phone: Hello? Hello?



*I would assume that 10 dollars is a lot back in the 70’s. it was to me but I was just a kid.

I love word origins. The root of the term "mad hatter" is drawn from a time when mercury was used in the process of curing felt used in some hats. Over time the residual mercury would cause neurological damage (not the only damage caused by mercury toxicity of course). Given that anyone exhibiting an altered mental state was dubbed mad at the time, the cause of such malady, and subsequent death of such people doubtless went unexplained for a long time. Nice hat jerk bag!

Getting screwed. It sounds fun doesn’t it? Not if you’re a piece of wood. This isn’t what I’m talking about today. I remember back when I had to go to the hospital. Hurt my hand. I went to the emergency room. With no insurance, it cost 400 bucks for some gauze. This is why the gowns they give you at the hospital are opened in the back. I’m surprised they don’t ram the bill up there. What the hell.

So I heard once that the relatives of Hitler changed there name and don’t want any association with the name. that is pretty normal for kids to be ashamed of their parents, right? Can you imagine that Hitler picking up his kids early from some party?
“Dad! What are you doing here?”
“Was die Hölle Sie ist, der auf einem Fest Sie basterd macht” he would scream, from his hitlermobile.

I go on smoke breaks. Not a lot just every now and then to talk to some of my friends that have moved out of my area. The way its set up at my work is they have a little shanty that people smoke in. it can get pretty smokey at times. I don’t smoke. It’s strange that I am I go out for those breaks and stand in a smokey shanty. But why should smokers get fresh air and not me. Anyway, I’m in the shanty struggling to breathe. Someone said something about a nicotine fit and having problems getting out to the shanty, so I said, “why don’t you blow smoke into a plastic bag, when you get a craving, just breath into the bag.” I kind of laughed; everyone else stopped smoking and actually thought about it. Wow, this is how bad ideas start!

I love joking around and when I'm not doing that, I'm stealing jokes. Here are some misquotes from Dilbert newsletter.
"That's water over the bridge."
"You're dead meat in the water."
"That stands out like a diamond in a goat's butt!"
"You shouldn't violate the law because that's illegal."
"They have us by the balls of our feet."
"Never pet a burning dog."
"It's hotter than a French hen."
"They should lock him up and throw away the book."
"They cooked themselves. Now they have to lay in it."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Don't look a blind horse in the eye."
"I put my wrong foot in the wrong mouth at the wrong time!"
"Cows died to give us that cheese."
"Don't slap the hand that milks you."
"Call me back at your least convenience."
"It's six of one and one of the other."
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
"That's going to change the whole ball of works."
"They're not the brightest box of cookies."
"The pro's for are more than the pro's against"
"I wouldn't touch him as far as I could throw him."

Tae kwon do schools

I was hesitant to cover this topic. I certainly don’t want to feel someone’s fist of fury, but this is funny so I must tell. If this is my last post, then avenge me or even better, rent the first matrix. Man that is a good film.

Sorry, got a bit off base for a second. A couple of years back I decided to get back into martial arts and started checking out schools. If you don’t do TKD, there isn’t anything out there. No karate no kung fu. Just TKD, at least in this town. Here is what I found about SOME not all but some of the Tae Kwon Do schools.
It’s a pyramid scam. There are a few Black belts on the top and they make money from the many many white belts.

Guess the only way into the black belt club?

Hard work? Nope
Determination? Yes, but not the way your thinking
Shovel cash at the teacher? Yes.

Black belts are expensive. But I didn’t meet one black belt that I couldn’t go toe to toe with.

Here is my last teacher. He once told me the path to enlightenment was through meditation.



He also told me that he likes the teletubbies and me his parents made tons of money.

Ok, Stereotypes. I’m not talking about Sony or Magnavox. Those are Stereo Types.
Not like this:




I’m talking about 2 freaking guys. I hate them. Look at them, all mustachey. Hate. No, let me start over.

OK. Sorry about that. Here is today’s Gripe…If you’re an Italian or Italian American, or like me half Italian, you will be able to relate. There were 2 guys who really set us back. They brought awareness to why Italians like mushrooms, but for some reason they were afraid of turtles? Come on, Turtles? Something must be wrong here. They are so slow if one was chasing you, it would take months to catch you. And if they did what would happen? Nothing!
Well these guys would die if a turtle touched them. Unless they jumped on top of them? What? They must of have had a allergic reaction to stupidity.






Stop dancing you idiots! I hate you!