Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Or

"Eating Corn on the cob with no teeth is funny to watch."

Or

"Criminals who steal toys really take the fun out of a childs life."

Or

"Jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know is like eating a box of nails. Even if you do it, it is going to hurt like hell in the end."

Can't think of anymore...

blast from my HMB past...From oct 31 2007

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Medical questions.


My doctor asked me the strangest question the other day.
How is my BM?
Well I told him it was brown. Great actually.
What do you mean Great?
You know, when it’s warm it tastes really good?
What?
Not just me ya know, the kids have some. Actually the kids eat more then I do
What? Why?
Cause its delicious. Just good eating.

He left. Never came back. My follow up question is, why would he even care that I have a bread maker? I lied to him. I don’t have a bread maker, I was just kind of put on a the spot.

to me a royal rumble is when the queen of england puts a beat down on her kids, anything else is total crap.

Show beginnings:
I am working on some ideas for a TV show

Could start with a dream sequence

Start with a scene in the kitchen both eating cereal.
ME: did you see that television program on the television last night?
My Wife: sure did!
ME: that talk show host sure did host the show, while talking.
My Wife: boy it sure would be sweet to be a talk show host
ME: I wonder what that would be like.

They both look up in the air and fall instantly asleep. Both faces in the cereal bowls.
Then a small caption in a newspaper saying 2 drown while daydreaming

Them picking out a talk show host from a slide presentation:

ME: Ok, here are our final choices. First there is Whorey poowitch (pic of Maury)
My Wife: nah
ME: ok, how about poory poowhich (same pic of Maury
My Wife: getting better but still no
ME: hmm, how about scorey poosandmich (again same pic)
My Wife: that is worse then the first one
ME: Gay Grandma? (picture of j edgar hoover)
My Wife: I like this choice in many ways but overall I hate it.
ME: ok, how about her? (pic of My Wife doing something silly)
My Wife: yes


Pitching a show idea

ME: Ok you know how most shows have a beginning, middle and end?
My Wife: yeah?
ME: well some are so bad, that people just want to skip to the end, so my idea is to have a show that is just an end (cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching) but the twist is...
My Wife: (interrupting) A Carrie ending? (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching” but getting blood dumped on her)
ME: what? No. I was going to say you just show that part twice. (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching", then looks up "no blood then?")
My Wife: umm

rehashed post from a year and a half ago

IF you ever listen to a glam rock song and think to yourself, is this song about a whore? The answer is always a yes

Merry Christmas. There I said it.
Vampire Hygiene. Notice that there hair is always looking nice? How? They can't see themselves in mirrors? Sometimes you would think that the hair would look all crazy. Not the guys, they always get that Greaseball slick back look (not banging it, it looks good on you) but the chicks hair is always flowing and billowy. And what is up with that? They can't see themselves, and often in movies they can't see the clothes either? Did they bite there clothes before they put them on? Vampire clothes? Also they never take their clothes off, not that I would want to see them naked (who would want to see someone over 80 with no clothes? Wow that a vision that now won't go away) but when they drink blood it’s usually makes a really big mess, then the next time you see them they are clean, indcluding the clothes! you ever get blood on something? it doesn't come off. GRAAAA, forget it.
In conclusion, merry Christmas from the staff at humans minus brains

When will we evolve enough as human beings to where we only have to sneeze once. Why all the double sneezing, huh Darwin?

a beach house doesn't have to be on the beach, but all the good ones are. get a beach house

Zoolander 2? why? what could it be about?

here are my ideas...

zoolander wins a free trip to new mexico, pees on the alamo
zoolander and his buddy (the guy with the wierd nose) get married
Mustafoo comes back and they both enter a pie eating contest (porno version)
zoolander gets on a bus that can't go under 55 else it will explode
zoolander spends an hour and a half trying to find waldo in a picaso painting
zoolander returns home and gets a job in a coal mine (the only funny part of the movie)

So in a meeting today, our boss was talking about a hr meeting that she went to. In the meeting, they mentioned that only 10 percent of the people who were covered in our insurance had a full yearly examination. One guy in our meeting raised his hand to acknollege that he had one.
she said, "Do you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah, some time this year that guy had a someone's finger up his ass."

Time is an abstract concept







except for my birthday

i think if 2 people tried to talk like yoda for a whole conversation, it would only be a matter of time before they kill each other

Fan mail

I get billions of emails, snail mails, passenger pigeons and even some smoke signals asking me zillions of questions. I can’t get to them all. So what I did was throw most of them away. My garbage is full of smoke and pigeons, and it is getting tuff to explain to the pretentious garbage guys on why my pigeons are so Smokey. So I pulled out 1 smoke signal, and with my lucky charms decoder ring, this is the question I have deciphered.

Hi! My name is hank and I am homeless. I live in your garbage can and was wondering if you can throw away something besides smoke and pigeons? Thanks your creepy neighbor, hank.
My answer?


Sure no problem!

Are you cool? No, of course not.

There are many definitions of cool. This thing seems to elude most, mainly because they don’t know what it looks like, even when it is dancing naked in front of them (which isn’t remotely cool).

Some people think that being popular or being nice are paths to cool, nope. Those are just paths to being chummped.

Here is the real test to on whether or not you are cool. If someone is in a room with a bunch of people he doesn’t know (hospital funeral, wherever) and announces loudly, “Man. I just want to apologize to everyone for being so damn handsome.” Most people will just stare or mutter something to their friends on how weird that guy is. Those guys are chumps in their own rights.
The cool person will just shout back “Damn Right!”

That is cool. That is what cool is, any questions?

Excerpt from my new book: Cooking for anorexics


Grapes are good, really really good. But the problem is most grocers don’t carry half stock grapes. Well I found an interesting place that will sell a half grape but the cost is astronomical prices. But if you want a fresh halved grape, this is they way to go. So here is what you need

Ingredients:

1 half grape, fresh or frozen
1 misting bottle filled with 3 eye drops of ice cold water

To prepare take the grape and cut it into 16 different parts. Place them on a tray, and stand 3 rooms away with the misting bottle. With a half a squeeze release the water and after about 2 hours the mist should gentle rest on the grapes. Then the grapes are ready to be looked at. Once done looking at them discard. (if you are still hungry after all that) look at a picture of a quartered tomato being held by a turtle.

I don't like bashing tv, for christs sake, it's raising my kids for me. but sometimes you just have to say, what the hell does a sock puppet need a bathroom in his house for?

Humans minus brains top list of healthy living

1. breathe air. Surprisingly fish never took on this habit and now they are stuck in the water
2. Eat food. Most people do, others don’t the ones that do outlive the ones that don’t by 10 to 50 million years
3. Staples are not food. Most people who indulge themselves on staples usually have lower pains when they come out.
4. ping pong balls instead of eyeballs. You can use a magic marker to fill in details
5. don’t piss off people who are holding knives. When someone puts an unnecessary hole in you, bodily fluids that could be useful may spill out, shortening your life slightly.
6. take off clothes, not skin. Sometimes when people get undressed the don’t know when to stop. The loss of skin may prevent you from putting on sun tan lotion in some cases.

Guys are so complex. here is a translation guideline:

food translation - Sex
ear infection translation - Sex
news translation - Sex
Hey translation - Sex
we need to talk translation - we need to talk about Sex
are you hungry translation - Sex
can you give me a hand translation - oh yeah!
want to have sex? translation - No idea