Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Or

"Eating Corn on the cob with no teeth is funny to watch."

Or

"Criminals who steal toys really take the fun out of a childs life."

Or

"Jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know is like eating a box of nails. Even if you do it, it is going to hurt like hell in the end."

Can't think of anymore...

blast from my HMB past...From oct 31 2007

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Medical questions.


My doctor asked me the strangest question the other day.
How is my BM?
Well I told him it was brown. Great actually.
What do you mean Great?
You know, when it’s warm it tastes really good?
What?
Not just me ya know, the kids have some. Actually the kids eat more then I do
What? Why?
Cause its delicious. Just good eating.

He left. Never came back. My follow up question is, why would he even care that I have a bread maker? I lied to him. I don’t have a bread maker, I was just kind of put on a the spot.

to me a royal rumble is when the queen of england puts a beat down on her kids, anything else is total crap.

Show beginnings:
I am working on some ideas for a TV show

Could start with a dream sequence

Start with a scene in the kitchen both eating cereal.
ME: did you see that television program on the television last night?
My Wife: sure did!
ME: that talk show host sure did host the show, while talking.
My Wife: boy it sure would be sweet to be a talk show host
ME: I wonder what that would be like.

They both look up in the air and fall instantly asleep. Both faces in the cereal bowls.
Then a small caption in a newspaper saying 2 drown while daydreaming

Them picking out a talk show host from a slide presentation:

ME: Ok, here are our final choices. First there is Whorey poowitch (pic of Maury)
My Wife: nah
ME: ok, how about poory poowhich (same pic of Maury
My Wife: getting better but still no
ME: hmm, how about scorey poosandmich (again same pic)
My Wife: that is worse then the first one
ME: Gay Grandma? (picture of j edgar hoover)
My Wife: I like this choice in many ways but overall I hate it.
ME: ok, how about her? (pic of My Wife doing something silly)
My Wife: yes


Pitching a show idea

ME: Ok you know how most shows have a beginning, middle and end?
My Wife: yeah?
ME: well some are so bad, that people just want to skip to the end, so my idea is to have a show that is just an end (cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching) but the twist is...
My Wife: (interrupting) A Carrie ending? (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching” but getting blood dumped on her)
ME: what? No. I was going to say you just show that part twice. (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching", then looks up "no blood then?")
My Wife: umm