The more I know, the more I don't want to know...TMI

Although I've never seen the show, i always liked the show JAG! I just thought it was about a guy who parked in handicap parking spots and spit on old people.
According to the imdb, the the plot is "The cases of Harmon Rabb, former Navy fighter pilot, and his fellow JAG lawyers"

I'm thinking a spin off called JAG Babies. think of the possibilities.

How horrifying would it be to sleep with a clown? ask the members of the band Kiss's wives. They would know for sure.

unknown author:
well my memory is not working so well lately so i figure i just say the truth so i don thave to remember shit

apparently i am a self made man, which is why i dress like crap.

we could take off every day for Alzheimer day
think about it

The government did an experiment (top secret mind you) asking would a perpetual motion machine and a motion sensor activated device together be funny? The answer: Your damn right it would.

The Charlie Story
Charlie is genius, right; he's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum, ha, imagine that! In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement; It was too hot in LA, and he melted like a pink bitch, Ha ha ha ha ha! Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slices. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet, ha ha! Destination Alaska! Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into to the shape of a hoover - "I wasn't thinking." Charlie wasn't fazed though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits "ha ha … oh." The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. "I appear to be on fire." The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. "After all I did for you … oooh." The green shape was frozen. After a quick drink Charlie stole Eric Phillips magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd killed 50 Inuits, no-one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, dildos, trumpets and spanners.

I wonder if anyone has ever killed a pacifist in self-defence?

If you haven't gotten to where you're going, your aren't there yet. George Carlin

What is popularity? Well, if you think it is where nobody knows you and you eat alone, then yes, I am very popular.

People say my eyes are my best feature. That is crazy! My eyes are just hooked up to the part of my brain that wants to know what is going on out there. The rest of me could care less. And they have this crazy color. The color hasn’t been invented for my eyes as of yet. Well blue, I guess they are bluish. I wish sometimes they were pointed the other way. So I can see what I’m thinking.

What if the earth was used as an ancient burial ground for dinosaurs by aliens?

word origin

Sometimes interesting words and phrases are right under our noses. After using it countless times on this site, a reader asked me where the term to coin a phrase came from?
The verb to coin originally meant to literally mint a coin. It dates to the 14th century, first appearing in Robert Brunne’s Langtoft’s Chronicle, written about 1330.

By the end of the 16th century, the verb to coin was being used to refer to the creation of a new word or phrase. From the anonymous The Arte of English Poesie (1589; generally attributed to George Puttenham, but authorship is uncertain.
Some believe that usage of to coin in this fashion is actually an error, believing instead that it should be to quoin, a printer’s term meaning to secure a block of type with a quoin, or metal wedge. So to quoin a phrase is to set it into type or make it permanent. But quoin is simply a spelling variant of coin that is primarily used in this specialized printing sense. The general sense meaning to create is invariably spelled coin.

The ironic use of the phrase to coin a phrase to excuse a clichè dates to at least 1940. From F.B. Young’s Mr. Lucton’s Freedom of that year:

It takes all sorts to make a world, to coin a phrase.

Tips on selling blood
Don’t make the same mistake I made and show up with a bag of blood from multiple donors. They will not give you any money. And you don’t get the bag back. So if you do use a bag you are prepared to loose forever. The police will get envolved as well.
If half of the people who worked at the blood bank’s name start with the word "Count", do not let them near you. They, however, will take that bag I mentioned earlier no questions asked.
Also I think it is a good idea not to get an atm card from a blood bank. They didn’t offer it, but if they did I would say no.

Lots of game shows out there, but they are stale and boring. how about combining a couple to make them more interesting:

combine who wants to marry a millionare with are you smater then a 5th grader:

WHO WANTS TO MARRY A 5th grader!

or

wheel of fortune with family fued

Family wheel of fueding fortunes!

or

Jeporady with a bank robbery

Ask questions and steel money from a bank!

or

the news with a porno

news people will watch!

My writers block continues though out this glorious year. Since i can't make things up anymore, here is a true fact about me:

I believe that the world is plotting against me. not in some big fashion like tyring to kill me or tyring to keep me from succeeding. i think there is a world organization that is trying to prevent me from eating bald eagles. weird what the mind allows you to think if you let it.

Well it turned out that my writers block was just laziness. so lets post some internet fodder!

I was feeling nostolgic for my childhood the other day so:

I ate 2 deserts but only after eating food i hate

went to bed at 9

wet my bed

I played vidoe games but had to stop after an hour

someone siad, "cause i said so" and I took their word as gospil. Instead of imedeately doing a mental fact check.

Took a bath instead of a shower, played with toys and didn't use soap

why the hell would i miss being a child?

I found out the hard way today that a bunch or road flares, some grey clay and duck tape is neither pratical nor a joke.

I went to sign up for something and they made me give them my name. After I did they asked me “That name sounds made up.”

“It was, by my parents.”

I took a break because I couldn’t think of anything that was both stupid and funny. I think I was trying way too hard. When you think less, you talk more bad dumber. Everyone should think less, do less and eat more. Since I was away for a while, I leave you 2 jokes.

It is no secret that I don’t like poetry. If you know someone who doesn’t know that about me, don’t tell them. Anyway, I think that poetry is for people who can’t be direct enough to tell people how they feel. Saying “my heart is wind on my face and sunshine on my mind”, is a way less direct way of saying, “will you go to bed with me”

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question never heard the song what is a juggalo.

my niece said something pretty funny today. My dad was telling me that my sister was writing an essay for school. i asked what was the essay going to be on. she said, "paper, essays are done on paper."

I hit a new low yesterday.

Well, let me refresh that. I went to the new Lowes yesterday. Wonderful store full of lots of things. The people who worked there were so full of life that I have dubbed them Lowe lives.

Remember Rockwell? The guy who sung Somebody's Watching Me? Since his 1 hit in 1984, and people not watching him, do you think he still thinks that?

Conspiracy

Reading this may put your life in danger.

Everyone who has voted for George Washington in the first election is dead. Makes you think.

I doubt Dr. Phil ever said this, but it sounds like something he might say:
"Leaving a relationship is like burning down a barn. Get your stuff out before you do it, otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a time."

Or

"Eating Corn on the cob with no teeth is funny to watch."

Or

"Criminals who steal toys really take the fun out of a childs life."

Or

"Jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know is like eating a box of nails. Even if you do it, it is going to hurt like hell in the end."

Can't think of anymore...

blast from my HMB past...From oct 31 2007

Names that sound like Halloween porn’s

Intercourse with a vampire
Night of the living dead whores
Frankenstein vs. Dracula (in a hot dog eating contest)
The creature from the black lagoon gets herpies
Friday the 69th
Nightgown on elm street
Fright Night the John holmes story

Medical questions.


My doctor asked me the strangest question the other day.
How is my BM?
Well I told him it was brown. Great actually.
What do you mean Great?
You know, when it’s warm it tastes really good?
What?
Not just me ya know, the kids have some. Actually the kids eat more then I do
What? Why?
Cause its delicious. Just good eating.

He left. Never came back. My follow up question is, why would he even care that I have a bread maker? I lied to him. I don’t have a bread maker, I was just kind of put on a the spot.

to me a royal rumble is when the queen of england puts a beat down on her kids, anything else is total crap.

Show beginnings:
I am working on some ideas for a TV show

Could start with a dream sequence

Start with a scene in the kitchen both eating cereal.
ME: did you see that television program on the television last night?
My Wife: sure did!
ME: that talk show host sure did host the show, while talking.
My Wife: boy it sure would be sweet to be a talk show host
ME: I wonder what that would be like.

They both look up in the air and fall instantly asleep. Both faces in the cereal bowls.
Then a small caption in a newspaper saying 2 drown while daydreaming

Them picking out a talk show host from a slide presentation:

ME: Ok, here are our final choices. First there is Whorey poowitch (pic of Maury)
My Wife: nah
ME: ok, how about poory poowhich (same pic of Maury
My Wife: getting better but still no
ME: hmm, how about scorey poosandmich (again same pic)
My Wife: that is worse then the first one
ME: Gay Grandma? (picture of j edgar hoover)
My Wife: I like this choice in many ways but overall I hate it.
ME: ok, how about her? (pic of My Wife doing something silly)
My Wife: yes


Pitching a show idea

ME: Ok you know how most shows have a beginning, middle and end?
My Wife: yeah?
ME: well some are so bad, that people just want to skip to the end, so my idea is to have a show that is just an end (cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching) but the twist is...
My Wife: (interrupting) A Carrie ending? (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching” but getting blood dumped on her)
ME: what? No. I was going to say you just show that part twice. (Cut to My Wife on stage saying "goodnight everyone thank you for watching", then looks up "no blood then?")
My Wife: umm