Well it turned out that my writers block was just laziness. so lets post some internet fodder!

I was feeling nostolgic for my childhood the other day so:

I ate 2 deserts but only after eating food i hate

went to bed at 9

wet my bed

I played vidoe games but had to stop after an hour

someone siad, "cause i said so" and I took their word as gospil. Instead of imedeately doing a mental fact check.

Took a bath instead of a shower, played with toys and didn't use soap

why the hell would i miss being a child?

I found out the hard way today that a bunch or road flares, some grey clay and duck tape is neither pratical nor a joke.

I went to sign up for something and they made me give them my name. After I did they asked me “That name sounds made up.”

“It was, by my parents.”

I took a break because I couldn’t think of anything that was both stupid and funny. I think I was trying way too hard. When you think less, you talk more bad dumber. Everyone should think less, do less and eat more. Since I was away for a while, I leave you 2 jokes.

It is no secret that I don’t like poetry. If you know someone who doesn’t know that about me, don’t tell them. Anyway, I think that poetry is for people who can’t be direct enough to tell people how they feel. Saying “my heart is wind on my face and sunshine on my mind”, is a way less direct way of saying, “will you go to bed with me”

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question never heard the song what is a juggalo.

my niece said something pretty funny today. My dad was telling me that my sister was writing an essay for school. i asked what was the essay going to be on. she said, "paper, essays are done on paper."

I hit a new low yesterday.

Well, let me refresh that. I went to the new Lowes yesterday. Wonderful store full of lots of things. The people who worked there were so full of life that I have dubbed them Lowe lives.

Remember Rockwell? The guy who sung Somebody's Watching Me? Since his 1 hit in 1984, and people not watching him, do you think he still thinks that?

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Or

"Eating Corn on the cob with no teeth is funny to watch."

Or

"Criminals who steal toys really take the fun out of a childs life."

Or

"Jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know is like eating a box of nails. Even if you do it, it is going to hurt like hell in the end."

Can't think of anymore...

blast from my HMB past...From oct 31 2007

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Medical questions.


My doctor asked me the strangest question the other day.
How is my BM?
Well I told him it was brown. Great actually.
What do you mean Great?
You know, when it’s warm it tastes really good?
What?
Not just me ya know, the kids have some. Actually the kids eat more then I do
What? Why?
Cause its delicious. Just good eating.

He left. Never came back. My follow up question is, why would he even care that I have a bread maker? I lied to him. I don’t have a bread maker, I was just kind of put on a the spot.

to me a royal rumble is when the queen of england puts a beat down on her kids, anything else is total crap.

Show beginnings:
I am working on some ideas for a TV show

Could start with a dream sequence

Start with a scene in the kitchen both eating cereal.
ME: did you see that television program on the television last night?
My Wife: sure did!
ME: that talk show host sure did host the show, while talking.
My Wife: boy it sure would be sweet to be a talk show host
ME: I wonder what that would be like.

They both look up in the air and fall instantly asleep. Both faces in the cereal bowls.
Then a small caption in a newspaper saying 2 drown while daydreaming

Them picking out a talk show host from a slide presentation:

ME: Ok, here are our final choices. First there is Whorey poowitch (pic of Maury)
My Wife: nah
ME: ok, how about poory poowhich (same pic of Maury
My Wife: getting better but still no
ME: hmm, how about scorey poosandmich (again same pic)
My Wife: that is worse then the first one
ME: Gay Grandma? (picture of j edgar hoover)
My Wife: I like this choice in many ways but overall I hate it.
ME: ok, how about her? (pic of My Wife doing something silly)
My Wife: yes


Pitching a show idea

ME: Ok you know how most shows have a beginning, middle and end?
My Wife: yeah?
ME: well some are so bad, that people just want to skip to the end, so my idea is to have a show that is just an end (cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching) but the twist is...
My Wife: (interrupting) A Carrie ending? (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching” but getting blood dumped on her)
ME: what? No. I was going to say you just show that part twice. (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching", then looks up "no blood then?")
My Wife: umm

rehashed post from a year and a half ago

IF you ever listen to a glam rock song and think to yourself, is this song about a whore? The answer is always a yes

Merry Christmas. There I said it.
Vampire Hygiene. Notice that there hair is always looking nice? How? They can't see themselves in mirrors? Sometimes you would think that the hair would look all crazy. Not the guys, they always get that Greaseball slick back look (not banging it, it looks good on you) but the chicks hair is always flowing and billowy. And what is up with that? They can't see themselves, and often in movies they can't see the clothes either? Did they bite there clothes before they put them on? Vampire clothes? Also they never take their clothes off, not that I would want to see them naked (who would want to see someone over 80 with no clothes? Wow that a vision that now won't go away) but when they drink blood it’s usually makes a really big mess, then the next time you see them they are clean, indcluding the clothes! you ever get blood on something? it doesn't come off. GRAAAA, forget it.
In conclusion, merry Christmas from the staff at humans minus brains

When will we evolve enough as human beings to where we only have to sneeze once. Why all the double sneezing, huh Darwin?

a beach house doesn't have to be on the beach, but all the good ones are. get a beach house

Zoolander 2? why? what could it be about?

here are my ideas...

zoolander wins a free trip to new mexico, pees on the alamo
zoolander and his buddy (the guy with the wierd nose) get married
Mustafoo comes back and they both enter a pie eating contest (porno version)
zoolander gets on a bus that can't go under 55 else it will explode
zoolander spends an hour and a half trying to find waldo in a picaso painting
zoolander returns home and gets a job in a coal mine (the only funny part of the movie)

So in a meeting today, our boss was talking about a hr meeting that she went to. In the meeting, they mentioned that only 10 percent of the people who were covered in our insurance had a full yearly examination. One guy in our meeting raised his hand to acknollege that he had one.
she said, "Do you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah, some time this year that guy had a someone's finger up his ass."

Time is an abstract concept







except for my birthday